Need some advice on preteen ds.........m

Avatar for amyteddie
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Need some advice on preteen ds.........m
2
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 6:51pm
Zachary and his younger brother have always gotten along pretty well but lately I have notice Zachary doesn`t want to play with Timothy as much. He likes to call his friends on the phone and sometimes they will come over (the ones that live nearby) I have never made Zachary play with Timothy because I think they each need their space. But Timothy is afraid Zachary is mad at him and keeps asking him What did I do? I think Zachary is just wanting some time alone ( in this small house there is not much room for privacy) and with the weather being more rainy than sunny this Spring I think alot of the having to stay in is getting to Zach. My question is do you notice this need for privacy more with your ds or dd at this age and how am I handling it? Do you think I need to get Zachary to spend more time with his brother or just let him decide when he wants to play with him? They will be at separate schools for the first time next yr when Zach goes to middle school and I think that it would be good if they could play and get along well this summer but Timothy is going to scholar`s camp next week and Zach is going to basketball camp in July so they are developing different interests. I would just like to know how you handled this when it came up? The younger brother is getting his feelings hurt and I am trying to tell him he is going to have to make friends of his own. Timothy is very shy and has relied on Zach alot in the past and I guess it is time for the growing pains to start for him to UGH they grow up too fast!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 2:16pm
I wouldn't force him to spend time with the younger one but I would have a talk with him. I would explain that I understand his new need for privacy and that you understand that at times having his younger brother around is annoying. Explain how much the younger one looks up to him and enjoys him and that he is shy so it's going to take some time and patience on his part until his brother can make some friends of his own. Then I would ask, not demand, that he find a little time each day for his younger brother. Even just 30 minutes after school or after dinner, etc. They could play a board game, watch a tv show, etc. Brainstorm with him about ways and times that he could fit his brother in.

Then I would have the same talk with the younger one. Explain that the older one is growing up and at his age needs a little privacy. That he loves his brother and does want to spend time with him, but that he needs to have his privacy respected too. Then have him come up with ways that he can spend time with his brother, but not infringe on his privacy. Can they work it out so that they play a board game each evening right before bed? Or ride bikes for an hour on Saturday morning?

My kids are 4 years apart, and a boy and a girl, so we have major privacy issues going on here LOL. To the point that at times Brooke won't let Tyler in the bathroom to get his toothbrush even if she is doing nothing more than brushing her hair LOL. She is really pretty good about playing with him, but on her schedule. I never force her to play with Tyler but at times I do prod a little LOL. I choose my times according to her mood. If she is in a good mood and just saying no to annoy him I will catch her in another room, remind her that he is smaller and not as good at playing by himself as she is and if she doesn't mind could she play with him for 15 minutes. I tell her that after 15 minutes I will catch her attention and nod and she can go on and do her own thing. She knows she can always say no and I will never be mad and at times she does say no. Usually just 10 or 15 minutes and Tyler is happy and she can go on.

This is a tricky thing. The older one needs some privacy, but they shouldn't be allowed to force the little one totally out and make them feel bad. And the little one has to somehow be made to understand that the older one NEEDS privacy at times.

Sherri

Avatar for cl_janetlh
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 7:50pm
Hugs for Timothy! Hopefully, Z will pass out of this phase soon. It doesn't surprise me that his interests are changing, and I think if you explain to T that Z is getting older and has other interests, that kids Z's age need "space" and that he shouldn't take it personally, perhaps he'll feel less hurt. You can also explain to Z that T's feelings are hurt, and that while you understand his interests are changing and he wants to spend more time with friends his own age, his brother would appreciate some attention, too. IMHO, I wouldn't force or push Z too hard, or he might rebel about the whole thing. Just talk to each one quietly and honestly, and hopefully Z will meet his brother halfway.

I don't have children of different ages as you do, but Sam and Rachel are spending less time together, and their interests and friends are growing further apart.

Janet

Janet


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