Help!! WWYD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Help!! WWYD?
15
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 3:34pm
Okay moms....HELP!!!

So my daughter, Tayler is turning 13 on Feb. 12. The other day she got her cellphone taken away for being disrespectful. Yes, she has a cellphone. It's a pay as you go, she has to earn the $ for minutes herself and it's used primarily for texting. Anyway, so I had it in my pocket and it kept buzzing every two minutes with incoming messages. I went to turn it off and one of the messages was on the screen, from her 'boyfriend'....of less than a week. It says "I love you too babe...and I can't wait till we're alone and can make out'!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O.M.G!!!!!!!!!!!! Would it be wrong for me to go sucker punch him right now???


Well, let me first finish. After reading that, and catching my breath and waiting till my stomach stopped spinning...curiosity got the best of me and I read a few of her texts. Okay, now I always swore that I would never invade my child's privacy and I'm sure many of you feel the same way, but wrong as it may be, having read what I just read, I couldn't help myself. Well let's just say that my daughter isn't innocent. She's already planned when they can make out. Thursdays Ryan picks Sydney up at about 4:30...I don't get off until 5:00 and Carter and I don't get home until almost 6:00. Guess what they have planned for Thursday? What am I going to do???? Besides the obvious answer of having Ryan pick Sydney up later to avoid it, and besides the other obvious but illegal option of locking my daughter in the house until she's 30 (which, for the record is a joke...lol)....what

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2007
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 4:05pm

It is for sure time to talk to her.


First I have to say that my daughter (13)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 4:53pm
calm down. I have had several of these kinds of texts from jackies "friends".

First of all tell your daughter you read them. and you would like to talk to her about it. Explain to her your feelings be honest. Ask her how much she knows and how she feels about it. Then go from there. Most of the time your daughter does not want anything to happen either. Put some rules down, open the mind door and listen to her. Trust her but be firm. Everything is going to work out.
Avatar for bradleyteach
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 5:19pm

Hi Aubrey,


Reading your daughter's texts, telling her you've read her texts or changing the time of picking her up from someplace is not going to stop her from kissing her boyfriend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 11:55am

I definitely think you need to talk to her. Although I don't usually agree w/ reading kids' texts for no reason, I think that once you saw that first text, you did have a reason to look.

Now I'm the mom of a 13 yr old boy who had a GF last summer. I guess her dad did read her texts or IMs and found some between her & DS about kissing. Once when I was taking him to her house, her dad asked me if it was ok for him to talk to DS about the kind of behavior he expected of them. I like her dad & said "go right ahead." He likes my DS too. So I don't mind if he tried to put a little fear of dad into him. But that being said, I do think that kids that age are very interested in kissing and will find a way to do it, but if you can find ways to make it more difficult, that is probably good. I hope she knows that she isn't allowed to have any boys over if you're not home. But it's a good time to have the talk about why if they had the opportunity to be together when you weren't there, ti wouldn't be a good idea because things could go beyond kissing and they could get carried away and do things that maybe neither one of them would be happy about later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 1:49pm

Two things: I am a mom who believes there is NO privacy whatsoever on the internet or via texting. Kids need to know someone is looking, because if it's not YOU, it may be someone, somewhere else. Texting is not the place for private conversation, photos of self half naked, etc, etc. I teach my kids that there is absolutely no privacy via these electronic type media, simply because it's too dangerous and risky for them to believe it is. Colleges, employers, etc., all have access to myspace and potentially even texting, so what they type is open to the world, so this whole concept of privacy is just strange to me, better, I think, for them to know that anyone can and will read it, that they need to keep private things for private conversations and to always assume others are reading.

So my first response is that you need to let your dd know that you will and you can read her texts. I would not read a diary or journal (unless I had reason to strongly suspect I needed to for safety reasons), but I do let my kids know I will read their texts periodically.

Secondly, yes of course you should talk to her! Now is the time for a heart to heart talk about her choices, her future, your worries, her morality, etc. Of course we all have different viewpoints on this topic so I won't give advice on what to say, but if it were me I certainly would be talking to her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 4:20pm

Texts are public. So are posts on the internet. I tell my kids that anything you send electronically is the same as putting it on a billboard on the Mass Pike. So you didn't "invade her privacy." Invading her privacy is reading her journal. There's a big difference.


So you tell her that this very private text message came to her through this very public medium and you read it and are concerned. Then you tell her why.


And it's none of my business, but if my dd were involved with a boy like that, I'd keep her cell phone for a while, not as punishment, but as protection. Neither one of them is mature enough to own a cell phone yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 11:23am
I didn't think it was possible for anyone to read someone else's text messages unless they are forwarded to someone else. It's like email--how could you read someone's email if you didn't have the password? Is there a way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 1:15pm

Well, there are many scenarios. It's quite possible that the boy's parents are reading them. A group of kids can stand around and read them together with the receiver's permission. In my kid's phone there actually is NO password, anyone can pick up his phone and read them, so not all phones are password protected but easily accessible.

My email isn't password protected either, anyone can sit down at my computer and scroll through them all they want!

My kids emails are, and I can easily make mine if I wanted to. I have all my kids passwords at this point. My motto is "trust but validate", so while I do trust them, they know I check periodically to validate that trust.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 1:30pm
Oh, I know what you mean. If you don't erase your texts, they are still on the phone. I just erase my texts as soon as I send them. But it would have to be someone who would have access to your phone (like parents). I was thinking more "how could the general public get access to your texts?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 4:24pm

Well, the general public theoretically COULD, if the person receiving them chose to share them with the general public. So it's a good philosophy to always assume that ANYONE could see it. It's really just not at all a private way to send information and kids should keep that in mind. It's always a possibility that someone else is holding the phone and will retrieve it, that sort of thing. I just think it's a good position to take to always assume information could be viewed by others and is not private.

My son had an experience of someone else sending inappropriate messages with his phone, so this topic is one I have had some experience with. The receiver assumed he had sent them (actually, the receiver's parents intercepted them and assumed they were from him). Since then we've had the philosophy that you should a) never let anyone send texts with your phone, ever and b) always assume anyone will read what you wrote (we actually have a "granny" rule, if you wouldn't say it to your granny, don't send it).

My kids don't text with any regularity anyway, so this isn't something I have to deal with, just our basic guidelines we've taught the kids.

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