New here. My 12 y.o. is making me crazy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
New here. My 12 y.o. is making me crazy!
9
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 10:12pm
I have a 12 y.o. son that is driving me up a wall! He is in the 6th grade (almost done w/ it, may 22) and he is so mouthy, backtalk, crooked looks, getting in trouble with school, talking out, class clown, yesterday got in an arranged school fight and the cops showed up at my house! I'm at my wits end. Seriously. I have 4 kids, so it doesn't make life easy. HELP! I told him he will prob'ly go live with his dad for the summer (who is about 20 minutes away from me). and he didn't like that too much. I cannot deal with it! I'm a horrible mom. I feel awful. How did I raise such a kid! He's a straight A student too. On student council. What gives! ? Ideas? Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 11:58pm

First of all, welcome. I just joined recently and these ladies are wonderful.


Second, I am sorry for what your 12 yo is putting you through. My 10 yo is at the other end of that. Bad grades in school, ADHD so he can't sit still, disruptive in class, won't do his homework (he is still up now 9:50pm MST and still working on homework from Tuesday). I would love to send him to live with his dad but his dad lets him get away with everything. And that is what my son would want because his dad is trying to make my son like him so he will want to live with him instead of me. They are like buddy-buddy. I really feel for you. I hope you can figure out something that will work for you soon. Sending you tons of {{{HUGS}}}. You are welcome to talk if you need to. I wish I could help you out.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 6:30am

Welcome. I'm going to ask a few questions to try and be more constructive with my advice.

First, how long has it been going on? Have there been upheavals/friend/school changes? Could there be any bullying going on that he is hiding with bravado?
Next, what are the consequences for the behaviors? Are they enforced or do they change depending on your mood?
And finally, Is there any way to avoid going to live with dad for the summer if it's making you and your son feel bad?

I'm sorry I've left you with a load of questions but sometimes I find that as I start to answer the questions(I will sit and do this with myself quite frequently when I have problems with my kids) I can see something I missed before or based on the answers I give someone will suggest what's worked for them.
And (((hugs))) you aren't a bad mother!! If you were you wouldn't be asking for suggestions and you wouldn't care about what he did

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 9:34am
This has been going on most of his life, just getting worse. Meaning, he has always struggled with talking back, talking out , and now disrepecting adults and teachers, etc. He doesn't want to go to his dads. Well I think he thinks he does, but quickly gave me a crooked look when I mentioned it, because he doesn't really think I'll do it first of all, and secondly he would be by himself during the day since his dad works all day long. He didn't like that idea either, neither do i really. I have consequences for him, mostly taking away his 'toys' like video games and computer time, etc. That used to work. I'm not sure what's next. I think at 12 putting him in his room is extreme. When he was 2 y.o. his pediatrician said that he was very active and is gonna 'rock my world', but as long as he's doing well in school not to medicate him. Well he's getting straight A's, so my ex doesn't think he's doing badly. Well socially I think he's a mess in school. and I believe something needs to be done b4 going to junior high next year. But since his dad doesn't deal with him 24-7 he really doesn't think it's that big of a deal. I am so sad over this, as he fought that kid the other day and the kid was very hurt. Does my son have no sense of others? No remorse? He acts like he's not even sorry for what he did. I didn't raise him like this. I want him to go to church or something. He says he doesn't believe in God. Omgosh! Ok, that's all for now. I'm getting upset again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 10:33am
take heart. Breathe deeply this is kind of normal. start by being consistent and take away things, the things he does, uses and expects........ you can show this as an example to the younger ones too. Be strong you can do this.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 11:53am

Hi and welcome. Sorry you had to find our board under such difficult circumstances. Does his school

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 1:06pm
(Hugs), what a tough time for all of you. In addition to the advice you are getting -- especially about getting him some outside help -- I would add that he needs some positive attention, too. Be sure to try to "catch him doing something right" as often as you can and give him attention for that. Obviously that is an oversimplified answer to your problem; you definitely need to take some "real" action now before it goes any further. But even as you are disciplining him, he needs to know you are not giving up on him and you believe that deep down he is a good person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 1:36pm
Firstly, I'm sorry my questions started you feeling upset again. That was never my intention.

If it has been a whole life thing then it may be the time to ask for outside help. You have done so well up till now in dealing with it but if it's starting to escalate then this is the time to try something different. He sounds a very bright boy and with that may come boredom in school so it could be why he backtalks and gets in fights for the thrill/risk buzz of it. I agree with the other ladies here that outside help might be the way to go as this is affecting your whole family and making it difficult to do things with or focus on the others I'd imagine. I have a very challenging 6 yo dd and 3 other children as well and life becomes one long juggling act to try and divide myself and still keep th behaviors in check.
The other board you might want to ask on is the spirited/high needs child one. The cl there is a font of knowledge on behaviorally challenging children. Here's a link http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psspirited
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 1:47pm

All great points.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 1:54pm

Well socially I think he's a mess in school. and I believe something needs to be done b4 going to junior high next year.


Reading your post, this was actually going to be my first question... Is next year his first year of Junior High School.