DD Refused to go to School's Out Care

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2001
DD Refused to go to School's Out Care
5
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 10:16pm

Dd is 10 yo. I'm a working mom and need to work even when schools have in-service days. Dd had planned out that she was going to stay at a friends' house on this day. Well as it turned out this wasn't going to work out. Well I always put her in the YMCA which covers for these days. On the eve and morning of dd decided NO WAY she wasn't going. She hates it there. This was a new thing for me! She always loved going because she had some great friends she only met there.


Well that night she went to bed in tears. That morning she woke up and wouldn't get out of bed. I explained to her there was no choice, begged pleaded and threatened to no avail. Then as a last resort I called to assure her that her best friend would be there. Well wouldn't you know it her friend's mom said she wasn't planning to send her because she would stay home with her grandparents who are visiting. Well when I told her the problems I'm having, she offered to have dd spend the day with her friend. I thought for about 2 seconds (I'm already an hour late for work!), and said thank you yes. Offered to return the favor.


Well dd got her way. Now all the promises to behave are forgotten. She has become more and more irratic and demanding. She will not leave us be. Every little thing has become an issue. Dh and I are going mad and her twin brothers are also going crazy. The whole household is falling apart! They all want there way now.


I'm at a loss as to how to deal with her. I would never have refused to do what my parents wanted me to do. I have told her that she will not have her way again, and she is grounded. We had an outing planned for this Sunday, for her with her Girl Scout troop. Dh has already said he refuses to go!


How do we get out of this downward spiral.... No punishment helps. She is acting irratically, tossing things out of her drawers, and messing up her room .... with no explanation. Tonight she suddenly became hysterically and lay in a fetal position under her bed crying (it's a high rise bed with storage space under it). She refused to get out and finally we had to drag her out. She drank a lot of water and then had a shower. After that she was OK for 15 min., then she started looking for what to wear on Fri for picture day at school . Another major drama began. This has worn us out completely..... How are we going to survive this until she turns 18, not that that will be the end of it... I'm wondering how we will be able to handle it when she becomes a teen.


Help!!!!!!

Thanks,

Rainbow

"Life is not waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain!"

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 10:38pm
Sorry that this is happenig, but your dh refusing to go to the outing, is adding fuel to the fire.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 5:57pm

Why did you drag her out from under the bed? She wasn't in any danger. I would have calmly told her I was going to watch TV (cook, read, whatever) and when she was done she was free to join you. And then quietly closed the door. You are giving her way too much attention. Hissy fit about picture day? Close the bedroom door and let her rant. Sooner or later the frustration of not having an audience will change things. If she throws stuff out of her drawers let it sit on the floor, close the bedroom door and leave it. Don't clean it up, don't react.


As for the daycare, there is nothing wrong with staying with a friend. That is about the age my DD started not wanting to go to afterschool care. At 10.5 she came home by herself after school. I would not leave her all day, but they start craving that independence. Get a list of possible parents, plan to take the next inservice day off and then trade with someone or a couple of parents. Have 3 girls at your house for the day and they can take her another time.


But you are just feeding it by reacting. You can't out manoevre a 10 year old. They can outlast you in the stubborn arena, so don't even try.

Photobucket  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2001
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 8:52pm

There is nothing wrong with her staying under her bed but she was crying hysterically there and it was past her bedtime. She hadn't had her shower nor changed into pjs. We try to keep order.


She also has 2 younger brothers. They all want to go stay with their friends. This was her only friend that had grandparents visiting by chance. Since she doesn't go to the same school I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't called to check if she was going to be at the Y.


Her other friends were all either busy with appts. made to take advantage of this day, or at the school's out daycare, which she didn't want to go to.


I think it's a matter of control. When things didn't work out the way she wanted then all h..l breaks loose. If she doesn't get her way, or things don't turn out the way she planned ... watch out! This has been this way forever. It's just her character. I agree that I should ignore her and then it will pass.


But we all have our schedule and running around to get everything done. I was 2 hours late that day and almost missed a scheduled meeting. Not that my daughter isn't more important. But she's not the only one, we have 5 people in our family and others that depend on me at work as well. She doesn't take this into consideration but I have to.


Thanks,

Rainbow

"Life is not waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain!"

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 12:07am
You are tight when you said, "she doesn't take that into consideration".

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 6:01pm
I have a great parenting book that I think you would find helpful.