This is how I feel and I need advice!!
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| Mon, 05-05-2008 - 10:49am |
Trying to make a long story short here, but I am wondering what those of you do who really don't "like" your step-children or semi-step-children.
My DH has a God-daughter who he helped raise until she was 7. My girls have been bugging me as well, not listening, back-talking, etc. They are 11 1/2 and 13 1/2. The GD is also 13 1/2, but I find her to be more difficult than my kids.
My DH pays her private school tuition every month. My kids are in public, by my choice. He wants to help support her. I admire this, but it is expensive and sometimes hard to fit it in our budget.
Anyhow, my girls have an A and B average in school. The GD has a C average. I think this could be changed, but her mother just doesn't try hard enough. She stays up too late on school nights, she watches TV too much and she just doesn't care. She's getting tutoring, but she thinks her grades are funny. My DH says he can't "make" her smarter. I think it's mostly lack of trying. She has always had a hard time fitting in when she comes over. A lot of it is her attitude. She is very sensitive, but also can be very rude. I've struggled with this for a long time. I have no control because she doesn't live with us.which is fine with me. But I've told my DH he needs to tell her to get better grades or he'll take her out of her school and put her in a public school. Or take her cell phone away that we also pay for. I'm just tired of it all. Why pay for a private school when she doesn't care anyway?
An example of what drives me nuts...she wants to go to summer camp. She knows the name of it and that her friends are going. I ask where it is and how much it is and she has NO clue. She also mumbles and talks very fast where we can't understand her half the time.
I know I sound mean, but i need to vent and also would like to know how moms in my type of situation deal with this? My DH can't do a whole lot since she is only over every other weekend and most of the summer. He feels as if she is his flesh and blood. But I've had a hard time liking her in the past 5 1/2 years. Even my relatives think she's rude when we have birthday parties and family things. 80% of the time her attitude stinks....and it always has. My DH says we are each used to our own kids and we dislike different things about them. Help! But please be sensitive in answering my post. It is hard to understand these dynamics if you aren't in this kind of family situation.
Sorry so long.


















I really don't know what to say that is helpful. I'm sorry that I don't have any answers but I will give you my thoughts.
It sounds like you have every right to be annoyed and that she is rude is not acceptable. Maybe take some time with dh after this vent when you feel calmer about it and talk about how angry/upset you *really* are over this. It's great that he wants to support her and love her but maybe she needs to have some limits placed on the monetary things she is getting. If she can't/won't pull her grades up after x amount of time would dh consider stopping funding her tuition? As far as being rude at family occasions, is there anyone dh really respects who finds her obnoxious as well? Could they have a quiet word with him when they see her attitude or notice her being rude? The summer camp issue...I'd ask her to find out when/where/how much and when she needs to be enrolled by and IF she doesn't then she doesn't go. Market it to dh as a responsibility lesson as she is getting older and needs to be guided to do for herself.
Some of it is hormones and just being a funny age. I remember my teen years with horror for some of the attitude I gave. The talking fast/mumbling thing is a grin and bear it sort of problem wiht occasional gentle reminders that you can't understand her.
He wouldn't cut off her tuition..but I told him he needs to do more with her as far as being stricter about grades and things, but since he doesn't live with her anymore, it's kinda hard to do at a distance. So I think he tends to let things go.
I try to just let him take care of the issues, but inside I get very upset. He knows how I feel about her...and nothing changes...she's always been this way.
I know I'm also not used to having kids with low grades. My 11 1/2 yo DD got a "D" last quarter in Science, but we worked hard with her and she turned in missing assignments and got it up to a "B". They both usually get A's and B's. Since I don't live with GD, I'm not sure if she really is just a "C" student or she's just being lazy.
ugh
While I am familiar with this sort of problem when it comes to a step-situation.
Thank you. yes, it is hard for me sometimes because she is not his bio-child. He did raise her as an infant with her mother until she was 7, so he is the only dad she knows. On one hand, I admire him for that, on the other it drives me crazy.
She has had her cell phone partially confiscated at night, when she stays up late texting!!
If I try to suggest too much on how to discipline her, DH and I end up arguing. It's hard because she doesn't live here...but he does have influence over her. Her mom is ultimately in control and she's not a very good mother.
I know public school won't hurt her, LOL, my kids have always gone to good public schools. Where she lives, though, the schools aren't as good as where we are. That's why he's sending her to private. She's getting tutoring but I don't know if it's really helping.
I will try to mention no camp if grades don't improve. Her mother likes my DH to pay for anything he can...she's really taken advantage of him...more so in the past. Her sperm donor never stuck around...she just used him to get pregnant.
It helps me to write about it here because it's hard to communicate with DH about all of this.
My ex is not wonderful, either...he owes me about 9 months of child support. So we're dealing with a lot of stuff now.
I was hoping to get more input, but sometimes that's what happens. I was hoping to hear also from some step-parents who feel like I do.
Thanks to those who responded