Ex doesn't support punishment

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-1999
Ex doesn't support punishment
9
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 11:00am

In a nutshell - My 13 year old son has been wanting a video game in the worst way.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 1:12pm
I was going to direct you also to the Blended families page, but I see you already posted this over there.

I am in a blended family situation, we see my DSS on school breaks and summer as we live out of state. And we have run into this, my DH gave my DSS a punishment last Thanksgiving for the way he very rudely treated DH's parents while they were also here for Thanksgiving last year. The punishment was simply to be more appreciative of the things you ahve, and every time his mom and stepdad did something for him at home, to make sure to thank them and tell them he appreciated it. Honestly, I do not believe you can or should expect the rules and punishments at your house to be enforced at the other parent's house unless it is something you two came up with as a punishment together. Would it be nice that the other parent agreed with your assessment and your parenting styles were enough that they kept the punishment in place? Of course it would. But I don't honestly think its realistic in most cases. My DSS' mom will ground him from video games for a month for doing something at their house, but would my DH then make sure that he didn't touch the video games at our house if some of that month fell into his parenting/visitation time, 99% of the time, no. That partly is because most of the things DSS would have gotten punished for at his mom's house, he wouldn't necessarily get punished for at our house, and vice versa, because we tend to have different parenting styles and different rules at our house than they do. Its just a fact of how children of divorced parents have it.

I do agree with the punishment you did at your house, you and your son made an agreement and he didn't stick to it, so he should be punished. And I agree that not sending it over to the Ex's for vistitation was the appropriate thing to do.
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Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 1:12pm
Oh, by the way, welcome to the board!! We do love to see newcomers and value their input on topics!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-1999
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 5:45pm

To buy him the very game that I took away is a slap in my face and it undermines my authority.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 7:52pm
I agree that it's a bad message to send the child, and spoiling the kid by giving him exactly what the other parent won't let them have is pitting parents against each other and that's not good. U fortunately it takes two adults agreeing to present a semi united front to their hild, regardless of the marital circumstances for that. You would hope even in divorce trying to do those sorts of things for the child would be the common goal, but unfortunately that doesn't always work. O will admit both my DH and his ex do this sorts of things to each other because of the bitter divorce. All I'm saying is you can hope the other parent will not directly undermine you at their house, but again, their house, their rules.
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Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 8:05pm
While I agree that you should not have given in and gave him the game, until you and the ex are on the same page, there is nothing to be done. If you attack dh that he is not doing his parental duties, then of course, he will be on the defence. I hope you both get some parental counseling so that you can be on the same page.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 4:43am

Caroline, I agree that you can't ask the other parent to enforce your punishments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-1999
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 10:13am
Thanks for replying. But I don't think this is "enforcing" a punishment. I took a game away, one that I bought him under an agreement. My ex didn't buy it. I took one game, not the game SYSTEM which he took with him to Dad's. To insist I give it back just because he's leaving my house isn't the same thing as me expecting my Ex to ground him or make him go to bed early. See the difference? And to buy him the same game is a slap in my face!? The game wouldn't have even existed had my son not agreed to eat the fruit. But, by the way, I chose fruit because he likes sweets and I hoped his palate would expand from there. I was willing to put turkey sandwiches in the agreement or corn on the cob. He wouldn't agree to that. He literally has the diet of a 3 year old - hot dogs, grilled cheese, spaghetti, Kraft mac & cheese. You might say that's my fault for giving it to him, but you have to know my son and my situation. He's not a good student and he's SUPER stubborn, I work full-time and come home exhausted so I couldn't have him start crying (which he would), exhaust himself so that he wouldn't study for tests.
Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 07-26-2011 - 4:32pm

I can see why you would not want a fight at the end of a long day, but I am thinking, you might just have to resolve to yourself,

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 2:07pm

I do see your point about your ex making him look like the good guy, but unfortunately you can't control what he does at his house so it's a waste of your energy trying to get him to see your point.