Pl. settle this argument between Dh and I re: our DD14

Avatar for chimichanga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2000
Pl. settle this argument between Dh and I re: our DD14
9
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 3:27pm

We are originally from India and living in America for 20+ yrs. DD14 has been learning Indian (classical) dance for a few years but doesn't want to do it anymore. I am also not keen on pursuing this. DD14 is not a good multi-tasker and cannot do many activities. In grade 9, she wants to do community service and other after-school activities. She's already doing piano and karate privately.

 

To my great surprise, DH is suddenly saying DD14 cannot quit. He feels this is the only Indian thing she is learning and she has to keep at it. I am surprised because DH does not really interfere in all these extra-curricular activities but now he says no. I do not see DD going anywhere with dance; why pay $100/month if she does not want to?

Now DD usually sleeps late on weekend mornings and gets up only at 10 am. DH says this dance on Sat. mornings will get her up and is a good physical acitivity (if there was no karate, DD would be totally sedentary - she loves to sit , sit, sit and read).

 

What do you all think? Dance starts again tomorrow for fall semester and I am so mad at DH.  We do plenty of other indian events and are totally in tune with our culture.  I am thinking DD should quit in grade 10 definitely.

 

Thanks so much,

Chimi

Avatar for chimichanga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2000
Thank you all again. We attended the first class and DD was fine - no trantrums or tears. So we will review the situation in a few months. I am also bribing her a bit that I will take her to ACMoore to get her craft and baking supplies to do what she wants. I think we can meet each other half-way.
Chimi
Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
As a first generation American myself, I get it, but it will do her some good too. I had to go to ethnic school and hated as well, but all in all, it was good. My kids had to go as well, but we did stop at high school, since they were so busy then. Talk with your dh, decide on what Indian cultural things you feel are really need for your family and what can go aside for a bit.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think there also is sometimes an issue of kids with immigrant parents not wanting to be different--and that later on in adult life they appreciate their culture more.  I know a former co-worker who was born in the US but her parents were born in India.  Of course her mom always cooked Indian food cause that's what she liked--the DD hated Indian food as a teen and always wanted American food but later liked the Indian food as an adult & also was taking Indian dancing lessons then.  I think it's walking a fine line between trying to push something on them that they don't want to do but of course you want your child to appreciate their culture--but I suppose you have a lot of Indian friends and can also get together socially for some food and other activities.

Avatar for chimichanga
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2000
Thank you all. DD is going to the class tomorrow and DH has offered to drive her for all lessons. I guess the best thing is to see how DD feels in a few months and if necessary stop it by 10th grade when school stuff picks up.
Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
I agree with turtleemom that if DH is insisting and you're against it, he should be the one to ensure that DD gets to dance class.

If your DH is concerned that DD will drift further away from Indian culture if she gives up dance, is there other type of instruction with ties to Indian culture that would work better for her - Indian cooking, music, yoga? Since she loves to read and you have access to Indian cultural events, maybe she could join or form an Indian literature reading group? I know that doesn't fix the exercise issue, but she does get some exposure in karate).

Bottom line - if she doesn't love it and feels forced to do it, she may resent it and that could push her *away* from celebrating her culture. Maybe you could run that by DH and see how he reacts.
Avatar for turtleemom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007

I think that your DH and your DD need to work this one out.  Since he feels strongly, he can make sure she is up and take her to and from class. 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Hey there. It is a hard decision. I think the one thing that you both should have DD do is make a pros and cons list, why she would want to continue this and why she wouldn't and really listen to what she has to say. While I can see your DH's side of things regarding culture and all, your DD is getting old enough to make certain decisions on activites IMO and if she feels strongly that there are other opportunities that should prefer to stay with, and pursue, she should be able to. But again, that something that needs to be done as a family, listening to each other and their reasons. Good luck.
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