parenting styles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
parenting styles
6
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 10:01am

 

When my dd (12) has a friend come with us (dd & I)  to anything, I find her friends attitude a bit disturbing to me.   My dd says it's because I'm "strict" that none of her friends wants to come over anymore.  Maybe it is me but I wanted your views on these examples:

1 )Freind #1 calls to see when we are coming to pick her up (my dd relay a  message from her cell).  We are running late so we tell her we are leaving now.  We live in the same neighborhood  so we arrive there in less than 5 min.  We get there and as always, my dd has to go get out to ring her door to get her.  I find it disturbing that if her friend is so impatient and calling , that I figured she would be outside waiting for us or at least peaking out the window to see when we drive up and save us the time to go get her. 

2) Friend #2 spent the night and the next morning she made omelet.  The next day, friend #1 spends the night and I ask if they could make breakfast that morning.  Apparently not.    My dd followed her attitude which I was not happy about.  Why I ask myself does my dd follow her friend's negative attitude.  It must be me or is it?  She  made omelets with friend #2.  I find that my dd is a better person when she's with friend #2 than #1.  My dd says I don't like her friend #1, which she maybe right. 

Does anybody have any insight or experience with your childrren liking a friend that you don't particularly don't like.  Friend #1 is not particularly a bad kid, it's just the little things I notice.  She doesn't remember or say "Thank you" .  She's slow to react when I tell them "come on"  or it's something they don't want to do. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 10:26am

It sounds like you are over reacting to very minor things.  I could see if you don't like a friend cause they are rude, swearing (or later in high school, I'm sure this will come--drinking, using drugs, smoking cigarettes), but I wouldn't expect anyone to be standing outside waiting for me to drive up and if one of my DD's friends slept over (and many of them did back in the day) I wouldn't ask them to make breakfast.  Not to say that I always made breakfast--maybe they just had cereal or a bagel.  I'm sure over the years that there were some friends that i cared for less than others, but I would try to keep my mouth shut about it unless the person was doing something harmful--at that age, they change friends a lot unless it's the best friend.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 10:59am
Hi there! I agree it does simply sound like a difference in parenting styles. It doesn't mean you are "stricter" than other parents, but that you have different expectations for your kids than other parents do. You can't expect other people's kids to do and act the same as your child, or even know what your expectations are unless they are a constant fixture in your household. If they are at your house quite a bit some things they may pick up on and adjust their behavior a bit to accommodate that at your house, certain house rules like not going into the fridge without asking, taking their shoes off in the entry way, etc. but that is more of a common courtesy. My ODD has a BFF that has what I would consider "stricter" parents, and her mother would always walk out to the car with her daughter if we were picking her up for something if we didn't come up to the door to knock for her until a year or two ago, and that was just because the parents made sure that they knew the other parents of the kids their's were getting together with, etc. It is hard when your DD acts one way with one friend and another way with another friend, but that's just the age, they begin doing more and being more aware of what their friends are doing.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 3:01pm

I agree with Music.  I'm one of the most demanding parents I know, and I wouldn't expect a kid to be waiting for me or to make breakfast after a sleepover unless they wanted to. 

OTOH I do know what you mean about some kids bringing out the worst in your child.  We stopped visiting friends after my kids became rude and demanding after every visit to their house, because *their* kids were rude and demanding while the parents (my friends) catered to their every whim and were unfailingly polite (instead of sometimes telling their kids where to get off).  You can try to nip this in the bud by pointing out good qualities in the Friend #2 while refraining from making any comments about Friend #1 unless you need to specifically stop a certain behavior, or by commenting how well your DD and Friend #2 get along.  But do remember that they are sorting a lot of things about friends and friendship at this age, and you're better off talking about qualities of *people* and *friendship* in general than criticizing individual friends.

