Need help w/my daughter-Part II..Getting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Need help w/my daughter-Part II..Getting
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 7:42am

Here is the short version. For the last 3 yrs my husband and I were vaguely acquainted with a young man living in our town. He is a performer, and very kind and sweet. Last year my 10 year old daughter decided she really liked him and since then he has gone to dinner with our family a few times, a movie here and there, etc. Do not even raise an eyebrow, because she is never alone with him and never will be. We only socialize as family. His own family lives thousands of miles away.

About 9 months ago my daughter asked for his e-mail, phone #, and other info which he willingly gave. This was OK for a while, but this is a young man who is VERY focused on his career and nothing else. Although he professes to love our family and care about my daughter, things get very sticky when he CANNOT answer e-mails and does not respond to phone calls. This is never about her...only about how busy he is. But her feelings get hurrt. Then I feel llike a bad mom because I have "allowed" (?) things to evolve this way.

It's been a bad two weeks, because he is making great inroads in the music industry. My daughter is feeling very hurt and ignored. Actually, last week I even called him and said,"Should I tell her to back off a bit? Are you too busy for this?" He assured me that he wanted to be friends "forever" and he would make it up to her.

Last night she waited for him on line and when he arrived he was very preoccupied with stuff from work and she was upset because he hardly chatted, even when she wished him luck at his next gig, etc. I CAN DEAL WITH HER...I CAN ALWAYS COVER AND SAY "HE WAS JUST BUSY...DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY", but last night I found I was the one taking it personally...I guess because I have given him so many oppportunities to bow out gracefully, and he's assured me he will always have time for her.

My daughter would rather accept his "crumbs' and roll w/the disappointments than totally lose his friendship. She loves him as a big brother. WHAT SHOULD I DO? After last night I wrote him a letter saying all the things I said here, but I am afraid that if I give it to him, my daughter will lose her friend and be devastated. HELP!



All kinds of good advice followed. (Thanks everyone) Well, this weekend the young man had been scheduled to have dinner with us. Planned weeked ago. He came , ate ,played board games with my daughter, and received a very amazing handmade gift she made him. When he left he said to her, "Please e-mail me those photos ( of the gift and of the two of them) so I can e-mail them to my mom!"

My daughter sent them immediately after he left, along with an e-mail containing ONE question she forgot to ask him before he left. It is now 3 days later and he has not answered...We are back to square one around here. She understands what I say to her (IN HER HEAD) but her feelings are still getting hurt. OH...and I did NOT give him the letter because some of you advised me not to.

What now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 1:32pm

(((Hugs))) to your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 4:10pm

Does your DD play any sports or is she involved in any activities?????

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