hurt daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
hurt daughter
4
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 2:07pm

Hi everyone,
this may be long winded as I'm not sure if I just want to vent or ask a question.

My STBX have been separated for 4 years. He moved 3 years ago across the country to be with his girlfriend that he was having an affair with. He returns to see our 11 year old daughter (and other family ) for about 4 days at Christmas. His phone calls have become more infrequent as time has gone by and as of right now it has been over 3 months since he has called her. I have told DD that she can call Dad anytime she wants but she hasn't. She has contacted him on MSN a few times lately and they've talked. She just found out from one of these chats that X and girlfriend have moved in together. I think since January or sooner. Last night she came into my room just sobbing and wanted a hug. She said that there are "too many changes" - she got her first period, Dad moving in with girlfriend, missing Dad, missing her old school and simpler times. "Why doesn't Dad call anymore?" "Is he too busy with girlfriend?" "I don't want to grow up" "I want things the way they were" "I know that Dad will never move back" (he had told her when he left that he would be moving back to the area in 3-4 years, which would mean next year. His Mother told me that he was thinking of building a house there which sounds pretty permanent to me. I haven't told DD this info) She said "I'm tired of being sad and crying in the bathroom stall at school but I can't stop myself from thinking these things." Also, this morning I found out that a couple of girls in her class are having the age old fight - "are you or are you not my best friend" with her and they would tell her today if they will still be friends with her...which is a big deal to a kid.
I said everything that I could to reassure her, and that change comes whether we like it or not and sometimes it just takes time to get used to things being different. She said that she knows all this in her head but she is still sad.
I haven't said anything to STBX about him not calling her as I have tried to step out of that relationship. When I have mentioned to him before that she was feeling sad or angry he accused me of trying to manipulate the situation to try to make him feel guilty. So I stepped aside thinking "he's an adult too and he'll do the right thing" but now I'm not so sure. I know he loves her but it's beginning to feel like his priorities have shifted and DD is on the losing end.
I have asked DD if she would like to see a counselor again and she said that she might.
Any advice, experiences,wisdom would be welcome. Thanks very much.

Laureen

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 3:39pm

Laureen, I am very sorry to hear that you and your DD are going through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 4:36pm

Laureen,

I'm so sorry to hear your dd is having so much trouble.Reading your post reminded me of my childhood and I can relate to how she is feeling as my father was one of those parents who only had anything to do with me when it suited him and his girlfriend/wife. She didn't like us kids very much and made that plain when we went there. I can remember when he got married I was 13 and I sat through the ceremony and when that was over I went and sobbed in the bathroom stall at the reception because as violent as my parents relationship had been that meant they would never get back together again(with 18 years of hindsight that was the best course for them but it was hard at the time and he had been with her since their affair when I was 4)

I think Tracey's idea of a letter sounds like a good one. It may or may not change the way he is with her. She needs to be prepared for that eventuality so I would say something like it's great you are mature enough to get the feelings you have down on paper but dad may not see things your way so as hard as it is don't get too excited that things will change overnight. It may be the wakeup call he needs to get his act together or he may try and brush it off as you being manipulative...to clear his very burdened conscience.

I think you are handling it the only way you can. It's great that you don't do her dad down as hard as it may be sometimes. You are supporting her as much as you can and some of the tears may be down to hormones starting to change so little things become HUGE things at this age. I hope if she writes the letter she gets a positive response from him and maybe some more contact throughout the year.

siggy
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 5:53pm
I totally understand what you're going through. I've been divorced for 7 years. My kids have adapted pretty well. I've learned over the years to let them have their own relationship without me interfering. IMO, your DD needs to see his true colors. Don't ask him to call her more or whatever, because he left and this is what he chose. My ex used to say I was manipulating him too with things with the kids. If he wants to call more, he will.
This is very hard on kids, I know. My girls are 11 and 13. I remarried and have a 2 year old. They do ok with our new family, but we have issues...esp. with DH's God-daughter(see my other post about this is how I feel).
My 2 pieces of advice: Take her to a counselor even if she is unsure about it. At this age, they think they know what they need, but they are still so young.
Also, don't ever get remarried or date. It just adds to the problems. I am sometimes struggling very hard to keep the family together. I don't want a divorce, but it's hard.
Don't add problems to your already difficult situation, take it from a person in a second marriage.
I hope I've helped. Also, your DD knows she can call her dad anytime.
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Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 05-07-2008 - 6:09pm
You already have some great advice, just sending out a ((Hug)).

Ramona

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!