Avatar for bradleyteach
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 5:01pm

I also think that you may be over reacting to things that aren't a big deal.  Maybe the girl who was so anxious to get picked up has parents who require that someone come to the door and get her.  Just because one friend made their own breakfast does not mean that the other will.  Now, unless it's a slumber party, I am not a short order cook.  I would tell kid and friend to help themselves to cereal or toaster waffles.  Not saying thank you would annoy me, but it's possible that her own parents are lax about manners and that's not reallly her fault.  I would try to avoid comparing friends.  Friend #2 doesn't know there's a competition and isn't trying or required to measure up to friend #1.  If your daughter is telling you that you are so strict that her friends are not comfortable around you and don't want to come over anymore, I'd give this some serious thought. Also remember that your DD is getting older - my oldest will be a senior in HS - and she'll have varied friends and you WANT her friends at your house. Trust me.  It's always preferable that they hang out at your house, under your watchful eye, if they're willing. You WANT to be the cool house that everyone wants to hang out at, not the house that the teens avoid.  Choose your battles. It's one thing to banish a friend who is smoking in your daughter's room or brings pot with her, another story when it's a kid who keeps you waiting for two minutes in the driveway

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 10:42am

My dd says it's because I'm "strict" that none of her friends wants to come over anymore.

Out of everything you wrote, this stood out to me. Have you talked to her about this specifically? I would really feel awful if my children said this. Now, mind you, we are the parents who didn't own a video game when my dds (now 21 and 19) were growing up (just got a Wii two years ago), and we go to bed at 10pm, don't allow drinking, smoking, tatoos, piercings besides ears, etc...  WE are usually the strict parents. But, there is a difference between, 'we are going to hang out at Susie's house because I know you go to bed early," and "my friends no longer want to come over."

As to your examples:

1) So, I usually do NOT have my kids wait outside (though we always try to be ready) because I don't want them to look impatient or like they have been kept waiting (not to mention, it's pretty hot lately outside and my boys would probably be sweaty and smelly, lol!).  Perhaps she only called because she wasn't sure of the time and wanted to be ready. Perhaps she herself was running late. I think the POLITE thing to do when you pick someone up is to go to the door!

2) I didn't really understand your second example - did you ask them to make breakfast and they refused? Honestly, I often make breakfast for my ds12 and I don't think it's a bad thing. However, if I wanted him to make breakfast on a given morning, I wouldn't "ask," I'd simply say, "hey kiddo, I'm busy this morning so if you haven't already made breakfast, you do need to to it yourself today."

And every kid is different. I will tell you, my ds12 responds like a rocket when he is asked to do anything. He is crazy responsible and is the one running around shutting off lights when we leave or reminding his brother that he needs something. Okay, ds10... he is a GREAT kid, very smart, very sweet, very loving, but...he's always the kid I have to tell twice to come, who forgets to brush his teeth, who looks surprised when I ask if he's had breakfast (was I supposed to eat this morning too?)...  not every kid is the same. Try to have a little patience and try to see the good things in friend #1. Ds10 is a loyal, loving, helpful kid who brightens our day and yeah, he can drive me crazy at times, but I hope all his friends' parents see all the GOOD points in him and not just that they might have to call him twice to come up.

And, I don't think it's a bad thing to give gentle reminders. Ds10 is still a bit flighty at times, but he has gotten much better because I calmy resond with gentle reminders (when he asks,"Can I have breakfast?" I simply answer "yes," and he figures out that he can make it himself or politely ask me to make him something. When he forgets to say "thank you," I remind him, and give him lots of kudos when he remembers. When he was taking a while to come, I'd walk to him and look him in the eye and tell him to respond. Now, even if he takes a minute, he always at least answers, "I'll be right there.") Don't expect your dd's friends, who were raised in a different environment, to have the same attitudes, standards and rules that you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 1:33pm

My daughter's had a couple of friends that I didn't much care for, but it was because they were pretty obviously "mean girls," and I didn't want her to either start behaving like them, or to trust them and be turned on by them later. Little things don't bother me so much.

For the specific examples, if you guys were running late, I'm not surprised she called to see when you were coming - I'd do the same thing if I were expecting a friend who hadn't shown up yet, not out of impatience, but because I'd wonder whether I'd made a mistake about the time. Maybe one of her parents told her to call and confirm that the activity was still on; I've done that before too.

As far as breakfast, did she actually have an attitude, or was she just reluctant? Maybe she felt awkward about making food in someone else's kitchen (my DD has been taught that it's not polite to help yourself to things in a house where you're a guest), or maybe she doesn't know how to cook/use the stove and was embarrassed to admit it. A lot of times, shyness in a kid can look like rudeness to an adult - granted, it might also be plain old rudeness, but it's hard to tell without actually being there.