mom with tween troubles
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 11-06-2006 - 6:10pm |
Well hello everyone
I am a mother of three 12 and half, 10 and 2 year old
the first two are daughter and the last one is my son.
I have no problems with my 10 year old, she is good in school and listens and is respectful..
the problem is with my first one, i love her very much and her step dad does too, we all do, but she could care less if we do. Like i said i love her very much, she is my first born' but I dont like her, i cant stand her defiance and unruly ways, i dont like the person she is becoming, she is like the bullies i use to run away from when i was kid. Like the mean girls in Junior high who makes fun of a girl because she is wearing payless.
It is sad yes it is, I dont hit her, but I would like to whip her ass and show her that I am her mother and I am the authority, she is not doing well in school. she talks all day and doesnt keep notes nor does her hw. When i ask her if she has any she says no, which is a totally lie; and boy can she lie, a straight face liar. I sent her to live with her dad last year and it went from bad to worse, she was mean to her step mother, and told people she was 14 when she was only 12, she is not sexually active nor is doing drugs or hurting herself. I have punished her by taking away her computer and she sneaks next door to use it when she knows she is punished, when she wants something she behaves herself for a week in school. But after she gets whats she wants she goes back to her defiant ways, I told her that she will not get her flat iron back and then she gets angry, I tried to speak with her about her behavior and why she is grounded, she talks above me and walks away, something that when i did my mother beat the crap out of me, To make matters worse she is always picking on her younger sister bc we dont pick on her. I am telling you there is no favoritism, my 10 year old isnt perfect, but she does what she is told, even w/o telling her; she does her homework even when there is holiday the next day, she reads on her own and watches tv, she is a peaceful child, but my oldest thinks that when she is rewarded it is bc she is the "princess" blah blah blah, she acts like a total baby.. She gets made bc i dont let her hang out with her friends, my husband saw her walk home from school one day and she was not behaving appropately, she was running back and forth the street not looking. I mean she can hurt someone.. or cause an accident. So how am i suppose to trust her. She always wants to be in the center of attention.. wants tobe the clown. If I tell her to wash a plate she snaps at me. If i tell her to clean her room she calls me a bitch under her breath, the last time i whooped her, she threatened to call the cops. I mean she is my daugther i dont know where she got this behavior. i was never like this i am more of old school, quiet and dont mess with other people, it is embarassing to have friends with her attitude, i took her to therapy and it didnt work bc the therapist sided with her. I mean the women said that I should her color contacts, which i dont agree with, and i dare not get her a cell phone.
well i said my peace. sorry for it being soo long but i need some imput and some advise, she doesnt have none of the hhg dohg whatever medical term its called, it is just pure how we say in spanish malcriada, which is misbehaved.
thanks for listening..

Pages
Wow, you have some issues there to deal with. If I were you I would be finding another therapist. Believe me, they won't all be like that one. Therapists are like hair dressers, you have to find the one that works best with your type of hair. Or even go for yourself, to find some strategies for dealing with her. Things like sneaking next door to use the computer. When she is banned you phone the neighbor (with your DD listening beside you) and tell them that she is banned as punishment for X days and you'd appreciate if they would not let her use theirs. Maybe some ebarrassment would help. The trick is to find their collateral (I think Dr. Phil refers to it). There is something for every kid that will be their currency of punishment. For some its the computer or TV privelages, being grounded, having posssessions taken away. The trick is to figure out what it is. I think you are wise to want to stop this in its tracks because she is only 12 and it will likely get worse before it gets better.
You might also want to make an appointment with her family Dr. just to rule out any problems and things like ADHD or other physical problems. You can also get a referral from them for family counselling which is good for everyone. I think it also shows her that you are serious, that it is a problem, not just something you are going to tolerate but will solve.
Oh, as a post script, when I have to have a "talk" with my DD when her behaviour is getting out of line, I wait until she is tucked in bed, then sit beside her and proceed very calmly and quietly to state my case and what is and is not acceptable. She can't walk away and the enviroment is usually quiet and calm and she's less likely to react badly. It has worked so far because having that discussion in the heat of the moment just won't work, both sides are too charged.
