Is he normal--ir is it worse??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Is he normal--ir is it worse??
10
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 3:56pm
I have a beautiful 12 year old son....over the past several months he has become increasingly more difficult to live and deal with. I know some of the things he is doing are normal, as he is starting puberty, and has all of the hormonal changes going on--but where is the line between normal and OMG--we need to worry?? He is a nightmare to get up in the mornings, and when he is up, he yells back at DH and I when we ask or tell him something, he cries if we get on to him, and not just a normal cry either..a cry that makes him sound like we are trying to kill him. I know my neighbors can hear him! He gets us so angry that we start yelling, which I know accomplishes NOTHING! I have to keep my 4 year old son away from him as much as possible, because I catch him being intentionally mean and nasty to him. He goes from being a nice kid one minute to being Satan's spawn the next. His grades are great--we get compliments on hos wonderful of a boy he is from other people, but even lately when we take him out to dinner or shopping, he is starting to get bold enough to talk back to us, stomp off, --well, you name it! I'm getting to the point that I don't even look forward to going home from work, because I know I get to deal with his wonderful personality when I do get in. I ask if he did homework, and he yells back at me. I ground him and he laughs at me. I tried to take his game boy and had to takle him to the floor to get it out of his hands, because he started hitting at me. He's not much better with my husband. He wants to fight back at him just as much as he does me. He cussed at his brother in the car, I turned and popped him in the mouth, and he punched me in the arm when I was driving. All of this CANNOT possibly be normal for a boy his age. I feel like I'm at my wits end. He has an appointment with his psychiatrist on Thursday to see what we can do for him, but drugs are not the ideal answer. He does take something for ADHD, but I dont' want to just put a bandaid on all of his problems, but I'm at a loss for what else to do with him. Has anyone else had problems like this with their son--or is it just mine?? What did I do wrong with him that he acts this way?? One day he tells me he loves me, the next he says he wishes I would die. He obviously is my oldest--which makes me feel even more that I have done something wrong with him, and I am somehow deserving this. HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 4:16pm

Hi and welcome to the board. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am going through some of the same things as you are. I'm wondering you said he is on medication for ADHD right, how long has he been on it? It could be that the medication is not right for him & his needs. Have you talked to the prescribing Dr about it? I think you made a good decision taking him to someone and I also agree that medication is not always the answer. Maybe he needs an outside party to talk to and it will help him sort out what is going on for him. It sounds like something is bothering him & he does not know a better way to express it. There are more ladies here who will be able to give you advice/examples also. You have come to a great resource for the age group make yourself at home.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:33pm

Linda
mom to
Alex (16), Rachel (14), Matthew (12)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:46pm

I doubt this is what you want to hear, but it sounds like your son has an excessive amount of anger.

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Avatar for cathiann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 8:23am

I agree with TPPs (the previous posters).

Surviving Middle & High School
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 8:55am
Last night he was like a totally different kid. I got home, he had done his homework and chores...he was being civil to his brother....then we went out to pick up something for dinner and his brother wouldn't shut the car door, so he tripped him and made him fall. yelling and hitting is something that is not routine in our house. I did pop him in his mouth a few weeks ago, his brother was messing with him in the car and he told him to get his F****** hands off of him--this was AFTER repeatedly talking to him about how he was acting that day. So normally I don't pop or hit my son--so please don't assume that. he sees his psychiatrist tomorrow morning to work on changing up his meds and talk about putting him into an anger management class through his counseling center. My son did talk to me last night and confirmed to me that he just gets angry and doesn't know what to do with it, so anger management is definitely going to be a good first step. He sat down and even wrote a letter to my husband last night, apologizing for how he acted in the morning, and a few other things in it, but I thought it was wonderful of him to take that step. And he was even totally pleasant this morning. :) Hopefully this afternoon will be good.
Avatar for cathiann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:10am
Sounds like you have a great plan!
Surviving Middle & High School
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:19am
Yeah--I think the incident that happened yesterday morning really made him stop and think. At least that's what we're hoping. A couple of peaceful days would be nice. HAHA!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:37am

My 12 yr old daughter has been seeing a therapist for anger mgmt for the past couple of weeks and let me tell ya...the difference has been amazing! My son is more like yours, physically acting out and I can handle that. She internalizes and reacts in other negative ways, but the therapist has been amazing! Hopefully your son will have great results too!

And let me tell ya...I AM a child behavior therapist (autistic kids) so I have some knowledge in handling unwanted behavior...but if MY son was using language like that while knowing it was wrong...I WOULD HAVE POPPED HIM TOO! Not that it's right, but it would have happened.

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:48am

"And let me tell ya...I AM a child behavior therapist (autistic kids) so I have some knowledge in handling unwanted behavior...but if MY son was using language like that while knowing it was wrong...I WOULD HAVE POPPED HIM TOO! Not that it's right, but it would have happened."

I agree that it's not the Right reaction, but sometimes it's the only one you have..LOL Especially in the car with him sitting right next to me. I guess it's sometimes an instinct. Thank you for telling me about how your daughter is doing in the anger management...I hope that my son does well with it too. He's SUCH a good kid otherwise...He's a Boy Scout for crying out loud--he's SUPPOSED to be respectful...LOL!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:38pm

I agree that he probably needs his medication adjusted and perhaps some stress reduction. Maybe everything seems more difficult for him lately.

I would also recommend reading The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene. A lot of the book has to do with reducing stresses on the child and family by examining priorities. While your son is going through a difficult patch, it might be a good idea to reduce some of your expectations in some less important areas, like chores or cleaning his room, or whatever. Fewer areas of conflict. I wonder how things are going for him at school. Maybe there's some difficult social situation that he doesn't want to discuss, or more academic pressure.

Diane