He wants to live with DAD 1300 miles away

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-1999
He wants to live with DAD 1300 miles away
8
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 1:22pm

My Ex and I were married 17 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 6:13pm

Hi :)

I remember seeing you post on my Blended Families board in the past.

The best advice I can offer is, do what is best for your son.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 10:12pm
I honestly can't give you an answer, it is a very hard choice to make, and as rebekah said, you need to think about what is best for your son. But you will also want to remember, your son is now at the age where his preference is largely taken into account in court. If your ex decided to go back to court for a vh age in custody and your son rule wants to live there, the court possibly could be swayed by that. It's never an easy situation for any parent, and yes, the kids do like that grass is greener scenario, you just never know for sure how the situation will turn out, or if your ex may step up and really take on the parent role once he knows it's more of a permanent situation. I wish I could give more advice, but this is one of those situations that no matter what, someone is going to be unhappy with the decision. Hugs!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 11:38am

I'm a divorce lawyer and this sounds pretty similar to a case I had in the past except that the mom fought the dad's petition for a change in custody & lost.

Avatar for bradleyteach
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 1:15pm

This sounds very stressful and a nearly impossible situation to deal with in terms of making a decision. I am not divorced so nothing I have to say comes from a btdt experience. All I can say is that the decision must be what's best for your son. I'm not sure how a few weeks in school there and coming back to his regular school would be beneficial, or going to school there til thanksgiving and coming home to NY would be beenficial. This shouldn't be about you getting a break and many parents work and dont have family "helping."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2002
Wed, 08-17-2011 - 8:09am
I can sort of relate, although my son has not moved in with his dad...yet. My ex, too, lives 1,000 miles away and has since my son was 4. My son is now 13. Two years ago, my ex wrote me a letter asking for my son to move in with him. This was two weeks after my mom had passed away, so incredibly insensitive of him. It was also conveniently less than a year after he had remarried, and I don't think he wouldn't have asked if he was still single. (I am also remarried.) I said no. My son was doing well. ..had friends, was active, getting straight A's. Yes we have some stepfamily issues, but nothing too horrible. I really felt my ex was being selfish and not thinking that he would be tearing this kid away from his life, including his extended family. My son seemed reluctant, although he really misses his dad when he's away, so my ex backed off. But then the next summer, my son casually mentioned he might want to live with his dad when he's in high school. (This was at the start of seventh grade.) I played it cool and just said that was a big decision, that I didn't want him to move away, and that he didn't have to worry about it yet. He still had two years of middle school and a lot could change. He's now entering eighth and since that time I haven't heard more from him or my ex. But I am still walking on eggshells. I know if I fought it, the judge would probably have him stay with me. I am a good mom and he has been doing well with me; his dad has moved many times in the ten years we've been divorced and doesn't have a full-time job or a house; and my son and I have a good relationship...but if my son said he truly wanted to, I am not sure how I would handle it. I too would fear he'd resent me.

In your case, I might let your son do it and see how it goes. He might want to come back. It's different living with someone versus visiting. He might mature in a couple of years and realize all you gave him. You could keep track of the bad parenting decisions that happen such as the dentist visits, etc. And if you feel your son is seriously being damaged living with his dad, you could make a case to bring him back to you. At the very least I would tell your son your concerns and that you'd welcome back whenever he wants if he's unhappy with his dad. Could you arrange a visit before Thanksgiving? I would keep track of everything between now and then, and if it seems really bad, go back to court. But who know? It may not end up as bad as it seems. Also, your son can voice his opinion in court, but the judge will not just do what the son wants. He or she will consider EVERYTHING, including grades and dentist visits and other things.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It's so frustrating and unfair when the dads move away and absolve themselves of the hard part of raising kids, then the minute the kids become semi-adult, they all of a sudden want them back. It makes my blood boil! Still I feel for the teen boys who don't have their dads nearby. That's not a good situation either. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-1999
Wed, 08-17-2011 - 10:52am

I really appreciate your reply.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Wed, 08-17-2011 - 7:55pm
I know it's a tremendously hard decision and situation. Please let us know how things go in the upcoming weeks.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2002
Sat, 08-20-2011 - 11:06am
Maybe it won't be as bad as you think. I know it's scary. But it sounds as if your son is adamant. I guess you have to really evaluate how bad a situation he'd be entering. If there is abuse or neglect, then I say keep fighting. If it's just Dad being immature and not as attentive as you, maybe your son needs to try it out and this is a dose of reality your son needs to come back to you and appreciate what you have given him. He has no idea what it will be like, and vacations are not the same as real life. I would certainly tell your son all your concerns. He may act like he's not listening, but I bet he is. Make sure he knows he can tell you he wants to come back at any time and you will welcome him with open arms. What about suggesting increasing his time at his dad's without him actually moving and changing schools? Please keep us posted. I am sure you'll make the right decision. It sounds like you really love and care for your son, and that's what he needs.