I cant give up! 11yr old boy AAGGHHH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
I cant give up! 11yr old boy AAGGHHH!
9
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 6:26pm
Hi everyone! I am at my wits end, I have an 11yr old son who is talking back and acting out and I have resorted to spanking him twice and feel awful about it. He throws his school papers won't start his homework and doesnt bring home books and generally doesnt care how he does. He is very disrespectful at these times saying I wont do it and you cant make me and calling names (not obscene thank goodness)I have tried grounding taking away video games t.v.,talking to him about the future and helping patiently, helping impatiently. Being nice being scolding. He was diagnosed w/ add but the medicine is hit and miss sometimes making him worse later in the day. His grades are always on the low end. I have taken him to two different child counselors and they think he's normal and acting out. And I've taken him to 2 psychiatrists who say he's classic add. I give up!! But not really I will never give up to let him be less than he can be. Any one else have a child who is rebellious and thinks you are the meanest thing ever because you have them do thier homework and clean thier room once a week? OMG! I have a 16yr old girl and she has never had any discipline or attitude problems. I need a good book or a good counselor who doesnt think I'm making this up or blowing it out of proportion! Ok , well I needed to vent and maybe one of you has a bit of advice I can try. God Bless, DP
Avatar for keke0116
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:26pm
Hi ... Perhaps I can help you. I have an 11 y.o. who has ADHD, ODD, Auditory Processing Problems, and is gifted. I have a website about ODD: http://pages.ivillage.com/keke0116/

I'm not saying or suggesting that your child has ODD, but there are some similarities between what you said and what ODD is, and thought this might offer you some insight. But there are some things that I've learned with my ODD child ... focus on the positive and ignore (as much as possible) the negatives. On my website is a sample Behavior Chart which is geared more toward younger kids, but there are adaptations to this that work. For instance, with Kevin (my 11 y.o.) he has a weekly calendar which lists, by day, what he has to do (homework, chores) plus whatever activity he has and what time he needs to be ready ... and he knows that his allowance is tied into compliance. (Last year, it was similar, but he earned 'privileges' by compliance and everything in our house ... riding bikes, watching TV, playing on the computer, hanging out with friends, rides to baseball practice ... is a privilege.) I'd go into more detail, but honestly, I'm wiped out. But, please look at the website and see if that helps. I'll answer anything I can ... here or e-mail me personally.

Nancy

Nancy 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 2:25pm
Hi, I am also new and at my wits end. I also have an 11yr son who is just way out of control. he is very disrespectful to myself and my husband, doesn't think that he has to take resposbilty for his actions, talks back, etc... I have no idea what to do as I have tried everything. I have taken things away, grounded, screamed, yelled, ignored him, let him do as he pleased (for about two days), I rewarded good behavor ignored bad behavior, evrything. He knows exactly how to push my buttons and what gets me going and he plays me very well. I know it bothers when when I ignor him because he will follow me around constantly, but I can only take that for so long before it drives me nuts and he knows that so I am fighting a loosing battle and I just want to run away. I have read the books that say this is all normal so I try to overlook some things and be patient with others however I don't know know if I'm going to make it. help
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 3:46pm
((((Hugs))))

I don't really have advice for you, since I've never dealt with a situation like you describe. I just wanted to pop in to give you a warm welcome and to add some ((((hugs)))) that you probably need.

One thought does occur though, you mentioned that you've taken you son to a couple counselors who said his behavior was normal. I can't dispute that since I'm not a trained professional, but couldn't they give you any coping tools? Some behavior modification ideas that could work? As I said, it was just a thought and perhaps they already did so. I'm so sorry that I can't offer more.

Best Always,

Sherrie

co-CL


Edited 9/11/2003 3:52:34 PM ET by cl-iluv_being_a_mom

Sherrie Rainbow

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 4:28pm
((((Hugs)))) and welcome. I wish I had more to offer, but I've never dealt with this myself. Have you talked to your son's doctor about his behavior? There may be something s/he could do or recommend to help you take care of your son.

Good luck,

Sherrie

Sherrie Rainbow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 9:31am
OK, I went through this one too, several years ago. Constantly punishing is not going to teach him to behave. I learned this one the hard way. My son is now 21, he was diagnosed with ADD back in the 1980's, and there were precious few resources for me. I made all the mistakes. Now my youngest was just diagnosed with ADD, and there's so much more support. One thing I learned is that when they are coming down off the meds, they can be quite moody, and it's usually after school in the late afternoon. But it shouldn't be too bad. My youngest does some kind of physical activity when he gets that way, shooting baskets in the driveway, etc. and a snack with protein, like cheese or something helps too, since he does not eat much lunch. Some days I just lay low and save the homework for right after dinner but not much later than that. And, maybe a different med is what he needs. Also, I don't know about how good Strattera is, but it's been used for about a year now on kids, so ask his doctor about it. Also, can you observe him in the classroom and on the playground? Maybe he's having a peer problem that makes him feel bad about himself. Find any little thing that goes right and really praise him sincerely and often. I just got my son to swallow capsules, and I do a dance every time he does it still and as goofy as it is, he grins from ear to ear! Good luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 4:44pm
Hi! Thanks so much for all your responses , very nice of you to offer encouragement. We have been reading a book called ending the homework hassle. Man, it is like they live here!! I also bought one about ADD w/ out medication I havent read much yet but I'm searching for help. I feel like crying when I feel so helpless ,what a weenie! ;)

My marriage is stressed too. This is a lot for a step father to deal with. Even a natural father would be pulling out his hair! But I am meeting w/ teachers on Tuesday and am going to try the things in the homework book. Wish me luck I will post to let you guys know how its going. Thanks! DP
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 4:46pm
Hi Lola, I am sorry to hear my son has moved in w/ you!! ;) Lets keep in touch and support one another!! Gotta go right now but will be back later. Dru
Avatar for cl_janetlh
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:24am
I just wanted to add my welcome to the board. I'm glad you got some helpful responses, and you sound in this post like you are forming your "game plan". I find it so much more stressful in the "I just don't know what to do!" phase. I hope the homework book helps (I think it's the same one a friend of mine used with her borderline ADD dd, and it worked) and the teachers will have some insights for you as well. Please let us know how you are doing.

Janet

Janet


Jewish Family Life

Avatar for cl_janetlh
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:27am
Welcome! I hope some of the responses in this thread have given you ideas. I'm glad you jumped in on this post, and hope you'll keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

Janet

Janet


Jewish Family Life