my 2 boys

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
my 2 boys
13
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 2:31pm

Yesterday I finally had enough. I am so sad/hurt/angry about what's going on at home I don't want to go home tonight from work.

Friday was report card day for both of my kids, 14 and 10yo, both boys. Last report card they both went down in all of their classes...but we still gave them an XBox 360 for a combined Christmas gift. They both "promised" to bring the grades up.

They are not allowed to play video games during the school week - only on weekends. Boy do they make up for lost gaming time! It's all they want to do.

During the week my 14yo constantly says he doesn't have any homework/upcoming tests. My 10yo does homework and studies but forgets things at school and frequently is unable to complete his assignments on time.

I honestly have had enough of constantly asking them whether or not they have homework. I'm short of calling the teachers *again* to find out when the next tests are. Maybe I'm being too hard on the 5th grader, but the 8th grader should not have to be monitored this closely. I'm ready to just let them flunk, but I really don't want them to go to summer school (esp. for the 8th grader) because it'll conflict with my work schedule.

Every minute of the weekend I scream at them. I know it doesn't help matters, but I. have. had. it. with. them. My husband tries to help, but it usually falls on me to figure out what to do about this kind of stuff. I'm so frazzled - like I need an anger management class or something.

My 8th grader got on my last nerve last night, talking back to me, yelling at me to not call the school again because it's embarassing for him....HOW EMBARASSING WILL FLUNKING 8TH GRADE BE FOR YA??? HUH??!?... he refuses to believe he can flunk...He's pulling a C- average at the moment...so yeah it can happen EASILY!

Anybody have any ideas about how I can get them to care about school? (Please don't tell me tutors...we've gone that route and in order for tutoring to work they have to do their homework and implement the tutor's ideas.)

Sorry for going on so long,
Joy (not feeling like my name today)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jtosnow
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 2:56pm

No real advice but if he thinks its embarrassing for you to CALL the school, just ask him how it will feel while you sit in class with him all day and write down his assignments. If he can not act responsible for his age (and writing down your assignments and not lying about it is not out of the control of a Grade 8) then you shall have to treat him younger and go with him to school. Book a day off work (yes, it sucks for us but such is the joy of being a parents) and walk around with him all day. After he has scooped himself up from a puddle on the floor he might just remember. I would also take away teh X-Box until you SEE the grades come up. Take it to their grandparents, a neighbor's, stick it under your desk at work but it would be gone. Yes you gave it to them and you can take it away. There is no law that says kids HAVE to have X-boxes and other treats. School is number one importance, no questions asked. I would also make an appointment for him to go WITH you to talk to the school guidance counsellor who will tell him that he very well can fail grade 8 and he is very close. (I would talk to the counsellor first and let them know this is the message he needs.)


Every now and then I would also bring up the fact that you won't be buying him the new X-box when he's 20, he'll be on his own and flipping burgers at Burger King doesn't quite allow for that kind of lifestyle. Seems like time to crack down, stop yelling though, get serious, get calm, just state your case, if X does not happen (homework completed, grades improved) Y will result. Then very calmly and matter of fact go about implementing it. May also mean taking away MP3 players, screen time, free time with friends, etc. They have to sit at the table and do something, read, work on assignments (I would secretly buy some work books so when they say "but I don't have anything to do" you whip them out.), have them work on creative writing assignments, (longhand of course) or if they really balk, sit there in silence but it is study time and they will sit there.


I know what I wrote seems harsh but assuming they have no learning disabilities that are causing these difficulties I would just calmly change your way of interacting and be firm. At first they will freak out of you don't yell back, they will be confused and not sure what is happening, but you have to be the adult, be first, be strong and don't give in. If your DH will not back you I would tell him exactly what you are going to do and he can keep his mouth shut. Don't try and override your decisions, don't side with them. If he's not going to be part of the solution, then stay out of it.


Good luck, but I don't think its too late to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
In reply to: jtosnow
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 3:42pm
I made it clear to my dd(11) that school would be done or else everything else would be taken away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: jtosnow
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 6:34pm
Hello Joy, Take away everything that is dear to them and they'll shape up in no time. :) Does the school have a website? My dd's teachers post the assignments. I know exactly what's going on in her classes. :) Good luck and please check in and tell us how things are going.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2004
In reply to: jtosnow
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 6:40pm

I am not an expert on any of this, and so far, my kids have done well in school although we have gone through the bouts of not handing in homework which they have done, but just left in the backpack or locker kind of thing.

