I'm confused. Is the girl actually writing about things that never happened (for example, saying that she and her mother had a fight when they didn't) or is she just expressing feelings that are different from what the mother sees when they're together?
I don't think she should be reading her daughter's diary to begin with. A diary is a safe place for kids/teens/anyone to express themselves however they want---for their eyes only---without fear of judgement or repercussion. Our kids are not our "property" after all, and they do have a right to write their feelings in a private place away from the eyes of others.
I know my opinion may not be a popular one, but I speak from experience here. One day while I was at school, my mom read my diaries when I was a senior in high school. It caused such turmoil between us, and violated my trust in her so much, that it ruined our relationship for many years. IMO, it's a dangerous thing when you do things to attempt to "own" your kids' feelings and opinions. You might want to tell your friend that her daughter has every right to write whatever she wants in a diary, since no one is supposed to read it but her, and she would be good not to snoop in her daughter's private diaries if she doesn't want to read things that upset her.
As much as we may want to, we cannot have control our kids' minds and feelings. As separate individuals, those belong to them and them only.
Personally, unless I had a reason to suspect something troublesome, I would not read my daughter's diary. However, your friend has clearly made a different decision than I would, so here she has to face the consequences of her decision. Unless/until things are found that are a threat to her daughter, IMO she just has to live with what she's reading. She can't confront her dd about it without breaking her trust, which at this point is more important than dealing with her "lying". IMO it's not lying anyway, since it's being said in what she considers secrecy and only for herself. This may simply be the child's way of expressing her very real confusion regarding the relationship she has with her mom.
IMO there isn't much that can be done, and yes, I do think she's dealing with the fallout from her own decision.
All she can do, at this point, is to continue to bridge a real relationship with her daughter and build up her trust. If it were me, I would discontinue reading the diary, what's the point of continuing?
I learned most, not from those who taught me but from those who talked with me. - St. Augustine
OK. She writes things like: descriptions of verbal altercations or arguments with mother that didn't happen, at all, or that the mother was swearing at the father, which never happened. Or that she is angry with mother, when in real life she acts perfectly joyful to have her around, and spend time with her, going places, doing all sorts of things. She tells her how happy she is to be with her, after a year separation. Meanwhile, in diary she has used rather nasty language to describe her mother, while she is sweet as pie to her in reality.
It just doesn't add up.
There is another possible element here. There is a popular TV show which the 11 year old watches, which has characters that somewhat closely match the "mother" figure of the diary entries (not complementary) and situations as described in some of the entries.
Added to this, the girl is a gifted writer and enjoys writing. She wants to write a novel someday. SO... could this be practice? Mom takes it personally! Is this kid confused or just really creative? Granted, there could well be hidden emotions over mother being away, or the divorce or any number of issues.
Many sincere thanks for the ideas offered and advice re: NOT reading the diary.
It sounds like her imagination is running wild. Especially in light of what you said about her aspiring to be a writer. My daughter wants to be an actress and she acts out scenarios that unless you know her you wouldn't know she was acting.
I agree with the other posters, the mom should NOT be reading her diary. Our children should have a place where they can share their innermost thoughts. Its one of the worst feelings knowing that your journal/diary has been read. Encourage your friend not to judge her daughter by what she read in her journal. It isn't fair and unless she wants to ruin her relationship with her daughter she should refrain from reading it.
I think it's pretty much agreed that it's a mistake for your friend to be reading the girl's diary. Most people have thoughts about someone else, that maybe aren't so nice at times, but we might interact nicely w/ the other person in spite of that. It's just that we don't write everything down so the other person doesn't know what we are really thinking. It could be that the girl has these thoughts and doesn't want to express them, so this is a safe way for her to think about it, or it could be that she's just really creative. It doesn't really matter. As long as the mom is reading her diary, this is going to color her interaction w/ her DD, plus she won't be able to tell her DD what is bothering her because then she'll have to confess to snooping, which is really going to damage the relationship. I think she needs to put a lid on her curiosity and just deal w the way her dd is acting in person. If she wants to know more of what her DD is thinking, she can work on developing a relationship w/ her DD where the DD feels free to talk to the mom, even if not all her feelings are positive. Maybe since the mom has been gone for so long, the DD doesn't feel comfortable saying anything negative to her face for fear that she will leave again? Just a guess.
Oh and she should be glad she's only saying this in her diary. My DSD used to put stuff on myspace for the whole world to see that never really happened. Like she would say "my father threw me out of the house" Well, she was obviously in the house using the computer, right? Or "My father hit me." when they only had a verbal argument. My kids discovered this a couple of times and showed me, but I never told him because their relationship was bad enough and this would only make it worse.
