New here, running out of solutions
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| Tue, 03-18-2008 - 10:09pm |
Hi All,
I'm a first time poster and turned found this board while seeking out a forum to discuss a problem I'm havng with my tween (just turned 11). Any helpful comments would be greatly appreciated.
The recurring scenario:
I've been with my current husband since my daughter was about 2. Even at age two she had issues with adjusting to the presence of her now stepdad. At that time I thought these things were typical and always had tactful ways of addressing them.
My husband and I currently have a 4 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. For about the past 2 years my 11 y.o. seems obsessed with impeding on our sex lives. We do not openly display sexual comments or gestures toward one another. Rather we save it for behind closed doors. In the beginning she would make frequent trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night and stop and knock on the door to ask extremely random questions. I kind of suspected what she was doing but did the wrong thing and ignored it. At one point her knock became deliberately loud and imposing and I started to realize that she was even listening at our bedroom door. At that point we had to have a talk about man-woman relationships and I thought that we had a very open and candid discussion.
The behavior waned for awhile but has picked up more frequently now. At one point at about 3 a.m. she banged on the door and yelled "would you two just stop it!!" We are not loud in our encounters (perhaps that was TMI) but she actually has an ear to the door and is putting two and two together. She can kind of suspect when we may "be together" because both he and I have awkward schedules and only sleep in the same bed 2 nights a week. Does anyone else have this problem? I was never prepared for my daughter to be this involved in my sex life? I don't recall ever even thinking about what my mother and step dad were doing behind closed doors. I don't get what's driving her obsession. Our talks are going nowhere and she is clearly very emotional about the topic. Any advice here?

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Ugh... Well, I can tell you that when I was about 10 I figured out what my parents were doing in their room when the door was closed at night and I also tried to stop it from happening! I remember falling out of bed on purpose, making noisy trips to the bathroom, whatever... Never going so far as to knock on their door or listen, mind you, but the point is, I think there is something really disturbing to a child this age about the thought of their parents actually having sex. I think a part of me wanted reassurance that they would pick ME over each other if I needed them in the middle of the night, and another part of me just still found the whole idea of sex completely disgusting and I hated knowing that my parents would actually engage in it...
So, no real solution, but maybe a little perspective. I think you've got to find a way to have more privacy; she should NOT be able to tell what you are doing in there!!!! If my parents had just kept their door closed every time they went to sleep, rather than just when they wanted to have sex, I never would have thought about it.
Welcome to the board.
I would have to say i am sure its not uncommon. However maybe someone outside the house hold can help. Maybe talking to a therapist about it might make her feel more comfortable. Best of Luck. I am sure its got to be disturbing in any situation.
If all else fails use the "mom authority" approach.....it works with my dd. You are an adult and what you say goes. Rules are there for a reason and she is maybe not to get out of bed at night for any reason. or Just ignore her.... she needs to get that picture. good luck.
Thanks so much for your input.
Lilacgirl, RE closing the door, I always sleep with my door closed but lock it in those instances (b/c our 4 y.o. is not very good at knocking).
I just remembered a conversation I had with my son when he was 10 and just learning about the birds & the bees. He could not fathom anyone wanting to do such a thing -- couldn't believe that people had more than one child, because it meant they had to have sex more than once -- and when he figured out people didn't only do it to make babies, he wanted to know how often *we* did such a thing... He did not accept the "None of your business" reply, so I ended up telling him something like "Only on special occasions." ;-) He said, "Then next Christmas Eve I'm going to stay awake until you go to bed and make sure you don't do that."
So, I think it really is common for kids to be bothered by the idea; but it sounds like your daughter is taking it to the extreme, even to the point of obsessing about it. I feel bad for her, that it is upsetting her to the point of tears... But I feel worse for you!!