A couple of initial suggestions:

1. Are you sure there are no developmental/learning issues at play here? Are they reading at grade level? Can they hear the teachers and see the blackboard?
2. What specifically is leading to low grades? Are they not doing assignments? Not handing in assignments (which they have done -- a specialty of my son in 7th grade), not understanding the subject matter? Understandnig the subject matter but not performing well on tests or quizzes? Take each class, and find out where the problem(s) lie.
3. Are they involved in after-school activities (sports, drama, band, clubs)? You may think that will make things worse, but getting involved can help structure their time and invests them in their schooling.
4. Implement a designated study/homework period. Say from after dinner to 9:00 p.m. During this time you and/or your husdand will be around (same room) to help with questions, quiz them to prep for tests, etc. . . There is no TV, or music during this time period.
5. Do they know how to study for tests? For example, when the teacher says there is a test next week on Chapters 1-3 what do they do to study for the test? Help with anticipating test questions. Go over homework and reading. Prepare flashcards for vocabulary/terms, practice some likely essay questions. Bascially, teach them how to study.
6. Communicate with the teachers -- email is very helpful. Lots of schools now are posting assignments and grades on secure sites. Find out the resources available, and make use of them.
7. Start talking about colleges now. Get one of those large books that are targeted to kids applying to schools and let them thumb through it. My 9th grader and his friends have all been through it -- What do I need to get into Yale, or whatever school you care to name.

Kids want to do well in school, and sometimes after a bad test, for example, it can seem like a lost cause. Start with a clean slate with a family focus on helping develop good study habits. The improvement in grades will follow.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: jtosnow
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:48pm

Ick what a frustrating situation you are in --hugs!


I agree wtih Caroline--take it all away!


In our home grades are expected---we would like B's or above and that is what we push or stress--but clearly as long as they are trying and applying themselves we will take a C here and there! Nothing under a C though!


Our kids understand this and when grades slip below what is expected--their extras are gone!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2005
In reply to: jtosnow
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 5:55am
You are absolutely right and I wish I had the follow through skills to do what you suggest. I find myself full of empty threats and I get mad at my self and even more angry with her. My DD 's grades are good but she has no work ethic and really no sense of responsibility or does she see any real consequences.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
In reply to: jtosnow
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 10:01am

Joy - I am so sorry you are dealing with this - My own kids did the same thing earlier this year - went from A/B to D/F and we're only just now seeing great ups - all of them pulled grades back up to B or higher this grading period - Some ideas that we did that might work for you -


Arrange a mass conference for your 8th grader's teachers (also have a conference with the 5th grade teacher)- Our school was GREAT about doing this with me - and they realized it was SO much easier than me trying to hit up 7 teachers.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jtosnow
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 10:06am
Totally agree with Tam!!
Surviving Middle & High School
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
In reply to: jtosnow
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 10:20am

Hi, I have two boys as well. Matthew is almost 12 and Brandon is 10. I feel your pain, I've had to deal with it with my oldest for the last year. It's so frustrating when you know they are much more capable than they act. Matthew is a very bright kid, and his test scores are off the charts. He's a gifted child yet he's so darn lazy that his grades stay

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: jtosnow
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 10:20pm

Thanks to all who responded to this post. At the time I wrote it I was very upset and couldn't think straight. Your replies helped me out considerably.

So far I've done the following things:

-I (and my dh) have had separate conversations with *both* kids concerning their attitudes towards school. We told my 14yo (Chris) that he is not only going to high school to get a diploma but to also prepare for college. (You see, the way we figure it that a college ed will never hurt him...maybe he wants to be a tradesman like his father but it'd be great to have a bachelor's degree too in case the trades are in a slump.)An education is never wasted, imho.

-The Xbox 360: Rather than taking it away entirely we are putting a time limit on weekend play and taking it away as a small punishment. For example, each time my 10 yo (Ryan) forgets something at school that week, he loses 1 day Xbox priviledges. If he forgets it more than twice a week he loses it for a month. Same goes for Chris..if he gives me a hard time and refuses to study his math/whatever, each day he refuses he loses Xbox for one weekend day...2+ times a week he loses it for a month. We have tried to take the Xbox away until next report card before and it never worked, so we are switching gears.

-14 yo: Every day we go over the previous days math page...not that days math pages because they are fresh in his head...I got mean and am making him do YESTERDAY'S homework to make sure he remembers what to do. He's not happy but too bad how sad....wow, a whole 30 minutes wasted on studying, it's a crime what I am making him go through, isn't it?

-10 yo: I haven't been able to contact his teacher yet because she's out sick. I will speak to her about his organization skills. My husband is sitting on him and his homework like I am doing with the 14yo. Tag team parenting, I guess.

-I also told Chris that if he does not pass the retake high school math test, then he *has* to go to summer school. Which he does NOT want to do.

Honestly, I so appreciated all of your responses to my dilemma. Usually I am not a wimp but both of them are having problems and it's been wearing my dh and I thin. I couldn't respond to the posts at work because I felt like crying when I read them ... and I don't want to cry at work! I'm better now :) I know I am not alone in all of this, and I thank you for being here :)

Joy

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