What if you don't like the BOY your DD wants to date?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
What if you don't like the BOY your DD wants to date?
15
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 2:18pm

Two years ago, Kenzie liked this boy, V!  He is a year older and so last year, he went off to HS!  We didn't like this boy, because of the way he leads her on, seems to be a "ladies man" and plays into the girls; at least that is how we see it from what she tells us about him, what we see when we've been at the school or when we have looked on FB.  We are always telling her to dream on and we won't permit K to date him.  He even promised K that he would ask her "out" the first day of school (which he did not), told his friends he likes her (they stop and say, "hey that's the girls V likes") and I told her, "Come on, kiddo your dreaming.  Let's forget about this boy!" She is still holding out that he will ask her to homecoming and date her.  I've told her, you will only go to homecoming with your BFF!  No one else.  BFF's mom and I even agreed that the girls should just go together, but she is determined...I'm going to get asked, end of story! Homecoming is less than two weeks away and I told her this weekend, time is running out!  She said, "it's homecoming mom, it doesn't take a lot to plan!"  Like I haven't gone to a homecoming? LOL  Dh and I went to 3 Homecomings together, thank you very much! 

At a recent parade, I saw him and he did react positively when he saw Kenzie.  Then he proceded to send her texts.  I'm not certain if he knows that we don't want her dating him, but she knows he's forbidden with us, thus far! 

I'm scared we are setting ourselves up for a closet dater, but DH and I just have a bad feeling about this kid from things he has done.  Sure he's a star football player, student and musician, but we just can't help our feelings about him! But not only that, her break up of her boyfriend this spring, didn't go over well and I am not certain she could handle the let down of this if it goes bad.  This kid is pretty well known and girls definitely have their eye on him too.  I think it would get rubbed in her face, like it did last time (she dated a star athlete in the spring) and she is not 100% yet!

On another note, she promised herself and us that she would focus on her sport and studies; which I keep holding her to it, but are we doomed?  I asked DH this morning, "are you going to give in? Do you think we are making him more appealing by saying NO?" 

I guess I just want to know if anyone has gone through this and allowed their DD to date someone they weren't comfortable with. Are our gut feelings right?  Should we follow that?  Or do we need to just let her figure it out on her own?  I probably know the answers to it, but we just have a bad feeling with this kid...

Jenn

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999

I agree with ekmama, she had some great advice.  At this point, by being so negative regarding this boy in particular, you are setting yourself up for a Romeo & Juliet type thing.  Set up dating rules across the board, i.e., these are our rules revolving around dating ANY boy at all, that way, it doesn't look as though you are targeting this boy.  If they are in school together, there also isn't a whole lot you can do, and forbidding her from it will only result in her keeping things from you in the long run.  Hugs, dating is a rough part of teenagerdom for parents! 

Photobucket
Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998

I don't know that I'd tell my daughter to only date who she would marry. These are young teens. While it's great to have ongoing discussions about what makes a good partner, part of dating is learning what it is they want. You have to be careful making lists because it can eliminate some wonderful potentiol partners. If I hadn't gone with my gut on DH, I never ever would have given him a second look considering on the surface, he was the opposite of every belief I hold dear. Through dating, I learned that he was raised and educated a certain way but it never really sat with him. 20 years later, I'm so grateful that I was open to him despite his being a sarcastic, Catholic, meat-eating, Republican at the time lol. Turns out, he's the sweetest, most loyal creature on the planet and over the years, almost all our beliefs have aligned naturally. There is something to be said for taking chances, flexibility and gut instinct. There is even something to be said for mistakes and broken hearts. We learn from it all.

My 15-year-old junior is just stepping into this world and very, very slowly. There is a lot of interest in her. She's turned down several boys. She's gone on a few casual dates and decided to check "just friends" in their box. One we worried about but sure enough, DD figured him out after one outing. No "boyfriends" as of yet though almost all her friends are male which complicates things a little. 

I do agree with the others that you should have blanket rules in regards to dating... not rules for just one case. For us, we encourage group outings, bringing the boy along on a family outing and public activities. We want to meet them before they go out... doesn't have to be formal... we just want an actual introduction. We talk about her friends and their experiences. We talk about my single friends and theirs. DD is still not interested in the boy DH and I adore but he's a friend and with us a lot. Maybe someday lol. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007

In this situation, he hasn't actually asked her to homecoming yet, and based on his past actions he may not - he sounds like one of those popular guys who enjoys having lots of girls "wanting" him, but will won't end up dating 90 percent of them. So, best case scenario, he never asks her out and your worries won't come to pass. In general, I agree with everyone else that you need a global dating policy and one that includes a lot of supervision at first - I think forbidding dating once they get to high school is counterproductive because it does lead to sneaking around, so it's better to let them see each other under controlled circumstances.

Good luck with this - girls this age can be so weird about boys! My DD is extremely bright and independent, has lots of platonic male friends, and still behaves in ways that make me squirm when she has a crush on someone. She just recently asked me if she could go to a high school in a different district next year because the boy she currently likes goes there - she claimed it was because she wanted to take French, but I knew it wasn't - and I said, "you've got to be kidding me, absolutely not." I wouldn't even let her change schools based on a "serious" boyfriend, much less some dude who hasn't even shown signs of liking her back (which is a good thing since she's not allowed to date at all until next year anyway). Good grief!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

That's an interesting concept "don't date anyone you wouldn't want to marry."  In one way, I can see your point of "don't date someone who is such a jerk that he wouldn't be good for a long term relationship"--certainly anyone would want their kids to date someone who is kind, intelligent & funny--and I don't think kids would date someone they didn't find attractive in some way anyway so I don't think you have to convince them of that.  As far as religion, I won't get into that debate--for people who are very religious I could see why they would prefer someone of the same religion, yet it doesn't always happen that way as I have 2 friends (one Christian, one Jewish) who are both religious and their grown kids chose GF & BF of the opposite religion.  But I don't know that high school kids get the concept of who they want to marry if they haven't had a relationship yet--they might think that a certain type of person is "the one" for them but once they start dating that type might realize that what they want is really the oppsite.  I have a 23 yr old DD who has been dating this guy for almost 2 yrs now--right now they are long distance so they aren't exclusive right now just cause it's too hard to keep that up, but yet when she comes home, she still visits him & he has been to visit her.  I really like the guy--he's smart, hard working, nice to her, polite to me--yet she told me that she doesn't see herself marrying him because she thinks they are too different.  I was really surprised to hear that.  He is really her first serious BF since she didn't date much in high school so I guess she is still figuring out what she wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I went back & re-read your first post and I can't really see an example of why you don't like this particular boy--the fact that he "seems" to be a ladies' man?  well you can't really go by FB posts and things like that--unless you actually get to know the kid yourself, you don't really know what he's like.  I can appreciate why in your situation you'd be nervous about your DD getting a broken heart again, but unless you totally forbid her from dating (or really liking a boy) I don't know how you can prevent that.  All relationships come with risks--even if the guy is a good kid & initially likes your DD & treats her well, there is no guarantee that he won't break up w/ her.  I'd think the best thing is to try to give her the tools so she can handle these kind of things if they come up,