13 year old daugher has "no friends."

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
13 year old daugher has "no friends."
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 5:15pm

My heart is breaking for my 13 year old daugher. She's very bright, independent and I think she's pretty outgoing. She's involved in drama and yearbook at school and she takes music lessons after school. All sounds good but she says no one likes her. She's being excluded by girls she used to be friends with, sits by herself at lunch and doesn't get invited to group activities. She stays home every afternoon by herself and usually reads or watches tv. Once a week or so she'll ride her bike to the library to check out some new books. I know she's kind of nerdy and she has her own style, and I'm proud of her for being her own person. She's not the girl who is into shopping, makeup, boys and clothes. She usually wears skinny jeans and t-shirts with sneakers and she likes to dye her hair.

I've tried getting her together with some girls on a one-on-one basis but it never seems to go anywhere. They get along outside of school, but in school it doesn't stick. Once the other girls are involved, she gets excluded again. She does have a couple of friends outside of her school, but it's not easy to get them together, as they live in another town, and only get to see each other once every couple of months or so because of conflicting schedules. I've talked to her school counselor and she says that DD seems happy at school. That she's always smiling and talking to other kids when she sees her in the halls, but at home she's upset because no one likes her. I'm not sure how to help her. Any advice?


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 9:03pm

It's very distressing isn't it when it's something you really can't do anything about to help your kid.

Avatar for purple31
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-1998
Thu, 11-18-2010 - 8:09am

I agree with "musiclover12".

I don't have anything to add at this point other than to let you know I did read what you wrote and can sympathize with you.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Thu, 11-18-2010 - 9:04am

Welcome to the board!

Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Thu, 11-18-2010 - 9:55am

I'd not bother with the school kids at the moment and focus on making quality friends outside school. You said she's into drama at school, have you looked into a youth theatre program? Youth theatres tend to embrace nerdy and different whole heartedly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 4:06pm

I think middle school/junior high is just a cesspool of nastiness, for both boys and girls. My daughter went through her "excluded year" in 7th grade, then it got better. My son, also 13 (actually, he sounds a lot like your daughter) hasn't had more than 2 friends at school all thru middle school. At least people will sit with him at lunch this year, which wasn't the case the first two years.

Having activities that interest her will definitely help. It will make her a more interesting person and eventually, the insecure herd followers will come to appreciate her nerdy style.

I will pass on some words of wisdom that my son's therapist gave us: It's very normal for kids to have a certain amount of angst at home at this age. They have to fake it so much at school that they just let it all out at home. Just reassure your daughter that she is not "defective" and that eventually, some of the smarter, nicer

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
Mon, 11-22-2010 - 11:21pm

I'm reluctcant to get her involved in too many activities after shcool. Between yearbook and music lessons (voice and bass guitar), that's three after school activites a week. I don't want to overschedule her (or me!). She'll definitely be in some plays toward the end of the school year, and there will be afterschool rehearsals then...

I know it will work out in the long run and getting through this now is probably a good character builder. But it's difficult to see her going through it. Thank you for all the responses and reassuring words.

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sat, 11-27-2010 - 12:20pm

My dd has only a few friends and does not do too much with them outside of school, she is 16 now.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 11-27-2010 - 9:45pm

You know, I think there's something to be said for

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2010
Wed, 12-15-2010 - 10:05am


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2009
Thu, 12-16-2010 - 7:53am

I think they stick together because its familiar most of the kids have been friends since elementary school. Anything out of their norm scares them because at this age they are trying to fit in while trying to find who they are. I find them as being insecure & sticking together because they're afraid of anything or anyone different. Sometimes I read dd's FB & all the so called popular group does is put up pictures & tell each other how awesome & pretty they are. They continually tell each other how much they love each other. IMO thats insecurity & being afraid of the changes in their lives. I don't think I would want my dd hanging w/those kids I would rather she be her own person.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com