13 year old doesnt respect me at all

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
13 year old doesnt respect me at all
4
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 9:18am

Hi all
This is going to be a long one.. so bear with me..
I have been on the site before and posted about my 13 year old daughter
about her behavior and doing bad in school and talking back to me.
Well this is almost May and she was almost expelled from a good school because of
her behavior and lack of respect to her teachers and desrupting teachers on teaching.
Now I get news that she is behaving inapproitaltly (sp??) with boys, she is aggressive and hits them and smacks their behinds; she tells that they hit her first and she hits them back but the teacher sees her and gets into trouble.. Then she made lewd gestures with her privates with a paper that she crumpled up and wiped herself as if it were toilet paper, then she was being loud in the hallway opening her legs and saying she was " open for business" now that was the most embarrassing thing i have ever heard and i was sooo humiliated and she just says that someone sayed it first and she repeated it that it was funny and was joking around.. I tell her that it was vulgar and disgusting and that she acted immoral, she looks at me and says "why not say what you mean, that I am a slut" I told her that she wasnt one, bc slut means a promiscious woman, and she is not that; but vulgar yes because what she was just that.. but she doensnt know what these words mean and asks her friends who know less, i tell her to look in a dictionary.

Anyway she gets mad at me and starts with her usual bashing bc I dont let her wear shorts or skirts to school. I told her forget it after her lack of respect for her own body and that vulgar display, she is not to wear those clothes, I told her she has to wear to khaki pants and that is it. NO more discusions.. She wants her jeans but her school has a dress code policy that she can not wear jeans and everyday was a fight with her to tell her to change, so i hid her jeans and she is mad. As punishment for her not doing school work and failing in school and lack of respect for me, her younger sibling and her stepdad. I took away her cell phone( which her dad gave her not me) her mp3 and hairdryer. She yells at me bc she wants her cell back bc her dad told me to give it back to her. I told him everything that has happened and why she isnt getting back the phone and never will.. He tells me to let her use it on weekends, i said no, it is my house and my rules. You do nothing for her and you always wipe your hands clean whenever she gets in trouble, but this time no more chances, she makes promises that she will do better and poof i get a call from her dean, her teacher that she did this and she did that.
I have taken her to therapy and she makes up stories and laughs about every situation. It was a waste of money that i dont have. She went to live with her dad last Dec. in 05 because of behavior at her zoned school, but she couldnt respect the rules of his house either and her stepmother couldnt handle her abuse towards her, which i dont blame, and it was because she threatened to leave is why her dad decided not to have her anymore; so again i was stuck with the load, she was going to go back to her zoned school but she said she didnt want to go there, so i enrolled her to a school 5 blocks from my house; and it is a very good school but she never took advantage of it; that she was getting a second chance at redeeming herself and actually doing good.. No it didnt work, all she cared about was looking good on the outside, wanting to be popular and picking on the "geeks and "nerds" and calling other girls "hoes" and "sluts", When the dean called me last week he has had it, he has suspended her, she has had saturday detention, ALS and nothing has worked to change this girl around.. I have been up to school 4 times already; so the dean told me that since she was zoned for this school anyway the principal has decided to transfer her back to her zoned school, there is only 8 weeks left in the school year. My daughter went crazy, starting crying like someone had died and making a scene. That she couldnt go back there, The dean said well thats the only school that has a opening and it is your zoned school and you can start fresh. I find out the only reason that she didnt want to go back was bc. when she living with her dad; she cussed out some wrong kids in that school in her my space and now they told her that if she came back to that school that she was going to get beat up. Well I never knew that and she was all big and bad bc she was far away and thinking that she was going to stay with her dad she bad mouthed some kids.