Vanessa
More Than You Ever Wanted to Know
I don't think she should be reading her daughter's diary to begin with. A diary is a safe place for kids/teens/anyone to express themselves however they want---for their eyes only---without fear of judgement or repercussion. Our kids are not our "property" after all, and they do have a right to write their feelings in a private place away from the eyes of others.
I know my opinion may not be a popular one, but I speak from experience here. One day while I was at school, my mom read my diaries when I was a senior in high school. It caused such turmoil between us, and violated my trust in her so much, that it ruined our relationship for many years. IMO, it's a dangerous thing when you do things to attempt to "own" your kids' feelings and opinions. You might want to tell your friend that her daughter has every right to write whatever she wants in a diary, since no one is supposed to read it but her, and she would be good not to snoop in her daughter's private diaries if she doesn't want to read things that upset her.
As much as we may want to, we cannot have control our kids' minds and feelings. As separate individuals, those belong to them and them only.
Personally, unless I had a reason to suspect something troublesome, I would not read my daughter's diary. However, your friend has clearly made a different decision than I would, so here she has to face the consequences of her decision. Unless/until things are found that are a threat to her daughter, IMO she just has to live with what she's reading. She can't confront her dd about it without breaking her trust, which at this point is more important than dealing with her "lying". IMO it's not lying anyway, since it's being said in what she considers secrecy and only for herself. This may simply be the child's way of expressing her very real confusion regarding the relationship she has with her mom.
IMO there isn't much that can be done, and yes, I do think she's dealing with the fallout from her own decision.
All she can do, at this point, is to continue to bridge a real relationship with her daughter and build up her trust. If it were me, I would discontinue reading the diary, what's the point of continuing?
I learned most, not from those who taught me but from those who talked with me. - St. Augustine
OK. She writes things like: descriptions of verbal altercations or arguments with mother that didn't happen, at all, or that the mother was swearing at the father, which never happened. Or that she is angry with mother, when in real life she acts perfectly joyful to have her around, and spend time with her, going places, doing all sorts of things. She tells her how happy she is to be with her, after a year separation. Meanwhile, in diary she has used rather nasty language to describe her mother, while she is sweet as pie to her in reality.
It just doesn't add up.
There is another possible element here. There is a popular TV show which the 11 year old watches, which has characters that somewhat closely match the "mother" figure of the diary entries (not complementary) and situations as described in some of the entries.
Added to this, the girl is a gifted writer and enjoys writing. She wants to write a novel someday. SO... could this be practice? Mom takes it personally! Is this kid confused or just really creative? Granted, there could well be hidden emotions over mother being away, or the divorce or any number of issues.
Many sincere thanks for the ideas offered and advice re: NOT reading the diary.
Happy Holidays...
JWM
Hello, Welcome to the board!!
It sounds like her imagination is running wild. Especially in light of what you said about her aspiring to be a writer. My daughter wants to be an actress and she acts out scenarios that unless you know her you wouldn't know she was acting.
I agree with the other posters, the mom should NOT be reading her diary. Our children should have a place where they can share their innermost thoughts. Its one of the worst feelings knowing that your journal/diary has been read. Encourage your friend not to judge her daughter by what she read in her journal. It isn't fair and unless she wants to ruin her relationship with her daughter she should refrain from reading it.
Oh gees, close the diary. It's private and she shouldn't be reading it. Who cares if there are embellished stories and adds
I think it's pretty much agreed that it's a mistake for your friend to be reading the girl's diary. Most people have thoughts about someone else, that maybe aren't so nice at times, but we might interact nicely w/ the other person in spite of that. It's just that we don't write everything down so the other person doesn't know what we are really thinking. It could be that the girl has these thoughts and doesn't want to express them, so this is a safe way for her to think about it, or it could be that she's just really creative. It doesn't really matter. As long as the mom is reading her diary, this is going to color her interaction w/ her DD, plus she won't be able to tell her DD what is bothering her because then she'll have to confess to snooping, which is really going to damage the relationship. I think she needs to put a lid on her curiosity and just deal w the way her dd is acting in person. If she wants to know more of what her DD is thinking, she can work on developing a relationship w/ her DD where the DD feels free to talk to the mom, even if not all her feelings are positive. Maybe since the mom has been gone for so long, the DD doesn't feel comfortable saying anything negative to her face for fear that she will leave again? Just a guess.
Oh and she should be glad she's only saying this in her diary. My DSD used to put stuff on myspace for the whole world to see that never really happened. Like she would say "my father threw me out of the house" Well, she was obviously in the house using the computer, right? Or "My father hit me." when they only had a verbal argument. My kids discovered this a couple of times and showed me, but I never told him because their relationship was bad enough and this would only make it worse.
I agree that she does not belong reading the diary.
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