Having "THE TALK" soon, help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Having "THE TALK" soon, help!!!
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 3:44pm
Help. I am getting ready to sit down with my 5th grade SD to have "the talk". You know the one... puberty, sex, etc. She is starting to ask a lot of questions that are fairly awkward to answer and is just "starting to develop".

The scary part, is that I was a counselor at a fifth grade camp two years ago, and I was warned to keep my eyes on some of the female students because they were already sexually active. Scared the heck out of me. The sad part is, that I really think that if we (me and DF... well ok, me) don't intervene quickly she will be one of "those" girls. She has witnessed A LOT of inappropriate sexual behavior through the years (her mom's behavior with a multitude of men, and her ex-stepmom's/dad's behavior). She also has no modesty in regards to nudity and appropriateness (thanks to her dad not treaching her modesty around members of the opposite sex), so I don't think it would take much for one of her little "boyfriends" to get her naked.

Some kids, I wouldn't even worry about talking to yet, but she is very OVERDUE.

So... here is my question. I am the one having "the talk" with her, because she is the most comfortable talking to me (versus her mom, dad or step-dad). She already asks a lot of questions, and generally comes to me to get answers. But how do I start the discussion? I want to lead into it in a somewhat "natural way" to relieve some of the tension for both of us. I don't want to just drag her into a room and say "It's time we have a talk." Any suggestions?!? Has anyone already done "the talk" and can give me some pointers?


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:51pm

First take a deep breath.

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 7:36am
I feelthat this topic is too road for just one talk. Pick one part that you want to cover, then the next time, take another aspect. I talk to my kids about sex, kissing, abortion, adoptions, etc... all the time. I have the kids read teh front page of the newspaper everyday, and that is how I broach the subject. Good Luck!

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:59am

Having them read the newspaper is a good idea!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 10:53am
Yes you are right this talk is long overdue. Partly because IMO it should not be "THE TALK" it should be a gradual and constant talking over the years starting when they are young. One "big "talk" will initimate both of you. I would start by finding a few good books on the subject. They don't replace talking with her but they can make a jumping ground. What you want is to have her feel comfortable talking with you. You could start by giving her one of the books and telling her you are avaialble to talk with her whenever she has questions. But do make sure you follow through.

You probably want to find out what she knows? I agree with the idea of finding a story in the newspaper and asking her what she thinks. A movie could also be a good starting ground as well. One suggestion I have heard is to have these conversations in the car when neither of you has to look at each other. Ask her what she thinks might happen next or why such a thing happens.

For now I have been using for this "The Care and Keeping of You - The Body Book for Girls" by American Girls but it's probably too basic for what you want. It mostly just discusses changing bodies, periods, moods and such but doesn't really go into sex and boy/girl relationships.

Good Luck..

Sara & Tim
Diana (Sara 9 yrs, Timothy 5 yrs)

Sara, IVTimothy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 6:50am
WOW! My daughter is also at this stage, and while we have always had an open line of communication, it stands to reason that some stuff is well, just "weird" LOL. We have had a bit easier time of it since we breed puppies and she has gotten a chance to learn and see "life" first hand. We did the date thing when she turned 10 (went to lunch and instigated the "I noticed you've been having some questions" talk.) She was thrilled that she got some honest answers. A good gauge to see if she's got enough info is asking the all time "good answer" of what do you think? Sometimes she wasn't ready to hear all of the details. I also recommend the "Caring for your body" American Girl book. Another that helped a great deal is But How'd I Get in There in the First Place? Talking to Your Young Child About Sex by Deborah M. Roffman. HTH L

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 12:56pm

Hello and welcome!!!!

We're so glad you joined us.