Now she hasnt been transferred, the dean gave her a week to change her attitude and improve in school; but at home it still the same. Dont get me wrong I love my daughter, but I cant stand her as a person; she is always talking back to me, making fun of her 11 year old sister bc she is on the heavy side and picks on her 3 year old brother all this to piss her stepdad. Last Sunday my 11 year old was riding her new electric scooter and she gets in front of her so can fall off; my DH sees this and gets mad, she laughs and says she was just playing, but it wouldnt be funny if she fell off and hurt herself. So he told her that she cant ride the scooter for being malicious; she was angry saying that she is the princess and she gets whatever she wants. That had nothing to with what she did. She is 13 and she is always comparing herself with an 11 year old. Like why do i have to do this why cant she go to the laundry and why doesnt she do the dishes. I tell her to do the dishes she flats out says "NO" why doesnt mandy do it, i tell her bc I told you to do it. And she doesnt do it. I am at my wits end with her, she is ruining my marriage, i am stressed and sometimes depressed, I am bloated and havent seen my period in more than a month. Her attitude and lack of respect is overwhelming.. I mean i saw in her notebook a letter she wrote to god how he doenst exist that he is a jerk ( and other vile words) that he is never there for her.. I tell god or no god, it is faith that makes people believe. I mean I am not a devote and I dont go to church but i do not talk about a persons belief.. I have seen episodes of Touched by an Angel and some things do make sense which i have come to terms with, That we as people cannot blame god for bad things or tragedies, it is the free will of man that makes these things happen. My daughter said how come he didnt stop 9-11 or the titanic or war. I tell her its humans who have made these choices, not god, he cant stop choices that humans make; I do not tell her that there is no god, in reality i dont know that there is or there isnt. But I know there is something supernatural and things that cant be explained. What I am trying to say is that she is soo young and having these thoughts, she watches to much Mtv which i have prohibited from her to watch bc thats is where she gets the foul language and wanting materials things like prada and gucci, she also tells me why I had another baby for, now she cant have things that she wants. this is soo sad for me, There are times where I just her to just go and make it on her own but that would be wrong bc she is a child and i wouldnt wish anything bad to happen to my child, it would hurt more and i would be to blame; but there are times I do think that.. When she lived six months with her dad it was peaceful and quiet and we actually enjoyed going out on weekends, This is a sad age for kids and parents alike..

Well i am running of words hopefully someone can give me some peace of mind and reassurance that this is just a phase, bc she is not showing any change anytime soon ..
toodles

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:42am
my heart goes out to you.
I know its hard raising a child like this. I was really mean to my mom at that age too. But it gets better. Give her some time.


Edited 4/26/2007 10:45 am ET by missybee837
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 1:31pm

I know first hand where you are coming from. We were taking care of two of our nephews a few years ago and one of them was almost impossible to live with. It's a very hard situation to be in. We tried everything we could find to help him and had finally settled on a school where kids like this can live and learn to make better life choices. We would have been able to bring him home one weeeknd a month and go to the school one weekend a month. He could come home on breaks and during the Summer if he were making enough progress (our choice to make). I honestly think this would have been the best thing that ever happend to him, but his Dad came to take him home when he found out.

We signed custody back over, because it just wasn't fair to our own children any longer. Maybe you can find something like this and start her with just a Summer Session and see how she does and go from there. Sometimes 6 weeks somewhere like this makes kids realize just how good it is at home. I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.

Tonya

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:24pm

Wow, that's a lot to digest, I can't cover all your questions because it is a bit overwhelming, so I'm going to comment on the things that jumped out at me and perhaps come back when I can!


I believe strongly in natural consequences, she won't wash dishes, I wouldn't cook dinner.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 10:36am

When I was 13 years old, it distressed and depressed me to no
end that my younger sister seemed to get away with murder.

My mother's favorite line was "you're older you should know better"
IT made me so mad, and thinking about it now at 33 years old
it still makes me mad.

I also had a stepdad.
I also questioned God.
I also dressed inappropriate for my age,
and "acted" older.

Everything your daughter is doing, she is doing for attention.
Acting out aganist authority is normal for a 13 yr old.
However the way she is going about it, is in the danger zone.

Speaking from experience she is on her way to drugs, and under age sex.

What you need to do right now is to find her a mentor.
Someone outside the family that she can trust, and talk to.
Big Brothers Big Sisters is a great organization for this!
Talk to her guidance counselor at school, he/she might be able
to help you find a mentor program.

Sometimes we as parents get so wrappd up in the day to day crap
of life, bills, laundry, grocery shopping, work, and so on
that we forget to guide our children everyday.

Think back to when your daughter first started to display
these behavioral issues, and try to figure out the trigger.
It is that trigger that is her real root issue, and one that
has her on the road to ruin.

As far as spirituality goes, a lot of times (especially these days)
our kids are more wise to the falsehoods of organized religion
than we were at their age.

My suggestion, help her find her own way.
Expose her to other means of faith.
Books, classes and what have you.

I highly reccomend the book Many Lives Many Masters
by Dr. Brian L Weiss.
I read this book when I was 16 years old and everything
about God, and spirituality finally made sense to me.

The most important thing it to be strict in the rules you
set that she decides to break.
Hold your ground as the role model, and her mother.

Being a 13 year old female is very hard, just think back to
when you were 13 and all the things you were going through!!

Encourage her, and praise her good decisions.
Set fair conseduences for her when she makes bad choices.

Reassure your love, and appreication of your daughter,
she needs you now more than ever!!

Good Luck