mom with tween troubles

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
mom with tween troubles
25
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 6:10pm

Well hello everyone
I am a mother of three 12 and half, 10 and 2 year old
the first two are daughter and the last one is my son.

I have no problems with my 10 year old, she is good in school and listens and is respectful..
the problem is with my first one, i love her very much and her step dad does too, we all do, but she could care less if we do. Like i said i love her very much, she is my first born' but I dont like her, i cant stand her defiance and unruly ways, i dont like the person she is becoming, she is like the bullies i use to run away from when i was kid. Like the mean girls in Junior high who makes fun of a girl because she is wearing payless.

It is sad yes it is, I dont hit her, but I would like to whip her ass and show her that I am her mother and I am the authority, she is not doing well in school. she talks all day and doesnt keep notes nor does her hw. When i ask her if she has any she says no, which is a totally lie; and boy can she lie, a straight face liar. I sent her to live with her dad last year and it went from bad to worse, she was mean to her step mother, and told people she was 14 when she was only 12, she is not sexually active nor is doing drugs or hurting herself. I have punished her by taking away her computer and she sneaks next door to use it when she knows she is punished, when she wants something she behaves herself for a week in school. But after she gets whats she wants she goes back to her defiant ways, I told her that she will not get her flat iron back and then she gets angry, I tried to speak with her about her behavior and why she is grounded, she talks above me and walks away, something that when i did my mother beat the crap out of me, To make matters worse she is always picking on her younger sister bc we dont pick on her. I am telling you there is no favoritism, my 10 year old isnt perfect, but she does what she is told, even w/o telling her; she does her homework even when there is holiday the next day, she reads on her own and watches tv, she is a peaceful child, but my oldest thinks that when she is rewarded it is bc she is the "princess" blah blah blah, she acts like a total baby.. She gets made bc i dont let her hang out with her friends, my husband saw her walk home from school one day and she was not behaving appropately, she was running back and forth the street not looking. I mean she can hurt someone.. or cause an accident. So how am i suppose to trust her. She always wants to be in the center of attention.. wants tobe the clown. If I tell her to wash a plate she snaps at me. If i tell her to clean her room she calls me a bitch under her breath, the last time i whooped her, she threatened to call the cops. I mean she is my daugther i dont know where she got this behavior. i was never like this i am more of old school, quiet and dont mess with other people, it is embarassing to have friends with her attitude, i took her to therapy and it didnt work bc the therapist sided with her. I mean the women said that I should her color contacts, which i dont agree with, and i dare not get her a cell phone.

well i said my peace. sorry for it being soo long but i need some imput and some advise, she doesnt have none of the hhg dohg whatever medical term its called, it is just pure how we say in spanish malcriada, which is misbehaved.
thanks for listening..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 5:14pm

You have to remember mom!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 1:22pm
Yes I know that it doesnt open overnite, but its been a going battle for a year.\
I took away her flat iron when i got bad news about her school work and her homework
not being done and nor her classwork.. Everyday I ask her if she has homework and she says no i dont, when i went to speak to her teachers they tell me they give out homework out everyday. Now how am I suppose to trust her when she lies to me like? So back to the flat iron. Well last nite I told her take a shower( which is another chore) she says she isnt going to wash her hair, I tell her its ok bc she doesnt need to wash it everyday.. Well she took her usual hour in the shower when she comes out her hair is totally straight and I go to look where i kept the flat iron and it was gone.. I asked her why did she take it knowing that she cannot have it. She answers "because i wanted it" that is not an answer and it is disrespectful of her to take it when i set the rules about it.. so i take the flat iron and toss it in the trash. Now i dont have to worry about it anymore.. She got angry, i said what you did was wrong and disrespectful. She just turned up her mp3 player louder and totally ignored me. She went right to bed..I know i didnt over react, what she did was wrong and it isnt the first time she does things behind my back and knowingly knows she is punished from it.. she doesnt want to learn her lesson, and my fathe in law is totally getting in between the arguments i have with her.. I tell my DH to tell his dad to mind his business, she knows she isnt suppose to get an allowance and he gives her money, that is why she has no respect and can do whatever she wants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 2:33pm

Why would you take away her flat iron for homework issues?????


