hi ....and I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
hi ....and I need advice
4
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 7:38pm

hi, I'm new and haven't had a chance to look around here yet so hope to do that in the near future.

I have a friend "Peg" who's son "Tom" is in his mid teens. He's been diagnosed with ADHD and is high functioning. Peg and I have been close friends for a number of years but in the last about 1 1/2 years I've been feeling really annoyed with her son's behaviors - mostly demanding Peg's attention in the middle of most conversations, repeated cursing, constant attention getting behaviors. (He is watching us while he's acting out). Tom is in mainstream classes in school with no assistance and is capable of stopping his behaviors when reminded. However, Peg allows the behaviors to continue until I or other guests remind him or ask him to stop his behavior. Friends try not to interfere with Peg's parenting but sometimes his behaviors are so rude that it is near impossible to stay in the room with him. We also question ourselves as to how much should we say and what should we not say/do.

Peg feels sorry for Tom because his father lives across the continent and rarely sees him. As a result she lets him get away with a lot in the way of interfering with her and her friends - by her own admission.

Friends have talked with her about his behaviors as well as trying to help Tom see why his behaviors are not ok. She has also taken a parenting course but does the opposite. Peg will listen and agree but immediately go to her son and baby him by bringing him a blanket for cuddling with him (he is 14) or bringing him food or talking with him about something completely different from what is going on around them - to distract from what she doesn't like to hear maybe? When she becomes upset with Tom, her jaws become tense, raises her voice at him and is very impatient.

My problem, and I feel terrible about this but I've begun to withdraw from connecting with her because I don't know how to deal with his behaviors. I have 2 grown married sons, one of whom was diagnosed with ADHD, tourettes, and Aspergers - his behaviors were extremely violent towards others at times as well as other repetitive and distracted behaviors. He has come away from these behaviors by leaps and bounds so I am frustrated at my lack of tolerance and patience for Tom and for Peg.

I don't know that approaching Peg has been helpful or hurtful. But I do feel I can't continue being in the relationship for my own lack of knowing how to deal. Right now she seems very cautious around me when we do attempt to connect - kind of awkward. It is hard to make arrangements to get together with her just the 2 of us or just girlfriends - she will show up with him without notice and sometimes with another friend for him. This is difficult. She doesn't want to leave Tom alone.

Any thoughts? Thanks for your time. sincerely, hashell

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2008
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 9:00pm
Sounds like, when it comes to the two of you being friends, that you're not a good fit for each other! It's too bad that things didn't work out better!
Meez 3D avatar avatars games
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 6:48am
I dont see how you can maintain this friendship. She's already showing signs of feeling awkward and uncomfortable, which means she's aware of your feelings about her son.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 7:48am

I get the sense that you've BTDT. You went through many difficult years with your own son, you've come out on the other side and you don't want to have to deal with that anymore. You've done your time. I don't mean that in a mean way. I think I would be the same. You are getting some relief now that you son is grown but your friend keeps kind of throwing you back in the same situation and she may be expecting more of you, kind of a "help me, you've been there, you know how to make it better" when that's not a role you are ready or willing to take on at this time. And that's okay, you aren't obliged to be an advisor for every parent with a challenging child just because you had one.


It is very rude of her to just show up for girl only dates with her son. She should be calling you and saying "I can't leave Tom home today, do you mind if I bring him" and then you have the choice to deal with his behaviour or try and get out making another adult-only date. Its not really much of a visit for you guys if she's constantly on his case and yelling at him.


I agree with others, it may be time to step back a bit until he is older. In a few years he'll be out on his own (hopefully) and you can spend time as adult friends, not friends who are parents. It seems like she gets the hint that you don't want to deal with the constant stress and strife that comes with a friendship with her. I wouldn't likely say anything as she's going to be very sensitive, but I would either start to draw away or only

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 2:28pm
I agree with the pp's. I think that if it isn't working for you right now you may need to get "busy" and take a step back frm the face to face interaction as gently as possible. Your friend may need a wakeup call about how her son is being allowed to dictate every aspect of her life and maybe having previously supportive friends being less than willing to accommodate this behavior as he grows will help. Good luck
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