11YO DD compares herself to everone

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
11YO DD compares herself to everone
2
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 10:19am

My question is how do I convince her to stop. I see this behavious affects her in a negative way but she continues to compare everyone and everything under the sun. I worry about her self esteem and the fact that she is never satisfied, to be honest I'm finding it hard myself worrying that she will feel shortchanged when it comes to Christmas and things like that. According to her even the clothes her freinds wear look better on them then they do on her. We got her a nice winter coat recently and all she could say was how fat she looks in it and her freind looks so much better than she does in it (she is a little overweight) but thinks she should look like her skinnier freinds wearing the same clothes. Me and DH tell her she looks good and will probably grow soon but what we say never seems to help.
Its even a problem at home with her brother, she seems to always be watching and making sure everything is completely even between them including food gifts and even conversations. When I try to have a conversation with her older brother or ask him about his day after school, she will bend over backwords waiting for her turn to jump in and dominate the rest of the conversation. He usually ends up giving up and leaving the room. We have talked to her about this and she is trying to improve but I wish I could get across to her that this comparing stuff will really hurt her in the end..I am already seeing it in her freindships she makes friends really quickly but I notice after a few months they don't come around as much.
I've told her I think she really needs to learn to listen more and talk less.
I hate to see her become one of those lonely kids the others avoid but I understand what the problem is just from seeing how she is at home.

I try to talk to her but its very hard for me to get across my point to her because she is so sensitive and easily offended but I feel I have to do something to help her learn to not only make but keep her freinds.

I was wondering if anyone else had a child with this problem and if so how did you handle it, I would appreciate anyones input on this subject.

Thanks!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 11:36am

I think a certain amount of comparing is natural, we all do it ourselves, however when its taking over her life, when EVERYTHING becomes about comparing. Same for the fairness. Around age 10 kids really become aware of the fairness thing and its VERY important to them. It makes my DD berserk if she thinks the teacher is not treating her "fairly" compared to her peers. Again, if its taking over her life and sucking the pleasure ou of everything its too much.


I would suggest you talk to your family Dr. and just explain what is happening and the severity an maybe he/she will have some advice or they can recommend a counsellor who could help her see her own worth. Or do you have counsellors at school? We don't but that might be an alternative. I think our kids are getting to the age where no matter what "we" say, they won't believe us and think we are just saying that to shut them up for our own purposes, but sometimes they will listen to a third party like a Dr. or counsellor and it will help them see that their behaviour is not making their life better but worse.


Good luck, it must be frustrating to see her cutting herself down and not be able to stop her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:25pm

I am going to repost this issue for you in the second(Issues) folder!


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