I really need some help w/ 12 1/2 yr old

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
I really need some help w/ 12 1/2 yr old
16
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:53pm

Hi..I'm new here and looking for some input. I have a GATE 12 1/2 year old who's in 7th grade. He is having problems (more than usual) remembering things, such as writing down his assignments from the board, remembering his bus pass, remembering to bring a pencil, his agenda...stuff like that...seems minor I know...despite constant reminders he still forgets more often than not. We've used check lists, reminder notes...and none of it works long term.

Now, I've gotten a call from the school that 4 of his teachers want to meet with me about his classroom behavior, frequent trips to the nurses office and where he is academically. His 6 week progress report should be out next week and I'll be able to tell what's really going on grade-wise. He claims he hasn't been told what he's receiveing in his classes...and his test grades are pretty good (A's and B's).

When I asked him about his nurses office visits, its been 3 times in 6 weeks...2 in the last 2 weeks, for upset stomach. The nurse gave him Tums and sent him back to class. I was not called, nor did my son mention it. 2 times in English class and once in Math. Personally, I don't think this is a big deal, however I can understand how it might look to a teacher if its happened more than once. I told my son that the teacher might be thinking he doesn't want to be in class....and I asked my son what's going on..he says he's bored, this teacher hates him, he can't stand this teacher, can't stand that teacher...her voice is like nails on a chalkboard he says...and starts crying. I hate to see him unhappy,but I also don't want him copping out because he's bored or whatever. He admits to being lazy...and his constant answer is "I forgot". He says "I just can't remember".

I told him I could help him by removing the distractions at home...distractions that keep him from getting to his homework until it gets later in the evening and he's tired. Getting him to actually DO his homework is a problem, when he actually gets to it, he does it pretty fast. So for now..the TV, Computer and telephone are off limits.

So I don't know what to do with him, or what to do with these teachers who are calling me and complaining about his forgetfulness. Isn't it kind of common at this age to be going thru alot of changes in the body that might affect alot of behavior and feelings including memory? And wouldn't the teachers know this and what do they want me to do about it? One teacher sent him out to the hall to sit b/c he forgot his agenda. When she came out later and "ASKED" him if he wanted to come back in, he said no...he'd just sit there...she asked him what he wanted to do, and then complained when he chose to stay in the hall. Granted it appears defiant, but she did ask him. I would have TOLD him to come back in. He's at a stage where he takes everything you say literally, down to hair splitting which drives me crazy..but that's where he is now.

Any suggestions?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 2:36pm

Hi there and welcome to the board!


Yes a lot of the concepts of his issues are hormonal and age appropriate, but I feel there is something deeper going on!


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 9:14pm

Hello and welcome to our wonderful board.

The distracting part sounds so normal to me. My tween is queen of distractions. I've banned her from a few of the things you've banned your son from. So far that has really had an impact on her. Maybe it will with your son too.

As for the forgetfulness geez that sounds so normal to me too.

I'd wait to see what his teachers have to say and then I'd go and have a chat with the counselor. That's what they are trained for. They see this sort of stuff all the time.

Sorry I'm not much help here. Just wanted to offer you a great big hug and please come back and let us know how things are going.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 3:18pm

Update: I got a call from the Vice Principal yesterday at 5:15 asking me what was going on and what was this meeting about my son she had heard about. I told her my story and she was surprised that I had only heard from one teacher prior, and it was just to inform me that my son had forgotten his agenda. She also agreed with me that the counselor who had phoned the day before should have armed herself with more information b/4 picking up the phone and telling me to come to this meeting without any details. She also said she could see my point in not wanting to meet with everyone at once, but preferred to do a one on one, with the VP or counselor was fine..but I didn't feel I wanted to discuss one teachers issues in front of others. Bottom line, she said she knew my son, great kid, smart, blah blah blah and that this should be a positive thing and was it ok to set up a meeting between the math teacher that started all this and her, and myself...I said yes. So that's been scheduled for Monday after school.

Yesterday, I asked the counselor to provide me with an agenda of the meeting she said would go on today without me, and the subsequent minutes/conclusions. I have not received a response to that email.

Yes, I know some of this behavior is normal...and some is my fault, and some is his fault. Last night he really tried, and I praised him all over the place....I also told him I noticed that when he really tries, he CAN remember!!!! He also admitted that he was trying harder b/c he didn't want to get yelled at. I said why now and he said I just didn't care before. I gotta really think about that one...didn't care before. Well why not????? lol.

I tell you, its soooooooooooo exhausting...I'm nearly 49 and I don't know how I'll survive the next years....one of these days he'll "get it" right??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:34pm

Thanks for the update! SOunds like you are all getting on the right page!


