Neighborhood Issue
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 07-07-2007 - 2:55pm |
This is my first time posting to this board, I usually read/post to the teen board. We have a neighborhood issue that I'm not sure how to handle. It's a fairly long story so I'm just going to shorten as much as possible.
We had a neighbor come to our house and yell at my ds(11) and two of his friends (they also live in our neighborhood). It was kid stuff, they didn't want to play with his dd. Keep in mind the neighbor also has a ds my ds's age. My opinion is that kids need to learn to work out their differences on their own. If it's a safety issue or physical issue of course the parents need to be involved. My dh went out there because our ds came in very upset saying the neighbor wanted his parents out there. The neighbor then started in on our ds about his behavior and attitude. I'm not saying my son is an angel by any means but he's a pretty good kid. We have several neighbors who often call for him to come over because he's so easy and seems to help their kids get along better. They've even told me they feel like they are "using" him. After the neighbor started yelling at our ds my dh said maybe your ds shouldn't come over to play anymore. The neighbor said "fine, he won't" and left yelling at the other kids. My dh said the look in his eyes, the way he was yelling and pointing his finger was unbelievable.
I've talked to the other kids' parents involved and we are all left wondering what is going on here. All three kids have the same story and there's no way they could have come up with it within the 30 seconds the neighbors dd left and he came over.
Here's my problem I don't want his ds here anymore yet I feel sorry him because no one else in the neighborhood plays with him. I have a feeling the neighbor thinks this will all blow over and his ds will start coming over again. I don't want to be mean and tell his ds to leave when he comes over but I don't think I have any choice. I'm not sure what will set this neighbor off again. How do I tactfully say unfortunately you're not welcome here anymore? I've never told a child they weren't welcome at my home before. If there were kids I wasn't sure about I would sit outside with them just to make sure it was all okay. I don't like the idea of turning a child away, in fact it makes me sad to think about it.
Any advice would be more than welcome and appreciated!!

Wow, tough situation. You don't want to punish the kid because his Dad is a weenie. How much time has passed? I would likely give it a try again. (I know our kids are much more willing to forgive than we adults tend to be.) But if there is another incident I would step in and confront the father and child together and forbid the contact. Is there a mother involved? Does she seem normal? Maybe he was just having some kind of a crisis day and whatever happened with the DD just tipped him over the edge. Maybe he's embarrassed by his behaviour but ashamed to say anything and hope it will blow over. I like to give people a second chance but if he ever blew it again, that would be it. I'd be making sure his wife knows WHY the kid is not allowed over. You can't risk exposing your kids to an out of control adult. But since your heart is steering you that way, I'd let the kid come over but be keeping a keen eye out a few times to make sure nothing goes off the rails.
Good luck and welcome to our board. I think you'll find lots of super ladies here who have terrific advice.
When parents act like fools (as this parent did) I usually make assumptions...that it's really not about the situation that took place, that the parent may have displaced aggression (and the *real* problem has nothing to do with your son, his son, or any of the other children, but the kids and their praents were the target) or perhaps the parent was drunk! The reality is you will never know what set him off, but you know it has nothing to do with your son and his friends.
I would welcome the other child into my home to play with my kids, but I would be very leary about my kids going to the other families house. That other parent would have to earn back my trust by behaving like a normal adult before I'd allow my kids there. I don't see any reason to punish his son, who didn't do anything wrong, and isn't to blame for his father's foolish actions.
Lynn
First, don't let the kids be punished because the father is a toad. But I would be guarded, not let my child around his house, and I'd maybe have that child over ONLY if I had another adult around as a witness--and keep the kids in view.
I remember a neighbor doing this to me as a child. She called me in, and yelled at me for not playing nice with her DD. I wasn't doing ANYTHING to her DD--it was another girl. Her kids tormented me and my brother, but no one could say "boo" to her kid. Never told my parents about it at that time--years later, when my brother was getting crap, I did finally say something and my parents went ballistic. They believed my brother and I and finally said--no, they can't come here anymore.
If this father continues--sorry, the kids can't play together anymore. End of story.
Thanks to all of you for replying and offering advice. My dh thinks the dad needs to apologize to the kids but I have a feeling that will never happen. My ds and the other kids were upset for hours that night because none of them had ever been yelled at "with that much anger" (their words) before. I'm sure though the other kids involved and mine have been yelled at before though. There is a mom (super sweet) involved but I'm uncomfortable discussing her dh's behavior with her. I don't want to cause issues between them. KWIM?? The dad seems to me to be high strung and extremely competitive. Somewhat living though his kids.
I'm thinking if his ds comes over I will go outside while they play and supervise every minute of it. I'm not going to have him come into the house at this point. I definitely will not be letting my ds go to their house. He's only been over there a few times before anyway (outside only, never invited inside), the kids usually play at our house.
Thanks again for all your input - I greatly appreciate it!
I agree that I wouldn't send my child(ren) to this man's house to play with his kids, but I might be okay with letting the boy play at my house, if DS still wants him to.
I have a problem with someone else yelling at my kids.
<CENTER><A href="http://www.youngsurvival.org/"><IMG src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y23/jennt1111/mindy2.jpg"></A>
Oh I am so sorry for your situation---kudos to you for keeping your cool toward this jack ass.
Powered by CGISpy.com
Mindy and Laura -
Thanks for your support. This is a tough issue for us. Another mom whose son got yelled at that night called me yesterday because the neighbor yelled at her daughter for walking in his lawn???? She called him up and he had multiple excuses, stress, etc. He even told her "sadly, (my son's name) had nothing to do with the issue the other night" She said he appeared not to remember everything he said. I haven't really had issues with his child, he can be a smart mouth and a big trash talker (anything you can do he can do better) but I try to overlook it. I'll give it a little more time and see what happens. I think the dad has a short fuse and needs to learn how to control his temper.
Thanks again!