am i weird?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
am i weird?
9
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:33am

i am new to the board here and was wondering if i could get some advice about whether i'm crazy or not.

my husband and i have been happily married for over 12 years, and we have two beautiful daughters aged 13 and 11.

while my husband is away for work, sometimes weeks at a time, I spend a lot of time with our friends that live down the street. they are a young married couple too, and they really help with taking care of the girls when i need to do things.

the thing is that i am developing this totally irrational crush on the guy. we click so much and I worry about his wife getting jealous. my daughters love him to death, and i think they miss their father so much when he is away that they fixate their attention on the only other male in their life. now i'm afraid this is happening to me and i know its wrong but i feel powerless to stop it.

as i alreay said, i feel like his wife is jealous sometimes about how much her husband and i hit it off. her and i are great friends and i don't want to screw up my friendship with her. i spend a lot of time over at their place with the girls, and she and i have a friendly competitive banter. one night when the girls were asleep, she and i got pretty drunk and got in this faceslapping game where at first we were laughing but a couple of the slaps she gave me got pretty hard at the end there. we laughed it off and her husband thought we were nuts, but still pretty weird.

the other problem is the girls are getting in a lot more fights now too, and sometimes its over petty things to do with getting my friend's husbands attention. just the other day we had a hell of a time getting them to release the death grip they had on each other's hair.

i feel like maybe i should spend less time there, but my daughters love my friends, and they are really helpful for when i have things to do, as i said before.

the crush i have on him is harmless, as he seems to really love his wife, and i don't think anything will happen between us, but am i crazy to be pining over him, as my daughters seem to be too? is this a normal emotional feeling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:15am

"i don't think anything will happen between us"


Sounds like you're not 100% positive there. If I were you I'd start pulling back a little bit. You are asking for trouble. You girls are old enough they should be playing with friends and hanging out at friends houses, not using some neighbor as a surogate father. Its good they have people they like on the street, but hanging out there all the time when there is an attraction is asking for trouble. I do think crushes on people we work with or live near are normal, but they usually drift away and if not, you should be taking steps to ensure that they do.


I'll tell you a little story. Two families moved in on our street. They had two kids the same age, both boys who became best friends, plus a few other kids. They lived right across the street from one another and spent all their time outside sitting in front of one garage or the other talking, ate together several times a week, celebrated each others birthdays, took their whole families on vacation together renting houses. After about 2 years one couple suddenly broke up. Hmmmm. Less than a month the other couple broke up and now wife #1 is dating husband #2. Coincidence after the break ups? I don't think so. I don't know the inside story but it sounds like some distance could have been useful for these people and saved 5 kids alot of heartbreak.


Don't assume nothing can happen. As for the violence, I have never played any kind of face slapping game and if anyone ever suggested it I would be shocked and disgusted. I have no tolerance for any kind of violence, "fun" or not. But if you think that kind of thing is acceptable, I wonder what kind of messages you are sending to your kids about violent behaviour. Kids tend to act out what they learn. Make it something that is NEVER tolerated, have strict punishments for that and stick to it.


Good luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:19am

It sounds like in your husband's absence you are misplacing your feelings for him towards this other man in a way. I guess it's good that you can admit that you have these feelings, but in the best interest of your marriage it might be a good idea to find some other friends to be around for a while. Invite the kids over to your house on the weekeneds, go out shopping with the wife, but avoid spending too much time over there. It's normal to miss male companionship and you may be mentally using him a a male substitution...warm hugs and such are hard to not get on a regular basis. I think you need to continue being honest with yourself and not put yourself in this situation for a while, if you feel your marriage is important and you don't want to put it in jeopardy. It's very brave of you to admit this, so I hope you can be just as strong in your life choices!

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:13pm
I say stay as far away from that relationship as possible. Next thing you know you'll be saying, "I have no idea how that affair started." Don't fool yourself. Good luck

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2000
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 9:33am

I agree - - the whole relationship between the families sounds not so positive.
Face slapping contests? Having to pry hands off handfuls of hair?
And these are great people to be around?

And if the people are both sides have so little control of their emotions and actions that these are things you would mention in a casual manner - - you can be pretty sure that at some point that same lack of will power and self control is going to spill over into the affair.

Back away now.

Honestly? I love my friends. But there is no one that is in my house more than about once a month or so on a regular basis. Anyone over nearly daily would be usurping family time and overstaying their true welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:15am

Sounds like you all need some boundaries and to shore up your own individual families. If you have a crush on the husband, the wife knows. The husband probably knows too. You are inviting trouble to continue on this way. This won't just devastate the wife, it will wreak havoc on all the children, all the spouses, etc.

It's not normal for you or your girls. Start focusing on your family and stop invading this other family's space, time and relationships.

If I were you I'd try and find a way for your hubby to find a job that didn't require so much travel.

Avatar for earnhardt_jr_fan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 2:17pm

Are you weird? No. You aren't weird. However, this is a bad situation for all involved.


You are developing an irrational crush on this other man because your husband isn't around. You are relying on this other man to meet your emotional needs. This isn't right. I can promise you.. the wife knows you have a crush on her husband. The husband knows you have a crush on him. This is a disaster waiting to happen. How would YOU feel if the wife were at your house all the time and had a crush on your husband? If you don't back away now, this is going to turn into a bad situation.


I can't quite understand the desire to have face slapping contests or whatever. Sounds like a negative experience to me. Also, I adore my friends,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 8:52pm

Married people having crushes is normal. It's also dangerous. There is no way the value these people have to you, helping you out, etc. could ever offset the potential harm. Why mess up two marriages?

Even if he doesn't return the crush, you're still harming your marriage by obsessing about him. Your family--and you--deserve better. Why let your girls get so attached to another man? It isn't fair to them or to your DH who is off working to support his family. And your feelings for this other guy will build up in your mind so that you don't really appreciate your DH for who he is.

If you're wise, you will run from this temptation. Find someone else to help you out if you need it. But be assured that both the husband and the wife know about your crush, and so do your kids, even if they can't name their feelings. Put an end to everyone's distress and get out of there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 8:04am

I agree with what everyone else said!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
In reply to: gal_brenda73
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 9:19am

No crush is harmless. It can rock even the strongest of relationships and if they are young in their marriage then your crush is a threat to their relationship as well as your own with your dh. The fact that you even have these feelings would be deep cause for concern reguarding your own marriage.

I would be upfront and honest with everyone involved and find a way that is mutally acceptable for your kids to still spend time with this couple.

JMO
stacy