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 9:46am

Do you know her password for Myspace?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 8:23am
well she isnt gonna change. she wont listen and is totally defiant. This is every fustrating and depression, My Dh cant take much of her crap either and he is about to lose it.. I talked to her father yesterday and he talked to her. I thought she had a change of heart but instead threw the dog's chew in her 10 year old sister face and hit her right in the eye, It happened last nite, i heard a scream just as put my 2 year old for bed.. my daughter had her eye swollen. I mean she said she threw it first and hit her back; but she started it by taking away her stuff dog toy that she sleeps with. She always does this to pester her sister.. Before she always took it quietly never said anything or tell. Now she has learned to defend herself. And this isnt the first time she has hit her in the face.. My DH is soo distraught and we were just talking about her. he was saying that we should take it easy and not always getting up her ass all the time.. and after a talk with her dad... nothing works, she will never change.. I told her that she isnt getting her mp3 back and she can kiss her jordons goodbye. That made her cry not the remorse of hurting her sister.. I told her that you should be looking out for younger sister and taking care of her. but instead you are just an aggressor and a bully.. I mean my Dh lost his brother and a sister 30 years ago when the bridge rope snapped and they fell. He was only nine years old he survived but lost his most precious possession.. I mean he is the youngest and they were the oldest and they always looked out for him and he is always tight with his family they all look after each other; the eldest looking out for the younger ones. He is muffled and shocked that my daughter doesnt have that humility or softness in her heart.. We are not ruthless parents/ step parent. he never favored her daughter over mine.. He loves her too, Its true when his daughter was born he went gaga like when his son was born, i dont we all googoo for newborns??? but that didnt stop him from not paying attention to my child. He always had her in his mind when he buys something its always for both. It all started to change probably in the 5 or 6th grade when i would get calls from the school about her lack of homework school work. and attitude and she was getting to old from spanking which i usually did when all else failed, and then she said she was going to the cops on me, which hurt me more than shocked, i mean i dont abuse her, i dont beat her until she is bleeding, just 3 wacks on her bottom, but she is older now so spanking doesnt work and i really dont want to whoop her like my mom did me when i went over the line and that was on ly once or twice in a lifetime as a teen i did that, bc one thing you dont do is talk back to your mom. Anyway when she is doing poorly in school we take away all her extras, no allowance, computer, no friends calling the house or coming over. things like that. Instead of improving she looks for ways to start a fight, you tell her something and she says oh yea its about me thats why. or yea if it was sarah you would get her that right? but its not true. My younger daughter is an excellent student and very respectful, so why should i punish her.. Her report card was great this first marking period. So dh says she can go to the movies. My oldest cannot bc she is grounded until her grades get back up.. I dont know if this wrong but i dont think so.. I mean I dont ask for much,, she wont even wash a plate without mumbling something bad under her breath. I mean she is the eldest why is it soo wrong for her to help me with the house hold chores.. This morning she left the clean laundry all over the floor just to look for her sweater.. and didnt even bother to pick it up. now what should i do, sometimes i want to cry but instead im just gonna take her clothes and toss on her bed so she can fold them and she can feel what it's like when she threw the laundry on the floor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 8:44am

I'm totally going on a limb - It sounds to me like she is in charge of you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 10:42am
I know what you mean and understand what you are saying.. I have been to counseling and she lies to her as well and thinks it is funny when she is asked questions about her behavior, then she asks me about my childhood which has nothing to do with my daughter, i know i know it should but it doesnt.. I had a stepmother who was very abusive and i just locked myself into my own world. I never answered back nor raised my voice, i just sat there and took it and listened.. This is different my daughter is a totally bully. I have tried many times to respond and speak to her about how she behaves in school/home. but she wont listen and just talks over me and i tell her let me finish then you can talk then she tells me to hurry up and then i understand that no matter what i say, how i say it, and how i am feeling about her attitude she just doesnt care.. She felt no remorse about throwing a rubber chew toy on her younger sister eye and made it swollen, her only response was that she is just being dramatic.. Therapy isnt the answer when it comes to her. She says she is going to behave and then does something in school that i have to be called in, which is embarrassing.. She tells me she wants her mp3 player back bc she bought it and i have no right to take it away from her. I told her i am your mother and i can take it away until you behave and do you homework, then she wanted me to pay her for throwing her flat iron away, i told her that your hair isnt all important.. she wont take a shower bc she dont want to mess up her hair and goes 3 days without showering, I tell her take a shower she says tomorrow, she is totally defiant. she gets school counseling but she just makes up stories so i can look bad and she can be the victim. i am not a victim just a parent trying to take it easy with her tween, but she makes it sound that she is deprived, that she gets nothing, that i am mean and a cheapo.. goodness i have 3 kids my dh is the only bread winner and we have expenses and all have to be divided equally, if we buy something for the baby, she says why dont i get anything? i mean come on he is only 2...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 10:44am
I took her flat iron away because she lied about not having homework when she does have homework and its not just for that one particular day, its everyday..
The flat iron is her favorite thing and by taking it away she can worry about her homework than spending more than an hour on her hair... thats why.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 10:46am
no i dont know her password she opened a hotmail account when she was in north
carolina and i dont know how to get into it i have written to myspace many times and they dont help i am going to write to them everyday until her account is deleted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 11:06am
If she goes on to Myspace a lot, she may not log out every time.