Our 13 year old girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Our 13 year old girl
11
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 7:55pm
Please pardon the name...I originally posted in the dog training forum looking for advice on that. Here's my new dillema.
My husband and I have 4 girls - twin 18yr olds who just moved out, a 13 yr old and a 10 yr old. Our problem is with the 13 yr old.
Two years ago, we made the mistake of buying each of our kids their own computers for Christmas. Since then we've realized what a bad idea that was. Not so much for the other 3, but it seems to have taken over Heather's life. She would be on it 24/7 if we let her. We do monitor the sites she goes on and so far nothing seems to be innappropriate (sp?) but the problem is that the computer seems to be the only thing she cares about. She doesn't care about her appearance. To get her to shower even once a week is a battle, she doesn't brush her hair unless we tell her over and over again to do so, never brushes her teeth, and wears the same clothes day after day until we tell her she has to change them. As far as friends go, she's got a few girls that she hangs out with at school but could care less whether she sees them any other time. In fact, she has much more fun playing with her little sister and her 10yr old friends. We have taken away Heather's computer on numerous occasions. Sometimes just to try to get her to find another interest and many times to discipline her for something. The next thing we know, she's on her sister's computer. We don't want to take away her sister's computer because that wouldn't be fair to her sister. We tell her all the time that she's not aloud on ours, but we find her on it again and again. There seems to be no other way to discipline this child! We can't take away anything she cares about because the only thing she cares about is her computer. Her room's a complete mess - boardering on a fire hazard - but she just will not clean it. What are we supposed to do???????? We feel like we're at a stand still with her and I've gotten to the point where I'm completely at a loss. I'd make her get a job if I could but there's no way any employer would hire her at her level of maturity. I hope this doesn't make me sound like an uncaring, mean mom. I'm just frazzled and worried that nothing will change and I don't know where to turn for help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 8:05pm
take the computer out of her room until she improves her hygiene and does something other then stay on the computer. Do you have a YMCA where you live? Maybe sign her up for a class. Good luck - Sorry I'm not much help.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 8:16pm

Yeah, I'd crack down. Showers are not optional. My DD doesn't always think

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 8:17pm
Please don't apologize. Any advice is good advice at this point. We have done your first suggestion - many, many times and it never works. She just goes to her sister's computer or ours when we're not looking. We don't have a YMCA but there are alot of summer programs in town that are all advertised in a community magazine. I've told her over and over again to sit down with it and find something that she would be interested in but once again....she's not interested. And now, most of these programs are full. I hope you can see where I'm ready to pull my hair out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 8:53pm
Can you password the computers so only you and dh know the passwords? That way both girls have to be logged on by you or dh and 13 yo. cannot harrass 10yo. to tell her password because she will know that the 10 yo. doesn't know it. Clear as mud? LOL
Linda
mom to Alex(13),Rachel(11),Matthew(9)

Linda
mom to
Alex (16), Rachel (14), Matthew (12)


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 9:54pm
Thanks Kristen's Mom and Linda (my name too! :) ) The password idea sounds like a plan. And we will continue to perservere with the tough love - it's just that after a while it seems like that's all we do and I'm soooooooo tired of the constant tension over it all. I would so love to have time with my kids to go shopping or something instead of battling with them over these things. I do appreciate everybody's help. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 11:12pm
you can assign her a log on the other computers. She can access them w/o the log on. I'd do that.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 11:50pm

First of all either rip the power cords off of ALL computers or install the passwords! Instead of punishing her by taking them away, reward good behavior with time on the computer. Since its summer and she's totally addicted, ration about 1.2 to 2 hours twice a day (you don't want to send her into SHOCK) but she has to earn it...showering, changing clothes, cleaning her room, etc. Perhaps making a chart that she has to tick off what she's done with a time allotment for each thing done without a battle!

You can also buy educational software...1 hour of learning earns one hour of playtime. If you can't get her into classes at least she'll be doing something! Check out bright minds online, they have tons of great software! Will she read the new Harry Potter book? That might get her offline for a while!

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 11:51pm

welcome!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 1:25am
You people are amazing! I'm going to take all your advice into account, mention it all to my hubby and go from there. Thanks again for all your help. You've made me feel like there might be hope afterall. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 8:04am

I would determine exactly what it is your wish your dd to do on the computer.

In our home the computer is a tool, not a toy. Our 13 year old ds uses it for homework, research, email and web work (he's Webmaster for one volunteer programs he is involved in). We do not allow computer games, myspace or IM. Our son is also not allowed to do anything on the computer without asking permission to go on it first and I must be told why he wishes to go on it. (email, research, homework, looking up sheetmusic, Itunes downloads etc..).

Showering and laundry is not an option in our home. Showers are taken every night before going to bed and clothing is laundry is done every three days. (ds does his own). We require that he strip his bed once per week. Toothbrushing is done after every meal and snack (ds has braces). These are not optional activities.

Keeping his room picked up can be a challenge because ds has minimal storage, a very small room 9x10 and too much stuff. We had to convert his closet into a desk area because we couldn't fit a desk in his room, so we are maximizing his space. However, his bed is always made, dirty clothes are always in the hamper and food is not allowed out of our kitchen, so there is not wrappers or dirty dishes to deal with and his floor is clear of clutter. He also dusts his room every few days and I usually run the vaccuum through his room when I'm doing the other bedrooms. That said, I do need to get on my son about once a week to pick up his room, but he gives me no trouble about it.

It sounds like you need to take the control in her situation. If it were me I'd take some drastic measures and start with her room. Empty it. Get everything out of the room. Wash down the walls, do a fresh coat of paint, wash the windows and window treatments and return to her three things. Her bed, Dresser and desk. For the Dresser give her only enough clothing to get through one week. No more, no less. On her dresser allow an alarm clock and one family photo. Store the rest of her things elsewhere. Desk. One box of pencils, one ruler, calculator, colored pencils for drawing, some lined paper and some white paper for drawing. Nothing more. She now needs to keep the room clean, dusted, vacuumed and picked up, bed made etc.. in order to earn back her 'stuff". This includes stereo, music, ipod, books etc... Don't be afraid to pack up stuff and put into storage or to throw stuff out. Kids don't need a lot of stuff.

Computer time must be earned and you need to be in control as to when your kids are allowed on the computer and what they are using it for. Use password protection to keep her off your computer and have move her sisters computer into a common area so you will know if your dd is on it. Also use a password protect on the sisters computer. Granted she'll also have to ask to use the computer as she'll need you to sign her on, but this will keep Heather from getting on whenever she wants.

I'd also insist that the following be done daily before any other activity. Make bed, pick up room, shower and get dressed, brush teeth and hair, clear breakfast dishes to sink, bring all dirty clothes down to the laundry room area on laundry days. On non laundry days all dirty clothes must be put into the laundry basket. Dirty clothes being taken out of basket to be worn again will result in the clothing item being confiscated. (since she has a minimal amount of clothing to choose from, she will not want her choices to be cut back further). After a month of her being good about laundry, you can add a new outfit or clothing item each week and so long as she continues to be responsible she'll eventually earn back her wardrobe.

JMO
stacy

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