Good luck and welcome to the board.
Oh boy...so sorry your having such issues in your home!
I have to say, many times I feel the same about my tween---I love her with every ounce of my being, but many times I just don't like her too much!
Powered by CGISpy.com
Thank you thank you, you advise is very helpful; but i have been there and done that with her; i mean she is very defiant. Even when you ignore her she still babbles on and on.... I have taken all her extras and the one week behaving thingy is that she does behave for a week only to get her extra back and then when she does she goes back and being her old self again. I mean she is good when it comes to tricks and deciet. She does not have adhd or any other behavorial problems, the therapist is mostly hormonal. I dont really want to look for another one, she lies too much; for example last year because i had to go to her school twice bc of her lack of homework and talkative ways, i told her i wasnt going to celebrate her birthday, no cake or anything. The following day she hit a kid at school bc her friends said he is annoying and to punch which she did also lied about being in dentention when it happened bc someone stole her gym shorts bc she was a sharing a gym locker when i told her not to. She went and told the therapist that the reason she acted like that was bc my husband didnt say happy birthday to her that day. I really dont remember if he did or didnt but the point is that she finds a way to blame others for her problems. Like now she blames me bc i am overprotective that she doesnt have a social life and and dont let her hang out with her friends is why she talks in class and doesnt do her work.. Well I told her the reason she cant hang out is because she doesnt know how to act in public and since she gets bad grades and doesnt do homework then she cant have that priveledge of going out. She gets all mad. She starts picking on her younger sister bc she has a cell phone and she doesnt, I mean her dad my husband gave her a cell phone bc she got an excellent report card and got a high 3 in her standards test. My ex gave my daughter a phone when she went to live with him, but in oneday wasted the minutes by text messaging i told her I am not wasting my money on a cell phone for you... that if her dad wants to get her one then its him who has to pay the bill. And with her behavior she isnt getting one... all this she rubs it in and eggs me on to start a fight. At the dinner table we cant have a family meal bc she is watching how her sister eats and starts making faces of disgust and telling her how to eat.. which is offensive to my husband, bc she should be looking at her plate and not at others. Then she starts a fight and walks away and ruins everyone appetites..
I know this age is rough but this girl doesnt have any cares for anyone but herself. When my husband got her a flat iron. He said that is going to take it out on her allowance, and when i took it away from her and told her that isnt gonna get is back for a long time, she answers that she wants her allowance back.. I told her that allowance is not mandatory and that he doesnt have to give her any allowance for her disrespecting the family, and further i told her that she has no care about the family only for herself, and she goes and answers "whats wrong with that?" So this girl is just plain mean and selfish, and i hope that she outgrows because if she is like that when she is older she wont be liked by anyone, including me....
well thanks for listening.
First of all - hugs to you!
I think you have a case of the "in charge child" - she sounds like she is seeking a leadership position in making decisions and I think that is where things tend to go awry - First I do want to say, that even though she is acting like it doesn't matter that you love her, trust me that it matters.
I think there is a point to reign it all in and do a "do over".
thanks for your post it helped me out so much.I printed it out and taped it in my bathroom.I will be remind of this as Samantha has her bad days.
Tammy
Tammy
Sounds to me like she needs some positive attention, or so it seems as she said she acted out because she wasn't told happy birthday on her birthday. That is pretty sad, I would be upset too (although obviously wouldn't act out in that way). Award her for the good things she does. She probably feels that although it is bad attention she is getting from you, at least it is SOME attention.
-Nikki
I know it is frusturating. And it is very difficult to even like them (at times) but you still do love them. It is so hard because they have no idea how much it hurts you for them to behave this way!
If you need to chat you can send me an e-mail. Maybe together we can find a solution! I know personally I have TRIED EVERYTHING!! scorpion.stung@sbcglobal.net
Pages