Family members and their "GOOD" advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
Family members and their "GOOD" advice
2
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 4:35pm
My first rant! I'm so excited!

Ok, this keeps popping up in my discussions so let's get it out in the open. I have a large extended family made up of my own family and my inlaws. It seems like every decision we (DH and I) make about DS, we somehow invite 40 opinions of what we "should" have done differently. I have no idea how these invitations started and if this is the normal course of action for everyone, but I for one am very very tired of having every decision concerning my son questioned. I am not completely insensitive, I understand that my parents and inlaws have raised children themselves, and have raised more than one, but does that make them right? Does that give them the right to try to force their opinions on me and my mothering skills? I will be the first to admit, I've made mistakes and am not by any stretch of the imagination, a perfect mother, but my son is happy and healthy and well rounded; and when it all comes down to it and we're judged by whatever maker we believe in, isn't that all that matters? I've tried the polite approach, "Thank you for your advice, I'll take it under advisement." I've tried the explanation approach, "I know you mean well but I'd really like the opportunity to make these mistakes myself." I've tried the annoyed approach, "Yes, yes, ok, whatever." I've tried the angry approach, "Would you please stop telling me how to parent my child!" and now I just do the distant approach, "I'm not telling you anything, leave me alone." The part i find the most annoying, nothing works. Short of cutting ties with my family I don't think I'll ever stop hearing how I 'should' be doing this or I 'would be better off' doing that.

When Dylan was taken and out in foster care, it was of course all my fault. My own mother said, "You should have called me, I would have taken him!" Well gee thanks Mom, but I wasn't given the option and I didn't make this decision. And let's be honest, I was raised by my mother and that's not something I would willingly subject my son to.

(((pant, pant, take a breath)))

Now the flip side, there are times when I ask for advice. I don't know everything and as much as I like to joke that I do, I know better. For example, when DS went through a bout of lying and hiding things, I went looking for advice because I didn't know how to deal with it. It bothers me though that the people who are supposed to care and be there are too busy critisizing and telling me how I 'should' have dome something differently. I don't share things with my family anymore. I have one sister, 3 years younger, who I tell everything because she's the only one who has never tried to tell me how to do things. When she offers advice it's genuine and she doesn't expect me to follow it nor does she say "do this this way". That's why i sought out this board. A place I can share my stories (and man are there a lot) and instead of being judged and told what to do, I'm listened to and loved. You guys are great!

(((deep breath, smile)))

So there, my first rant has run its course. Man it feels good to get that off my chest.

((((HUGS))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:36pm
I posted it in the wrong folder, I'll submit to the beatings now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:55pm

I've often said that you can't change others - they are who they are, feel that they are perfect