Privacy vs. Safety

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Privacy vs. Safety
14
Sat, 02-25-2012 - 11:43pm

I have a 13 year old daughter, who was recently allowed to have a facebook account.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Sun, 02-26-2012 - 12:34pm

Welcome to the board! I want to start by saying this a very common problem at this age. A good article on this issue is:

http://yourteenmag.com/2011/11/technology-parents-take-control/

I will also say honestly, you don't need to keep her trust, it's the other way around. You are the parent, plain and simple, your rules, your house and she needs to abide by them. The trick is explaining to her in a way that she understands that you are not invading her privacy, you are watching out for her safety and that is your job as a parent. Also, IMO, at 13, a

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Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sun, 02-26-2012 - 4:23pm
Kids still need parental supervision. I have my kids' passwords and they are 17 and 13. I have them or they lose thier internet privelage. I hardly ever look at their internet histories, etc..., but they know I can.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-1999
Sun, 02-26-2012 - 6:51pm
We take the my roof, my rules approach to phones, Facebook, Internet etc. My 13yr old does not even have Facebook yet and I have the passwords for my 16 yr old. I very seldom look, but they know I can and will if I need do. They both have phones with unlimited texting, but don't abuse it. I don't see any need for Internet access on their phones when they have their own laptops (which I will also monitor if need be).
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 11:24am

If you are her FB friend, why do you need the password to that when you can just look & see everything she posts on line anyway?

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 12:29pm
My only thought to this is that I know you can set up different FB friends into different "groups" and you can have different groups of friends see different aspects of what is posted, so she could have her mom or any other relatives set up on a different level so they only see certain aspects of what is on her page. We also have that as a condition for ODD that I am her friend on FB so I can see what she posts. She is not on it nearly like she used to be when she first started, like many, real life has gotten in the way of social media.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-1999
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 12:43pm

DS dosen't really post much, mostly youtube videos he finds funny.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 3:34pm

I would look at the broad picture first.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 6:37pm

I never found it necessary to have my daughter's password.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2001
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 7:17pm

I am puzzled by parents who think that being friends with their child is enough and that they don't need passwords.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 11:34pm
Hi! I really like the analogy with NYC. That's something I will borrow, as I think she might be able to relate. She has expressed to me that she has "trust issues" (her words), but I am not sure that she fully understands the meaning. Her father has issues of his own, and has not been her best advocate in the past. He has unfortunately put her in positions with his choices of partners that make her unwilling to trust him and his motives. In general, I follow through with what I say I will do. There has been a time or two where I hoped something would happen, and it wasn't feasable. but those situations are very few, and at the time, she understood why it did not happen. I have had a couple of conversations with her over the last few days where I feel confident that I am doing the right thing.

I have really given myself less credit than I deserve: We have been talking for years about responsible use of technology. Now, when I bring issues up such as "sexting", she will remind me that we have talked about it, she understands it, and she will not participate. Tonight, she got her phone, and I reminded her about sexting, and I added the rule that she would save any messages that she receives, and report them to myself or another adult that she trusts. No forwarding, or even sharing the image with anyone else. She agreed that this made sense. She is a pretty logical kid, when I take time to stop and think about it.

Thanks to all - as when I was nursing this kiddo, iVillage has helped me think through the issues I am facing!

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