Advice needed on silly situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Advice needed on silly situation
7
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 2:32pm

Hi!

I am new here and I had to get some unbiased advice so I thought I would post here. I must confess that I realize that this is something I probably shouldn't stress about and that sometimes parents can get a little too involved in their children's lives but I hope you will humor me anyway and tell me your opinion in this matter - whatever it may be.

I have a 10 year old son who is turning 11 years old. I also have a sister who has a daughter who is 12 years old. I am very close with my sister (she is my best friend as well) and our kids have grown up together.

The situation is this. My neice had a birthday a couple of months ago and being that the kids are getting older the birthday situation is a bit sticky because one is a girl and one is a boy. My neice was having a girly birthday and she also had a birthday with just family. My son attended the family party which was fine. My sister wondered if anyone would show up at my neices birthday (the girly one) so she expressed that she wanted my son to come so that my neice wouldn't be disappointed in her party if no one showed up. My son and I came over after I expressed to him that there was a chance that there would only be girls there and it might not be a fun situation for him but that we would go to support his cousin. We went and it turns out all of her friends came. My neice was preoccupied with her friends and didn't even say "hello" to my son. Eventually the situation was rectified and they all played together....it went fine.

The problem I am having is now I am in the same situation. My son is having a party with mostly boys (one girl is invited). They are going to play laser tag. THe place where the laser tag is being held only had enough spots for 4 guests. I knew that probably one guest would not show so I told my sister that my neice probably wouldn't have to go if she didn't want to (being as they was mostly boys and I didn't want her to feel the same way my son felt at her party). I told my sister that there would probably be one guest who didn't show and that there is one other girl invited so my neice would probably be able to go and play if she wanted but that there was a possibility that there wasn't enough room (this wasn't my choice it was just how it turned out due to lack of space at the facility). Turns out one of the kids called and counldn't make it...I called my sister and let her know. She said that my neice didn't want to play laser tag and would just go to the family party afterwards. Now the time is coming near and I am not sure anyone of the guests my son are inviting will show. I am afraid he will be left with playing laser tag with his Dad. I expressed this to my sister and she told me that my neice didn't want to play Laser Tag and she didn't want to go. I expressed to her that I was scared no one would come and could my neice just try and come. My sister said she would ask my neice.

My dilehma is this... I am upset! My son didn't think twice about being there for his cousin. When he did show up for her..she ignored him and it took myself saying something to my sister for my neice to aknowledge he was there and to and include him in the party. My son was extremely hurt and voiced to me that "he would never do that to her".

Then the time comes for my neice to return the favor and my sister comes across that my neice doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to.

I truly do not know how to express how I really feel through words regarding this situation. Obviously there is more to this than what I can write (it would turn into a more of a book than has already been written by me!)

Common sense tells me to let the kids handle it and stay out of it. If my neice doesn't suppport my son then he will see that and decide for himself the relationship he has with her. I know this is what I need to do.

I am just hurt because my sister treats us if we are disposable at times. Am I wrong to feel this way? What should I do?

thanks and sorry it was sooo long!

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 2:36pm
Sorry...I posted it in the wrong forum. I meant to post on concerns. Please excuse this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 3:05pm
i can see your delima. My cousin treats me and my mom this way. When it comes to family get tog ethers they do not come because some is "sick" Well then its left up to me and my mom to make it all work. Well it okay for a while then we have all this food left over and we are stuck with it at the last minute. I have decided the phone works both ways, not just one. From now on we do not call them until they call us. We offer and then let it go. maybe you should express your concerns to your sister and let it lie. At least you made the effort. If none of your son's friends show up then you and your husband need to show him a good time and let others see what they are missing. Do not let it get to you or your son. Just remind him of what a good person he is for doing what he did. Have fun at the party no matter what.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 3:29pm

I don't know, I can actually empathize with your niece in this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 4:09pm

Nancymc,

I acutally didn't think of it that way. I understand where you are coming from but knowing my niece I don't think it is a moral thing (if that is what you meant) but just more of something she isn't interested in (I think you said that as well).

If this wasn't a family member I would agree with you. I fully support anyone who doesn't want to do something because "it isn't their thing" or for whatever reason they express. I actually don't want her to go if she isn't going to have fun. I truly would never want her to be put in that position.. and saying that I now realize that she is more of that sort of person. So thank you for helping me see another side.

I was hurt because I believe that if your family then you would go anyway...you know how it feels to be disappointed, especially on your birthday. If you love someone then why wouldn't you want to spare them that? Is it such a big sacrifice? With that said, I realize I am talking about a 12 year old here and not an adult. I expected that response from my sister and that is not what I got and that is where my feeling were hurt.

I realize now that I will have to just suck it up and take it for what it is. Let people be and go on with my son and make the best of it.

Thanks for taking the time :)

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 5:08pm

I actually agree with you, I was just trying to see it from her viewpoint, if indeed the shooting stuff might bother her.

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Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 5:34pm

Hi Grace!


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Registered: 04-19-2007
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 2:36pm

Thanks you guys!

I am over it. Temporary insanity. There are so many other things to worry about and I have come to the realization that it had more to do with my sister. I did put a positive spin on it and my son seems excited no matter what the outcome. If no one shows up, I plan to go as well...we will make it a family thing and it will be a blast!

I never thought my neice was a bad person...she is a kid after all! I love her to death, unconditionally. I just was hurt for my son but he is tougher than I give him credit for. He is a very uncharacteristically compasionate boy. He is very sweet and loving. This is why it is so hard.

I have got some great advice here and I wanted to express my gratitude for your time and advice. It really helped me out of a situation that otherewise could have accelerated to being absolutely ridiculous. Thanks for letting me vent and preventing me from letting my emotions get the best of me.

Have a wonderful day to you all!

Grace