Hi! I'm new to this board.....
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| Sat, 06-02-2007 - 11:19am |
But not new to ivillage - I used to post religiously until the one of the boards I attended was discontinued, then I lost touch, but I'm so glad I just found you! I've missed the support you get here and I need it!
I am married and have 2 boys, Dylan (10) and Aidan (5). We live in NY. My boys get along like water and oil. I work part-time in a NYC lawfirm at night and on Saturdays.
I've had a family dilemma and need advice: My 10 year old (5th grade) LOVES his older (male) cousins - he trys so hard to fit in with them (one is 11, the other is 14). Usually all is well, except when the 14 yo has a friend around. We were there on Memorial day for the 14yo's b'day and he had a friend/neighbor there. I found out in the car on the way home that 14 and friend were calling him "Fatty McChing-Ching" (gee, I never had to figure out how to spell THAT before), "Titty Monster" and "Jelly-Roll". He was very upset and told me he asked them to please stop because they're hurting his feelings (the one time he does as I tell him - he won't do this to his brother!) Anyway, I called my cousin and told her this was going on (we're supposed to be going camping (under protest on my part - another story) with them and now I find out WITH this kid and his family - this is usually a FAMILY trip) and she got VERY defensive with me, told me my son "isn't exactly innocent", "it doesn't sound like something that "neighbor kid" would say", and I "really need to let the kids handle this type of thing on their own". My son tried to handle it because he doesn't want to be alienated from his cousin and I told her that her younger son (the 11yo) was trying to stick up for him. Also, the name calling trickled down to the younger kids and they were all calling him names at one point. Now, I saw my cousin yesterday when she came by to get the camping $ and she didn't mention if she spoke to her son (who is constantly lying, btw, I've seen him do things and insist to his parents he never did it). Also, my dh went to see what video game they were playing since we regulate what our kids can play, and her kids were playing "Grand Theft Auto" which we forbid our kids to play, and the 14 yo had "bad" rap on his MP3. Should I ditch the camping trip even though I already paid? I really don't want to go, but if she can't control her kids, I don't want to be part of it. I don't want my son being the butt of their kids' jokes. Those kids are going to be in jail someday because of lack of parental supervision, I firmly believe this. At 10, 11, 14, you have to enforce rules. My son wouldn't make this up about the cousin he so clearly puts on a pedestal, and it makes me so angry that she won't believe me! My kid is chubby, but he's working on it, but I believe a 10 year old must be healthy - he exercises and eats healthy food - I'm a health-food nut! He shouldn't be made fun of BY HIS FAMILY and not get an apology. Right?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated and again, I'm so glad I found you!
Chris
(Dylan 10/96 & Aidan 12/01)

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Hey Chris!!! It's great to see you again after so many years!!
No advice, but, yes I agree, he shouldn't be made fun of by his own family and he definitely deserves an apology.
Great to see you here..stay active!
Alysha
Thanks Tam - I know I'm preaching to the choir here because most people who seek friendship, help, advice on these boards are good parents looking to be better - I really appreciate your response!
I'm out $121 and I kind of feel it's worth the $121 to not have to deal with the bs from my cousins (3 other cousins & family go with us) and the hassle of camping with kids! I'd rather check into a hotel and have a REAL VACATION! DH and I are talking about taking the boys to my friend's house in Lake George for those same few days, this way they don't feel cheated; unfortunately, they both still want to go!
Hey Alysha! How have you been! Wow! Alyson is such a big girl now and so pretty!
I'm so PO'd, they really put me in a bad spot - then my cousin called me the other day to ask for the money ASAP because she just got laid off from work! How was I supposed to say I'm not going then? If he doesn't get an apology from his cousin, I may just decide to not show up. Should be interesting....
Nice to "see" you!
Chris
Wow, that's an expensive weekend of camping. Any chance you can get some of the money back? Of course the kids want to go, they are eternally optimistic and forgive more
Hi Chris
I'm not a regular member here, but like to scout it out. I'm actually enjoying this board, so may decide to "come out" soon.
Anyway, I have a 14yr old son, and an 11yr old daughter, and I just want you to know that there is a BIG difference between how the girls deal with eachother and how boys do it.
Just a couple of things concern me here. For one, you never wanted to go camping in the first place (i completely undertstand,not anything I lke to do), so rather than making it about the kids, just tell everyone you've had second thought and don't go.
You advise that the other kids are hoodlums, will be in jail soon, yet leave your kids alone with them. I've had friends with kids that I felt that way about, so I always made sure that these visits were either at my house where I controlled the situation (for example, I just sit them down and lay out the house rules) or keep my visits there real short, and in both cases do a LOt of follow-up with them when they are together.
Lastly, a 14 year old boy would much rather spend time with another 14 year old boy than a 10 or 11 year old one. Give him a break. Tell you son that he has another cousin/friend/brother there, and unless the older boys include them, let the younger ones play together. There is a rather large interst differenec between boys in that age level, and having a younger one follow them around will just annoy the 14 year olds when they are trying to hang out together. And the type of video games and music that you descibe is one indicator of the differnecs that age makes.
One last thing. Boys are really bad at appologizing to eachother. To force this to happen, rather than to leave it to the boys as you relative suggests, may get you child to be ostarasized or made even more fun of. I know it sounds harsh, but they can work it out without you getting involved.
So, just try not to start a war here. Don't go camping if you don't want to, and explain to your son that there will be times when his 14 year old cousin will want to spend time with him, but he is an older boy and will want to spend time alone with his older friends as well. He should tell you if he gets overy teased or made fun of, but otherwise he can play with the younger kids.
Thanks - I will be by more often now that I've had time to find you! ;o)
It's really a 4 day trip, but I still don't want to go.
Thanks for the help!
Chris
Thanks for your response. I never wanted to go on this trip - we go every year with my cousins somewhere else and it's just the family. For some reason this year my cousin invited her neighbors to go with us.
My son has been playing with his cousins since he was a baby and they've always gotten along great - it's just this past year that the older one is getting nasty. His 11 year old brother is always with him and my son wants to be with the 11yo. He knows to stay away from trouble and he wasn't left alone with them, we were all there at my cousin's house. It's just when the kids are out of ear-shot that the nasty names were called. I don't see any reason why they had to do that to him and it really bothered me that the other kids (other younger cousins) started laughing at him and doing the same thing. If the 14 yo wants to be with his friend, then fine, but don't invite him to a family b'day party or a family vacation. My son did separate himself from the bigger kids that day and he only told me why on the way home.
So, in order to not start a war, I've decided we're not going. I haven't told my cousin yet - it shouldn't matter anyway since I already paid her my share. Dylan knows to stay away from this cousin, but I don't want to risk something bad happening to him out in a camping ground because his cousin wants to look cool.
Thanks for your advice.
I think you hit the nail on the head. At this time in life, the 14 year old wants to look cool. Unfortunately, it means being mean to others. Hopefully he grows out of it soon.
Barb
sorry to read your not going. I don't blame you one bit. (((Family))) geez.........
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