lying, obscenties for 14yo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
lying, obscenties for 14yo
6
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 1:42pm
Ok - I am pretty new to the boards - have been looking around and see some really good advice being given out...I need some.
Some background...
My 14yo stepson came to live with us about a year and 1/2 ago - his mother took him away when he was 3 and has been living in Germany...she was having problems with him and just up and sent him to us with no warning...I had never met him and his dad hadn't seen him for over 9 years...His dad works overseas so is only home for a few weeks every couple of months..and he can not think of changing jobs right now - we now have 4 children and need the income...
Stepson has seemed to be a pretty good kids and didn't really have any problems at first...must have been on good behavior...because all of a sudden he seems to be lying about even the smallest of things...and yesterday he left his school workbook on the counter and I picked it up to move it and some papers fell out - as I pick it up - yes I looked at the papers - and there were several papers with the "f... you all" written on it and another paper with the german equivilant to that and some other not very nice phrases...I realize he is a child and they experiment with this kind of stuff - but a couple of issues I have are that he has 3 younger siblings in the house and he was obviously writing it in class - which a means he wasn't paying attention and b he could've gotten expelled for....
Not sure how to handle his behavior....
ANY advice will be appreciated!
Avatar for cathiann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 3:00pm

I don't blame him for being angry at the world.

Surviving Middle & High School
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 3:18pm
You know I can kind of understand too - but he never says a bad word about her...she is perfect....and he has talked to her 3 times in 1 1/2 years and didn't send him anything for birthday or Christmas. It is not his dad's or mine and for sure not his siblings...
And if you ask him - he isn't mad - there is some other explanation for everything - he didn't know it was wrong or he forgot....
We have talked about counseling before - but I have moved to a VERY smal town and have to drive about 40 minutes to go anywhere - and have 3 younger children at home and his dad is working.
Avatar for cathiann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 3:58pm

Oh!

Surviving Middle & High School
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 4:08pm
Well I think part of it is our fault - you see his mother basically kidnapped him when he was 3 - and then she got tired of him and had trouble with him in Germany - called us and said he was on a plane and where to pick him up...the our fault part - his grandparents and really dh too though not as much - were just so glad to have him here than everyone tiptoed around him - no one wanted to make him mad - didn't want him to want to go home...and now that he is starting to show what I guess is typical teenage behavior - we are having trouble adjusting - since we haven't "grown up" with him - this is all new and quite different from my 8 yo dd...so now he seems to think that whatever he wants to do he can..and doesn't have to listen to anyone....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 6:47pm

First of all, your nearest counselor is located right in his school. If you want someone 'else' to talk to him, that's where you start.

Secondly, show him the papers and clearly and calmly explain that under no circumstances are these words acceptable. Explain that you understand people his age use these words but that he has to respect the rules of the house (don't use YOUR HOUSE or YOUR RULES). If he's going to say them at school, you can't do anything about it but he cannot be writing them on papers that come into the home. This gives him some control to use them with his friends (which he's going to do anyway) but also asserts YOUR control over the house. Before having the conversation, decide on consequences and present them to him during this conversation. You really don't want to get mad and blow up because he needs to know it's merely a cause/effect situation. Save the emotions for the big stuff!

I don't know if this will work for you, but it's exactly what I would do! It's frustrating, but in the huge scheme of things it's pretty low on the ladder!

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 8:14pm

Welcome to the board!


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