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Need Immediate Help!
| Wed, 07-16-2003 - 11:37am |
My 10 year old niece spent the night last night, and is asking me questions about sex and religion. I called her mom to see how she wanted me to handle the questions, and she told me to use my judgement. Not very helpful! Now, my niece was molested when she was four, but she doesn't remember any of it. So, her mom told her about it! Also, her mom was molested several times as a child, and even told my niece about that! I have answered her honestly, giving bits of info at a time, and letting her ask for more info if she seems to want more; but the questions and comments are completely blowing me away. My oldest is five and I am not prepared for this! She seems to have access to information that she is way too young for. One minute she amazes me with what she says and thinks of, then the next she is very immature and actually "baby talks." Is this normal for her age? She is very intelligent and articulate, but almost seems to have two personalities! How much information is appropriate at this age regarding sex and religion? She says things like "I don't know if I believe in Christianity, I'm not sure what I believe in yet," and that she is developing (is 10 early), and makes comments about her dad's "magazines." I can handle questions about periods and boys, but I don't know what to say when she brings up her mom's childhood. Should I approach her mom about it? I am glad my niece trusts me, and I want her to always be able to come to me if she feels she can't go to her mom, but I don't know what is appropriate or not. Thank you for any and all advice!
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When you talk to your sister, I would approach the discussion from the standpoint of the two of you teaming up to help your niece. I think that it would be important to stress that you aren't judging what's being said and done around her home; that your only concern is helping your niece and that you wanted to brainstorm about the ways this could be done.
Good luck!!
Best Always,
Sherrie
Sherrie![Rainbow]()
Welcome to our board. I'm glad you found us for your own issue, and I appreciate your thoughtful posts to others.
Janet
co-cl
Janet
In your shoes, I would definitely talk to her mother about how questions regarding mom's past should be dealt with - since that can be such a touchy area. As for the rest, if her mom trusts your judgement, perhaps you should too ;-).
From what you wrote, I think you're doing a wonderful job with her. Some children, by virtue of their life experiences, can be more mature than others in their age group at times. My son had some harrowing experiences before he came to us at 5½ - I'm amazed at his maturity and depth of understanding . . . sometimes. He seems to transform from talking and acting like a 21 year old to behaving more like his 2½ year old brother (yes, I'm exaggerating a bit, but not much). Your niece sounds similar to my son and probably for the same type of reason - she's been through a lot. So, in my opinion - based on my experiences with Sean- I'd say it *is* normal. Sean asks questions about religion that completely knock me over. He is exploring his feelings and we talk about it. As for sex, we started discussing sex in general terms when I was pregnant with Scott. It seemed like a natural opening to the discussion and we wanted to let Sean know that the curiosity, confusion etc were normal and that he could ask questions about it. Though, most of our more recent sex discussions have been correcting things he heard from playground 'experts'.
You asked 'How much is too much information?' I really don't know - I've always pretty much felt that it's only too much if the child isn't able to process it and make it make sense to themselves. My usual course of action is to lay out the basic information and then see where the questions lead us - much as you described in your handling of your niece's questions. By doing this, I think that we go where he wants us to go, and we don't go into things that he isn't ready for yet.
I wish you luck, she's dealing with some tough issues and she'll need wonderful support people like you in her life.
Best Always,
Sherrie
co-cl
Sherrie![Rainbow]()