10 going on 16!!! What am I doing wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
10 going on 16!!! What am I doing wrong?
9
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:15am
I have 3 boys, the oldest just turned 10 this past April.

Heres my problem. We went through the cute little 1st girl friend stage this past school year. It was very adorable, nice. Biggest thing that happened was she showed up at his birthday party. Ok school years out, he made his 1st "real" best friend this year. They have spent alot of time together at my home so far this summer. I let him go to his new best friends house this past weekend to stay. Friend has a sister, she had a friend over. I thought nothing of it. Untill monday on the way hone from daycare when my middle child..who happens to be wonderful at openly supplying information tells me:

Mom he kissed his new girl friend 3 times on the check today at school. He got into trouble! And he slept in the same bed with her when he was at his friends house last weekend.

SO I asked my oldest son. He admitted to kissing her at his friends house and at school. ( I made sure this was no interigation) He said they slept in the same room that was all. I went over the kissing is agianst school rules, I expect you to obey school rules. Now I am at a loss. I know this means hes growing up. Is it getting time for the "talk" yet?

He also lives on the phone now. His attitude has went down hill fast. I am constantly punshing him for the way he talks to me. I dont get it, a few months ago he was my son. In the last couple months he has became a different person. And as horrible as this is to say I dont know if I like the new version. Is all this normal? My husband says let it go its all natural. Boys grow up different from girls. I was nothing like this at his age. AM I being to permissive? Any advice, critism, reassurance?

Thanks in advance,

Kim
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 11:29am
YOU are not doing anything wrong, but every time I hear a story like this I wonder..."Who is this kid imitating?"

I work with kids this age (and I have a 10 year old girl) and frankly, I find it hard to believe that these boys, who do not APPEAR to be physically mature, actually have these feelings. SOme of them seem to just think these are things they are supposed to do.

Is there someone (an older teen, perhaps?) he could be trying to emulate?

Monica

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:07pm
Hmm...He was exposed to a fellow who was 17 when he was roughly around 6 for about a month. He used to keep an eye on the boys in the evenings when I took a eve lab course 2 eve a week for 4 weeks to try and get through my courses faster. Plus there was ALL the teenagers that the boys occisionally watched through the fence in our old neighborhood. We just moved in Nov. I have always been affectionate with his father. We have kissed in front of the boys many times (never any sexual stuff, just affectionate)

How do I fix it if he is moduling behavior he's picked up? Should I not be affection with my husband in front of the boys right now? I def dont want to encourage this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:37pm
Of course you should be affectionate with your husband...that is important for your son to see. I'm just saying that maybe his behavior is influenced by "outside" factors instead of feelings within his own body.

I don't really agree with your husband (sorry). My husband comes from a family of 3 boys and they all tell me that although they liked girls all along, they had no "feelings" towards them until they were much older.

I would also question the upbringing of a little 10 year old girl who wants to be kissed (mine doesn't) and I would not let my son stay over at the house of a family where boys and girls are allowed to sleep in the same room.

Monica

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:48pm

Hello Kim,


We're so glad to have you here!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:49pm
I will try talking with him this evening. Funny you mentioned driving and talk..thats normally how I find everything out. I knew ahead of time that my sons friend's sister was having a girl friend over. To be honest nothing of this nature crossed my mind. Heres the 2nd part of my delimma. I dont want to be a prude, and definatly dont want to discourage my sons friendship. How do I keep him from staying at the moms agian (where its ok for the kids to hang out alone in a room , boys and girls. And where the rules are so different?) I respect those are the rules in her home, I also dont expect her to change them. I just would feel more comfortable with my son having alittle more supervision. She works 2 jobs and is alot older than me. I dont want to offend her, or in anyway shape or form make her feel like I am being critical. She is a very nice woman, and her son behaves beautifully where ever he goes. He plays well with all 3 boys when he stays at our house. To be honest the whole family is rather attached to him. I know she has already raised 2 children before her 2 she is raising now. I respect that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 3:13pm

The other lady sounds very nice; perhaps a short chat with her to let her know what you were told would be a good place to start.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 3:18pm
Thanks guys

I have to say I have never gotten a warmer welcome from any message board!

Thanks for the advice and reassurance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 6:28pm
hi kim, i'm sort of new the boards... i come and go with long periods between due to the hecticness of our household (5 kids plus mom and dad). anyway, i have no real advice or anything but i wanted to address something one of the posters said (i'm sorry i can't remember names right this minute)... when i was 10, i clearly remember *wanting* to kiss a boy and having feelings for a particular boy. i know i was 10 because of when this boy transferred to our school and which school i was at (our district had two grades per school so every two years we went to different parts of the city for school - annoying - anyway, that is how i am positive of my age at the time). also all of my friends and i were the oldest of our siblings and we didn't know any older kids until we hit junior high school and started branching out to kids that were more than one year older or younger than us. our parents were really strict about what was on tv so tv and older kids did NOT influence us in our behavior - it was all on us.... and we wanted to kiss boys and such. our bodies definitely didn't look like they were even close to puberty but we surely were feeling it.

so the point of the story is .... even if they don't look like they should be feeling these feelings maybe they are, just like my friends and i did (well i can truly only speak for me and i know *i* did). i personally don't think that children who act a certain way have to have seen it and are therefore emulating it, i think it can just happen like it did with us. i mean, gee, our sleepovers were all about kissing, starting our periods, and wondering what sex was like. so here i am expecting my daughter to be following those footsteps and well, she isn't. she has no interest in boys (except for really liking brad paisley {the country music singer if you don't know}) in any way, shape or form. she wishes they would just disappear off the face of the planet. and i know that she has been exposed to way more than what i was at her age. so i'm thinking it has to do with internal hormones and personality more than emulation of someone/thing seen. then again, maybe we were just a pack of weirdos! :-p

anyway, since no one else was putting forth that they had feelings like this as a child i figured i would.

tammy

wife to paul

mom to christian (9-92)

toree (4-94)

madison (9-98)

bailey (10-00)

morgan (4-03)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 12:43pm

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That's a big factor I'm sure.