I really need some help w/ 12 1/2 yr old

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
I really need some help w/ 12 1/2 yr old
16
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:53pm

Hi..I'm new here and looking for some input. I have a GATE 12 1/2 year old who's in 7th grade. He is having problems (more than usual) remembering things, such as writing down his assignments from the board, remembering his bus pass, remembering to bring a pencil, his agenda...stuff like that...seems minor I know...despite constant reminders he still forgets more often than not. We've used check lists, reminder notes...and none of it works long term.

Now, I've gotten a call from the school that 4 of his teachers want to meet with me about his classroom behavior, frequent trips to the nurses office and where he is academically. His 6 week progress report should be out next week and I'll be able to tell what's really going on grade-wise. He claims he hasn't been told what he's receiveing in his classes...and his test grades are pretty good (A's and B's).

When I asked him about his nurses office visits, its been 3 times in 6 weeks...2 in the last 2 weeks, for upset stomach. The nurse gave him Tums and sent him back to class. I was not called, nor did my son mention it. 2 times in English class and once in Math. Personally, I don't think this is a big deal, however I can understand how it might look to a teacher if its happened more than once. I told my son that the teacher might be thinking he doesn't want to be in class....and I asked my son what's going on..he says he's bored, this teacher hates him, he can't stand this teacher, can't stand that teacher...her voice is like nails on a chalkboard he says...and starts crying. I hate to see him unhappy,but I also don't want him copping out because he's bored or whatever. He admits to being lazy...and his constant answer is "I forgot". He says "I just can't remember".

I told him I could help him by removing the distractions at home...distractions that keep him from getting to his homework until it gets later in the evening and he's tired. Getting him to actually DO his homework is a problem, when he actually gets to it, he does it pretty fast. So for now..the TV, Computer and telephone are off limits.

So I don't know what to do with him, or what to do with these teachers who are calling me and complaining about his forgetfulness. Isn't it kind of common at this age to be going thru alot of changes in the body that might affect alot of behavior and feelings including memory? And wouldn't the teachers know this and what do they want me to do about it? One teacher sent him out to the hall to sit b/c he forgot his agenda. When she came out later and "ASKED" him if he wanted to come back in, he said no...he'd just sit there...she asked him what he wanted to do, and then complained when he chose to stay in the hall. Granted it appears defiant, but she did ask him. I would have TOLD him to come back in. He's at a stage where he takes everything you say literally, down to hair splitting which drives me crazy..but that's where he is now.

Any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 7:56am
I don't like the way they're handling this and now it sounds like they're leaving you hanging for the weekend. What issue? Why not just say, we're still thinking about how to handle xyz? I guess I just don't get what the huge deal is unless they're doing this with a whole bunch of kids. All the behaviors you mention are things I see constantly. I think I would have gone to the meeting because the curiousity would have gotten the best of me, but to expect you to go in unprepared for what you were about to hear is very unprofessional. Is this a public or private school?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 12:05pm

Its a public middle school. And since I posted that, here's what happened:

They moved him from his math class into another one where the teacher is a man, and there is no student teacher teaching the class like in the other. He attended the new class yesterday and says Mr. so and so, is really nice, I like him.

Then, the bomb. After he was kicked out of Spanish class yesterday for twidling with two little blue plastic cups after the teacher asked him to stop twice...apparently she told all the students to put their heads on their desks. Then she asked them to raise a hand if anyone thought she had been too hard on my son. Apparently, no one (dared) raise a hand and she then said "well his mommmmmmy thinks I'm being too hard on him and I should be nicer." A classmate told my son this after school. Let me tell you, when I heard this I was steaming!!!! I phoned the VP, but it was 4:30 and was only able to leave a voice message for her. I told her that I am pulling him out of spanish effectively immediately. When I got home, I responded to the counselors earlier email that they couldn't move him out of spanish until next semester b/c everyone was already in place. (I had emailed earlier a.m. to move him as I just knew the teacher was a nut). I told the counselor in the email what I'd learned and that I was sorry to put them to the trouble but I won't allow him to be subjected to that kind of hostility from a teacher. She is unprofessional and behaving badly. I don't excuse my son's behavior, but she is the adult in the equation. I mentioned I knew that she probably wouldn't get that email til Monday morning, and that I have instructed my son to go to HER office instead of Spanish class, unless of course they get it sorted out before class time.

I've slept on it, barely, I should say....it just burns me up. I received the meeting notes and she's giving him an F, says he hasnt turned in homework for the last two weeks (he says he has). She isn't responding to my emails now, so she's had it I guess. So unprofessional. I am really ticked off. Can someone explain to me how a teacher thinks they can get away with talking trash behind a kids back, and then brining his mom into it? This woman has not phoned me, and has no idea what I'm thinking!!! Did she really think no one would tell my son what she said???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 12:41pm

Oh my! I would totally freak out! Why do these things always come down on Fridays? I'm fine with the teacher move in math (as if that matters lol) In fact, if it's that the teacher doesn't know how to handle him this could be good for everyone. My son has mostly male teachers and is doing really well with them. I'm worried about the spanish, will this set him off on the wrong track down the road? If not, I'd pull him and go over her head to the principal come monday. Does he condone teachers belittling students and their mothers like that? I don't think it is ever justified to do that in class, but I doubt the principal or counselor will do anything but back her up to your face.

Keep me posted, I can't wait to hear how it all shakes down on Monday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 3:29pm

How incredibly unprofessional and I am glad you are on top of things!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 1:44pm

Oh yes, you can be sure that we've had a discussion about his behavior in school...however overwhelming consensus is that I should let school matters stay at school.

In no way do I excuse his behavior, but I can't see punishing him at home for what the school has already or IS punishing him for..i.e, detention etc. I have to admit though, I am so worked up over this spanish thing, and that the meeting they had seemed to have been complaint driver vs solution seeking that I haven't been able to let it go and am making myself crazy over it.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow at all....I just hope I can keep it together.

Wish me luck!

Thanks again for your support and viewpoint..it does help me think of all the angles.

Kimberley

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 8:16pm
Whispering loads of prayers for tomorrow Kimberley. Keep us posted on things. Big hugs too.
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