Overinvolved moms

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Overinvolved moms
17
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 1:25pm

I would love to hear what you think of a situation that my daughter and I have found ourselves embroiled in with 2 different mothers that I feel are WAY too involved in their daughters day to day girldrama.

These mothers are all over their daughters facebook pages, sticking their 2 cents in everything.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 2:23pm

These types of mom's are also known as "helicopter moms".

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 3:05pm
Welcome to the board! I agree with Kelly, those are what are called helicopter moms, and these ones are definitely taking it to the extreme. Jordyn and I also have always had a very close relationship, and while we are friends on FB, I rarely comment on something, unless its in a joking manner and she knows that.

We did run into an incident like you described this summer. Luckily Jordyn wasn't involved in it, but it was a mother of a cheerleading teammater of Jordyn's, one she does not care for in the first place. Participation in fundraisers during the summer are encouraged, but not mandatory. One was in June, Jordyn was out of town as she always is in June and didn't participate in it. Apparently 2 other cheerleaders were also out of town on vacation together and didn't attend said fundraiser. One girl on the squad apparently doesn't get along too well with "B". Well B's mom messaged "H" on FB and made some comments about her not attending hte fundraiser. It eventually escalated into this mother messaging H on FB that she shouldn't have even tried out for the team, she was a disgrace for not showing up to fundraisers, etc. H has had anxiety issues in the passed and this one sent her into a panic and she actually fainted while on vacation from the anxiety over it. When she called B to ask that she ask her mother to stop on FB, B just told her that she had every right to say those things, they were true. I know that it ended up being that H's father had to get involved and actually threatened to call the cops about it because it was causing H so many problems. I'm not sure how it ended up, they are still on the team together.

I spoke to Jordyn about this when she told me about it. I point blank told her, while I tend to stay out of stuff, kids need to handle these things on their own, if something like this EVER happened, involving another parent, I was to be told immediately about it and I would be handling it. There is never a reason for it to be like that, especially since this was not even the coach of the team, the coach knew why the girls weren't at the fundraiser, and was fine with it. So this parent way overstepped the bounds of what is ever appropriate IMO. Now I will say, it doesn't surprise me, this mother in particular was about 16 when she gave birth to B, she was a single mother for many years, and is very involved in B's life, she's always commenting all over her FB page and all the cheerleader's pages, etc.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 3:22pm
My best advice is to run in the opposite direction. I know your DD is 15, but I'd still step in and block or de-friend those moms and girls on her facebook (and yours.) Set the privacy setting to "friends only." I know, it's not possible to totally wipe them out but limiting their private access to your child is certainly a must! The girls are bad enough but when their mom is involved too, it's actually pretty dangerous.

I made the mistake of trying to have a rational conversation with two such moms and I'm STILL paying for it. The only thing that works is total disreguard... no response at all and never let up. Just a month ago I made the mistake of talking to a mom I'd known was crazy and had an altercation with 2 years prior. We hadn't spoken since but she was in a group of moms I was chatting with. Within 10 minutes, she was yelling at me in front of everyone. Totally crazy but dangerous because she has no scruples bringing her kids into it, openly lying to anyone who will listen, ect.

Just stay away and block their access to your child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2010
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 9:23am
Oooo, that is one thing I definitely avoid. I know the girls would like me to step in and expect me too at times and I refuse. I only step in when it happens at schoo, and it tunrs to bullying. Then I go through a teacher of the VP.

I think it's immaturity to gt involved in your 14, 15 or 16 year olds drama. I understand hating my daughter being treated certain ways but if I always step in they will never learn how to handle people like this and then they are in big trouble when they are adults. Which is what I tell my girls when they ask me to do something.

I keep abreasted on what is going on to make sure it's not bullying or getting physical but I won't step in most of the time. I don't get how one day they hate a person and can't stand them and the following week they are the best of buds. LOL BUt, it just goes to show me they are working things out with other girls.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 10:24am

Yikes! Those are not helicopter moms, they are certifiable head cases. Threatening to abandon a child at an event because she didn't like the girl this child spoke to? That's so insane it's dangerous. Run, run, run from these moms. Do not tell them ANYTHING about your life, or even your thoughts or wishes. Definitely de-friend them and make sure your DD does the same. They don't need to know.

If the OMs tell you any gossip about other people, just listen with a neutral expression. Don't antagonize them, just fly under their radar. They are dangerous ex-girls ('cause they certainly aren't mature women) who never mentally left jr high. If you have to have people like that in your life, make sure they stay on the periphery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 1:19pm
Very out of bounds.My dd is my facebook friend ,but she blocks me from her feed and I am cool with that her friends don't need to see what I am posting.I also never post anything on her board.I would never EVER post back to her friends even if they did make snarly remarks.And if her friends were bullying her I would ask her to lose them as friends on facebook.Having a mom post nasty remarks back just fans the flames.Then to tell a kid you would not bring them home?WOW!I am always bringing home my dd's friends when they are out places,becasue they don't have rides home and they just climb in the car.I really don't want to be going out of my way at 11pm at nice,but I sure am not going to say no at that time when I know they have no way home.They are 14/15 for crying out load.Why would you do that?????

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2002
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 5:03pm
My DD is only ten and I don't get involved in her relationships with her friends. It's up to her and them to sort it out - and that seems to work. If she were 13 I'd expect to be even less involved. They sound out of order. Obviously, if there was anything serious that she told me about I would then look into it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2009
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 7:34am

Very out of bounds its amazing her dd hasn't been defriended by kids on fb. I have access to my dd's FB & I do check it just to see whats going on. I have no desire to become friends w/my dd's friends on fb, this is her world & she needs to live in it. If I see something I'll tell her right out I was on her FB page & noticed whatever & what did she think about it. I would NEVER post anything on her page. To be completely honest I have gotten some pretty good laughs on her homepage, how these kids think of some of the things they post I'll never know.

As for threathening the other girl w/no way of getting home because she spoke to someone her dd was enemies with I can't begin to say how angry that makes me. She had no right to comment on her the other girl talks to, that girl can be friends w/whomever she chooses. if I was the other girls mom I would never let my dd get into a car & go anywhere w/that mom again, not ever.

Teenage girl drama is just that, girl drama & us moms need to stay out of it unless someone physically threathens our dd's. My dd tells me alot about what goes on & I have few comments about it except to remind her that tomorrow it could all change or whatever. Sounds to me like this mom needs a life of her own or she's had alot of problems when she was growing up & is trying to relive her teen yrs. thru her dd. She definitely needs to back off.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2009
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 7:39am

Tracy, I can't imagine commenting on my dd's FB page. I have not friended any of her friends however that jerk boy that was bothering my dd for a while has a mom who is friends w/all the cheerleaders & comments often on what is going on. Figures doesn't it?

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 9:02am
I thought of this thread last night when I made a comment on FB on Jordyn's page. LOL! My brothers are friends on hers and my middle brother made a comment, she had quoted me saying something about her college "spreadsheet" and I had to make a comment back to him, they were ganging up on me. ;-) But it was a funny little thread we had. Before Christmas I sent a message on FB to her BFF about the tablet computer I was getting Jordyn because M had gotten the same one for her birthday and I wanted to know her thoughts on it, but I just sent her a message through Jordyn's page, I wouldn't have friended her to do it. I can't imagine being friends with any of her friends on FB.
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