Privacy vs. Safety

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Privacy vs. Safety
14
Sat, 02-25-2012 - 11:43pm

I have a 13 year old daughter, who was recently allowed to have a facebook account.

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Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 11:32am

IMO you're thinking of this the right way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 1:46am
There are ways in which you can be blocked, if you are just her 'friend' on facebook. The only way that you can see everything that is posted is to log on to the facebook user. I have not researched the filters, but I am at the point that I need to take a look. You can sort folks into different groups, and then further filter your posts based on what group they are in. It is getting more and more advanced. I agree with the statement that when I was growing up, I said all kinds of things to my friends with regards to my parents (and they to me), but with the internet, there is the sense of permanence that we didn't have to worry about. Not ot mention, school officials and potential employers look at these things. The ramifications are far reaching in comparison to when we were growing up.

I did explain to DD that I wasn't going to snoop unless I was given a reason. I don't have the time or the patience to review every silly thing that they relay, to be honest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 12:13am
Oh - I think that she thinks I am a smart person. Freaks her out sometimes, and it is hard for her to admit. She also understands (deep down) that I have her best interests in mind. Right now, it is highly annoying to her. I love her so much!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 11:40pm
I agree - the idea behind having her password is that I can see EVERYTHING. Whenever I deem it necessary. I had a situation where she was venting about a teacher. Despite the fact I had instructed her otherwise, she posting a veiled message about this person. I knew, as did her friends, exactly who she was talking about. The nature of the message was simply that she was frustrated. Nothing that anyone needed to worry - she deserves this right. But the lesson came with what was posted by her friends later - one of those comments was of a nature that I decided to log on and delete the entire string. I did it while I was at work - and had to tell her when I got home. She wasn't happy, but knew that she did not have a choice, and that it was the right thing to do given the circumstances. These posts can happen without their knowledge - if she is at school, and someone posts it on her wall, she won't see it for a while. Having that extra level of protection helps us out a ton.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 11:34pm
Hi! I really like the analogy with NYC. That's something I will borrow, as I think she might be able to relate. She has expressed to me that she has "trust issues" (her words), but I am not sure that she fully understands the meaning. Her father has issues of his own, and has not been her best advocate in the past. He has unfortunately put her in positions with his choices of partners that make her unwilling to trust him and his motives. In general, I follow through with what I say I will do. There has been a time or two where I hoped something would happen, and it wasn't feasable. but those situations are very few, and at the time, she understood why it did not happen. I have had a couple of conversations with her over the last few days where I feel confident that I am doing the right thing.

I have really given myself less credit than I deserve: We have been talking for years about responsible use of technology. Now, when I bring issues up such as "sexting", she will remind me that we have talked about it, she understands it, and she will not participate. Tonight, she got her phone, and I reminded her about sexting, and I added the rule that she would save any messages that she receives, and report them to myself or another adult that she trusts. No forwarding, or even sharing the image with anyone else. She agreed that this made sense. She is a pretty logical kid, when I take time to stop and think about it.

Thanks to all - as when I was nursing this kiddo, iVillage has helped me think through the issues I am facing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2001
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 7:17pm

I am puzzled by parents who think that being friends with their child is enough and that they don't need passwords.

Avatar for bradleyteach
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 6:37pm

I never found it necessary to have my daughter's password.

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Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 3:34pm

I would look at the broad picture first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-1999
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 12:43pm

DS dosen't really post much, mostly youtube videos he finds funny.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 12:29pm
My only thought to this is that I know you can set up different FB friends into different "groups" and you can have different groups of friends see different aspects of what is posted, so she could have her mom or any other relatives set up on a different level so they only see certain aspects of what is on her page. We also have that as a condition for ODD that I am her friend on FB so I can see what she posts. She is not on it nearly like she used to be when she first started, like many, real life has gotten in the way of social media.
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