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 8:14am

I could have written a lot of your post. My son is also 12 1/2 and also very bright. My nickname for him to myself is the absent minded professor. In fact just this morning we discovered he left his shoes in the gym because he had soccer practice after school and had no shoes to wear to school. We struggle with him bringing the correct books home. He's soooo literal I could strangle him sometimes thinking he's being obnoxious, but he really just thinks literally about everything. He's very bright in science and math, and it freaks out the math teacher. God help her if she works out a problem on the board and makes a mistake because he will point it out. She'll ask the class an extra credit question and he'll answer immediately, without taking the time that night to work it out, and therefore give all the other kids the answer. He's getting better at that.

I'm surprised they're calling a meeting. It sounds like typical frustrating 12 yo behavior, although if they're all willing to discuss this and figure something out that could be great, it would terrible to just be a tattletale meeting.

I'm a believer in natural consequences. I don't go back for forgotten books and I try and keep school stuff at school. I'd hate to not get to watch greys anatomy because I made a mistake at work. If he's miserable at school, don't make him miserable at work.

I say that and just last night he was telling me he forgot something and I told him perhaps I'd forget to pay his tuition.

I'm thinking part of his problem is typical 12 yo stuff and part of it is he's probably not at all engaged in the classwork.

Please let me know how you all handle this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:40pm

Hey thanks for you post!

here's what the spanish teacher wrote back to me this morning:

I will be happy to sign his agenda if he brings it to me at the end of class. It's unfortunate that you chose not to attend the meeting yesterday. Eight staff members spent 1 hour of their time discussing Hayden and how to help him to be more successful in school. I will check my calendar and get back to you with another meeting time.

here's what the history teacher sent me just now:

.....

I believe that all of his teachers were in attendance. We seem
to all be having the same concerns. I've had him call home at
least two times for incomplete homework assignments. He
goes from being lethargic (appearing to try to sleep in class,) to
extremely active. (Out of his seat , talking to others
during classroom instruction, not always focused etc.)
He appears to seek attention whether it's positive or negative from
me and his peers. He's always friendly to me and is capable of
doing very well. We need to get him on track...This type of
behavior is not that uncommon at the beginning of the year,
(especially seventh grade) where they are now going to many
different teachers with different sets of students/expectations.
Usually the students settle down but I think for Hayden it's
taking longer. Anything you can do to help would be appreciated.
As I said earlier, tutoring after school would be beneficial until
he gets on track and having him come to me to sign the daily
agenda is a good idea so that you can check the homework is
usually quite effective. And in my class, any work he didn't complete
will show on the letter so he needs to complete it this weekend
to make sure he's keeping up. Thanks....

First, she's nutz...he's never called home. Secondly, I must be missing something here..since when does everybody get together for an hour about stuff like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:56pm
I would believe they had an hour meeting, but I doubt he was the subject of it the entire time. Why didn't you go to the meeting? That part I'm not clear on. The other stuff sounds like most kids in middle school, what is it about his behavior that is so different from the rest of the kids? I'm not condoning the forgetfulness or the fact that he has to do his homework, but it sounds like you came up with the solution to have them sign the assignment book. What else could have taken up an hours worth of time because that sounds like a 5 minute conversation? Do you think he's seeking attention from others because I could say many of ds' classmates are like that. What does he have to say for himself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 3:25pm

I chose not to attend, b/c they wouldn't tell me why they called the meeting, just expected me to come in there and be ambushed is how it felt. I told the counselor and the VP on the phone that I was more than willing to meet with any teacher individually, and particularly b/c some comments I have for some teachers I'd prefer not to say in front of others...

They're definately making it out to sound like he was talked about the whole hour.

I really hate this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 3:32pm

Well its happened...he's now sitting outside the Vice P office with a referral from his Spanish teacher ...I just got this email from the counselor:

The meeting was well-attended and lasted a long time yesterday and when I get a breather I will write up my notes. There is still a decision being made on one issue. I will try to get to it today but I 'm about to do 80 minutes of supervision followed by a counseling group.

Meanwhile, Hayden is sitting outside the VP's office with a referral from his Spanish teacher (who had mentioned at the meeting that he was fully capable of doing well in Spanish).

......
I'm going crazy. Is it just me, or was that sneaky of her to say "there is still a decision being made on one issue"...and not say WHAT IT IS???? Punishing me for not attending I suppose.

I really really really am done done done with this. My phone is going to ring any minute...I'd better take some deep breaths. It been something every single day this week....!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 9:06pm
I guess I am not understanding why it is almost like your on trial!

Powered by CGISpy.com

Pages