How do I communicate with her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
How do I communicate with her?
Fri, 10-22-2010 - 11:55am

I have been with my SO for over 9 years and we have had our major ups and downs during this time. He has 3 kids, whom I have never really been able to communicate with throughout all these years. The oldest son is

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Fri, 10-22-2010 - 1:41pm


Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 10-22-2010 - 1:47pm

First of all, it is partly the age and not just being a step - mom. I have had my own 14 year old who would rather be upstairs in her computer and asking to leave her alone all the time. So it is the way they are at this age. I think I have been told not to force communication but rather ask them general or specific questions about ..something to evoke more than a yes or no answer. I think keep continuing to provide the kindness..but dont force any conversations..eventually she will see it and come takes a while..hey I am not getting anywhere with my 13 year old..sometimes I feel she is a stranger and only wants me around when she needs a hair cut or new clothes..all I can say is keep the nurturing..if possible..get her involved with some fun chores..I find my dd communicates most when she is in car with me..start dropping/pick ups at school..offer to take her and her friends to a movie..or if she is open..just spend an hour or some one weekend doing shopping..They say dont judge..just put up a neutral stance. Teenagers want to be heard and not lectured. is not you or is the same issue with any teenage girl nowadays..harmones, moodiness, peer pressure..what not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-22-2010 - 9:21pm

First of all, I have to say that I don't really have the answer, but my DSD was like that too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2002
Tue, 10-26-2010 - 7:06am

I am a mom to a 11-year-old stepson. I have lived with him since he was 7, and although the first few years were OK, the past nine months have been close to unbearable. I don't enjoy having him here. He has been VERY hard to live with. Loud, impulsive, lots of potty language, "pretends" to swear, picks fights, doesn't listen, laughs when we attempt to discipline him. He argues about everything, lies constantly, mutters stuff under his breath, is always irritated. He's out of control and I hate it. I feel for him because he has some challenges in his life. I think he's a very angry kid. His mom is not a good mom and we can't talk to her. My husband tries really hard, but he and his son aren't connecting at all lately. It doesn't help that my son is a lot easier, and my husband and I have a daughter who's 3 and also easier.

I was stressing out so much that it was ruining my mood. I do so much for my stepson, and I get almost nothing back in return. That's when I decided to give myself a break. I stepped back. I still care for my stepson and do things for him, but I am more emotionally removed. If he says something provocative, I walk away or say nothing. I have decided my husband and my stepson's mom are responsible for him, and I do my best to not worry. I still consult with my husband and bring up things I am concerned about, but I don't go beyond that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-26-2010 - 7:12pm

I also think that the media and society have foisted this image upon us that step families are all going to be like one big happy family like the Brady Bunch.