QOTW: Do Parents Have The Right To Spy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
QOTW: Do Parents Have The Right To Spy?
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Mon, 05-12-2008 - 8:01am

(idea borrowed from the Parenting Debate Board)


QOTW:


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 8:28am
I think that parents should know what's going on with their kids all the time.
Julie,mom to Jasmine, born Oct. 12th, 1996
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 9:12am

I think parents have an obligation (legal in many cases) to keep their kids safe from harm. You wouldn't put them in a car without a seatbelt but we let them have free reign on the internet and other dangers under the guise of "privacy". Really, does a 13 year old have the experience and wisdom to judge when someone is leading them down the wrong path? Not likely. Many adults don't. Its my job to make sure she's not getting in over her head, however its not my job to monitor every little move. I think reading diaries unless you have reason to suspect something is over the top. I think the internet is different. I tell my DD that nothing is private on the internet. The person you are talking with can copy your conversation and print it out and post it for the whole world to see. Hackers can get in and read your stuff and take over your account. If you want to say something private and keep it secret it better be done face-to-face or in a diary.


I don't make a habit of reading every single MSN conversation she's had or every e-mail she gets, but I check sporatically to make sure things are going okay and so far I've only found one thing that concerned me. I knew her and a friend were blowing off steam about a girl who had upset them, but I explained to them both that if someone printed out that message or got ahold of it they could be in very very big trouble. They just don't think about stuff like that. They think its like talking to each other, but its not, its captured forever in the ether of the internet so you have to cover your butt. Hopefully they'll think twice about saying those kind of things on-line again, that's my job as a parent to teach her what the consequences of her actions could be, if I didn't see it (it was open on the computer, I didn't even have to snoop for it) then what is their incentive to not do it again if they don't see the risk?


So I think parents are obliged to "snoop" once in awhile. To make sure kids are safe. Now I also think that a 13 year old requires more "spying" than a 17 year old. I think as they get older and you have more confidence in their ability to make good safe decisions you back off. But you also keep an eye open for problems and step in where needed. Yes, they'll be furious at you if you read their e-mails and found out they were having unsafe sex or using drugs, but I figure I'd rather she be furious at me than planning the baby shower or funeral service.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 9:36am
If its on the internet it really isn't spying since anyone if they saw fit could read what they are posting.Plus checking a m/s internet history really isn't spying.At this age they are just learning to make good choices.They also don't realise that some of the stuff they are posting can have serious concequences.Also I doubt most kids this age are paying the internet bill or have paid for heir own computer.The same goes for text messages,but I doubt I'd ever read those unless I had a good reason.I do think it is an invasion of her privacy if I would read a snail mail letter or a diary.I would not do this unless I felt she was on drugs or making a lot of unsafe choices and if this was he case keeping her safe would be more important that her privacy.I honestly don't even read her AIM"s or emails,but she knows I can.She is always in the living room when she uses the computer,so I kind of look over her shoulder now and then.Plus 1/2 the time she is logged on to my account,so at 12 she really isn't ready to hide stuff from me yet.Even when she texts if she is busy,she'll have me send 1 few word replies back to her friends.I do agree with Tam about 12/13 year olds needing mor montoring than a 17 year old.At 12/13 sometimes they do sill stuff just to appear older,never thinking of the negative consequences.

Laura mom to Gabrielle


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 2:10pm
Ditto to everything you said. :)
Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 3:33pm
As long as I am resposible for said child and for what makes its way under my roof, child porn to drugs

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

Avatar for bradleyteach
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 6:12pm

I believe that parents have a right to do whatever they want, but that the question is do they need to and what message do they want to give to their kids?

<CENTER><A href="http://www.youngsurvival.org/"><IMG src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y23/jennt1111/mindy2.jpg"></A>


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2005
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 6:21pm
My daughter is only 10, and she doesnt really get on the computer that much if she is on then she is usually just on the family channel website, Our computer is in the basement where it is available for every one to use and see. Also if she is on the phone to her friends I dont usually evesdrop on her, She doesnt keep a diary or anything like that. Usually if she is having a problem with something she will come to me and want to talk about it.

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Avatar for sesamemom98
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 6:26pm
I'm with Tam.
Thanks to Kelly (mom2emsopmax) for my beautiful siggy! Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 7:15pm
I agree Mindy. I would never listen in on conversations unless I had reason to believe she was in danger. But things like the internet she's knows up front are not private and that I can check. I think parents have to find that fine line between trusting their kids and not giving them so much freedom and privacy that they manage to get themselves into situations that are over their head. As I've not seen much to make me concerned my intrusion into Kristen's "privacy" is minimal. But if I ever saw some weird stuff happening that I couldn't explain I would not be beyond snooping to get to the root of the matter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 12:11am

Hannah won't have privacy for a long time. She's a kid. Kids can make stupid mistakes. I tell her I'm reading her emails, checking her text messages, checking her backpack, etc.


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