My 13 y.o. DD has become almost impossible to live with.
Honestly, I think it's hormonal. I think every 13yr old girl is mostly impossible to live with, but they do grow out of it, if that's any consolation. I do think that taking away everything is very excessive punishment. What would you do if she really did something wrong? My STBX would do things like that to his DD--you have to go to your room and not watch TV or use the computer or phone, etc. I mean, what was she supposed to do? Sit there & stare at the walls? He would make the punishment so excessive that of course, he would end up not enforcing it.
I think it's more effective when they aren't being nice to have them remove themselves from the family for a while, or if she isn't being nice to you and then wants you to do something for her, not to do it. For ex, (and there was a similar posting on the Parents of Teens board) if she is being a witch, then expects you to drive her & her friends to the movies, then maybe you don't do that, explaining that she can't be unpleasant and then expect people to do nice things for her.
I also think that at this age, some kids look at any type of question, which parents would think is normal like you are giving them the Spanish inquisition.
It's the hormones! Plain and simple. So to some degree she really IS irritated with you and the family. However, she doesn't need to treat the whole family horribly.
My daughter is only 11 but I am getting some attitude here and there. However, I work with the teen girls group at church
DITTO all of this. Normal it may be, but that doesn't equate to acceptable! My son got a massive tongue lashing in front of others the other day for saying "whatever" to me in a snotty voice. I told him in no uncertain terms that he could be grumpy but he could not treat me with disrespect, and I made him re-do the conversation, minus the eye rolling and the unnecessary commentary (whatever).
My consequence when my kids get the bad attitude is to ignore them to an extent, including NOT driving them where they need to be if they are treating me poorly. I'm not big on taking away things simply because I find that kids are so adaptable. When I took away my son's computer games he just switched to TV (which is harder to take away without punishing the whole family), etc. So my MO is to take away ME, as in I don't need to cook for you, or drive you to your friend's house, or whatever he wants from me.
I agree that you need to take a stand and not let them walk all over you, otherwise it will go from bad to worse quickly.
"The main part of intellectual education is not the acquisition of facts but learning how to make facts live."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes