QOTW: Social Groups

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Registered: 09-26-2003
QOTW: Social Groups
14
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 7:39am

Many of you probably saw and/or participated in the post in the second folder..."Is it ok to be a nerd"


This got me thinking, so I am curious:



  • What social group, at this time, would you place your 10-14 yr old in?

  • What are the pros & cons that you can see, for being in this social group?

  • What social group, at this age, were you in?

  • If you could hand pick a social group for your 10-14 year old; which one would it be and why?

  • Do you have any strong feelings one way or another as to what social group is the "best" & "worse"

Share your thoughts!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 7:58am

I did see the nerd post and thought about posting, even though I don't generally post here, but decided I would answer this one instead.

What social group, at this time, would you place your 10-14 yr old in?
This is a difficult question because Caitie goes to a small school where her class is the only grade 6 class in the school, therefore there are less obvious groups. Also, she doesn't really have any close friends to help place her in a group. She is a bit of a loner, not by choice, but she has all the characteristics of the "prep" group- enthusiastic, good grades, likes to get involved, etc.

What are the pros & cons that you can see, for being in this social group?
She is already stressed out and always feels like she has to do more, but on the positive hand she joins lots of clubs (ex. goes to horseback riding, volunteers at the stables, goes to a free Girls Group, sewing lessons) and meets different people through this which helps her social skills.

What social group, at this age, were you in?
Well, seeing as I'm still in high school, I would place myself in the same group as Caitie... the prep :)

If you could hand pick a social group for your 10-14 year old; which one would it be and why?
I would keep her in the group she is in... I think its the best personally, just because my group of friends are awesome and compared to many of the other groups at school, we are so EASY and just don't have the drama that they do socially.

Do you have any strong feelings one way or another as to what social group is the "best" & "worse"
Not really, but I'll take the question to point out that I think each popular group is divided into 2 sub-categories that kind of split up in the later high school years. There are the popular kids who get good grades, are on the sports teams, and are just all around leaders. And then there are the popular kids who intimidate other people, are completely judgemental, and are considered only with popularity. I think the second type of popular is the worst social group.

-Nikki


                             
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 9:23am

I have a 10 yo and a 12yo. The 10yo is a girl. They go to a small school so in the lower school it's hard to determine groups yet. There are a few girls that are way more mature than my dd, they do act bratty, and are trying to push the envelope. Then the rest of the girls seem to be a nice group of girls. They're growing up together and have been together for the most part since K. My dd is heavy into gymnastics and has lots of friends at they gym and at school. She's very pretty and smart and has a funny sense of humor, but she lacks a bit of self confidence. I think that could get her in trouble down the road.

My 12yo is in middle school. Last year I would have told you he was "king of the nerds" - lol (anyone remember 16 candles?) This year he's more of a floater. He is accepted in any group (I think), plays sports and is a nerd. But, we're in a nerdy school. He is very resolute and determined and I can't imagine him ever following the crowd.

I wasn't popular or unpopular in high school. I had a group of friends, I was a cheerleader, and I was very active in school and out of school. I'm surprised I even had time for school with all the other stuff I did. But, girls weren't mean back then like they are today. Sure, there was some of it going on, but not like Queen Bees or Mean Girls. At least I never saw it.

I would want both of my kids to have some good friends and not worry about following the crowd. I think when the idea of popular is mean or drugs or sex, I want no part of it for my kids. When popular is well liked, it also makes me wonder. How bland is your personality if everyone likes you? Do these kids mold their personalities to be liked by everyone? Would they ever take risks that might endanger their position? Then there are mean popular kids, and I don't understand how they get or stay in "power". I always wondered if boys saw how girls treat each other, and if they do, why do they still want to be with these mean girls.

Since we go to a private school I think money plays a part in this. There are some extremely wealthy kids at this school and then there are kids who are on financial aid, and everything in between. I know my dd resents the girl who is amazingly wealthy (her parents just donated $100,000 to the school). She lives in what I would say is a mansion, goes to disney at least 3 times a year, the bahamas over spring break, etc. I can see how that would cause jealousy and resentment amongst her peers. It's not this girls fault or a problem for her, but I have seen twinges from my dd when she doesn't get to do the amazing things this girl does. But, at the same time my dd is very appreciative of what we do have and what we do.

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Registered: 05-15-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:10am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:14am

  • What social group, at this time, would you place your 10-14 yr old in? That is a tough one. I'm not sure what our social groups are at the school. LOL I think she's alot like me, she flits around from kid to kid, sometimes with the sporty ones, often with the "smart" ones.
  • What are the pros & cons that you can see, for being in this social group? I think her ability to fit in with lots of different kids will help her. There is nothing worse than being labelled to one group and then being stuck there forever. I think being able to have a wide variety of interests and cultivate friends in all groups is a good skill to have.
  • What social group, at this age, were you in? I was also a bouncer, different friends at different times for different reason.
  • If you could hand pick a social group for your 10-14 year old; which one would it be and why? I want her to be popular but not too popular, sporty but not too sporty, smart but not too smart. LOL Is there a group for middle of the road? I think being "too" anything puts too much pressure on, just as being "not enough" of something can also lead to pressure. I certainly would rather she be in a popular group than an outcast as I think that can really make life difficult for kids. As long as she's happy and doing what she loves I don't really care.
  • Do you have any strong feelings one way or another as to what social group is the "best" & "worse" Well, obviously I think the stoners who are getting ready to drop out of school are the "worst". But I'm not sure there is one group that is the best, they all have a downside and an upside (except I can't find an upside to drop-out stoners).

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Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:47am

What social group, at this time, would you place your 10-14 yr old in?


~~I wouldn't place him in one particular group. He is freinds with ALL kids. Isaiah has the knack for making friends and making people feel very comfortable around him. He doesn't "clique" with one group of kids. We've always taught him to choose friends based on their values....and nothing else.


What are the pros & cons that you can see, for being in this social group?


~~ There aren't any cons that I can see. He is a social buterfly. Never tied down to one groups of kids. He has his friends that are athletic. He has the friends that challenge his intellect. he also has friends who share our same faith. Some of these kids attend his school and some of them overlap.


What social group, at this age, were you in?


~~I was a very shy kid. I was picked on and I didn't have very many friends in the 5th grade.


If you could hand pick a social group for your 10-14 year old; which one would it be and why?


~~I wouldn't pick one. I hope he continues to socialize the way he does now. DH and I both, are the same way. We have friends from all social classes, walks of life, religion, race....you name it. We love people.


Do you have any strong feelings one way or another as to what social group is the "best" & "worse"


~~Nope









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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:45pm

This is an interesting topic. The comments I make are about the topic, and shouldn't be generalized to be a comment on your daughter. I don't know your daughter.

Someone mentioned "Queen Bees and Wannabes", but I would also recommend Michael Thompson's "Best Friends, Worst Enemies. Understanding the Social Lives of Children". It is an excellent book. The author lives just outside of Boston, and I have heard him speak many times. He is a fabulous speaker, and worth attending if you hear that he will be speaking in your area. In general, there isn't a lot of good press out there for the queen bees. Queen bees have to maintain their power, and in order to do it they need to put others down. Someone else is always looking to be the next queen bee.

What social group, at this time, would you place your 10-14 yr old in?
I have no idea. My daughter recently started a new school, and most of the kids came from other elementary schools. There are about 200 sixth graders at her school, and half of those are on her academic team. I have no idea who the popular kids are simply because my daughter has never referred to anyone as being popular. I know she has a lot of friends from the neighborhood, and from her various activities. She has one core group of girls that she spends time with. People seem to like and respect her, and she is very outgoing.

What are the pros & cons that you can see, for being in this social group?
Well, she seems happy. Most of her friends are highly motivated, social, and active. There is a lot of social pressure to do well in school.

What social group, at this age, were you in?
I was the cheerleader that hung out with the brains. Many of my friends went onto top tier universities.

If you could hand pick a social group for your 10-14 year old; which one would it be and why?
I would pick a group of kids that would be supportive, and appreciate her for who she really is. Ideally, her friends will be smart, creative, interesting, and motivated. I wouldn't want her in a group of kids that make her worry about whether she is "in" or "out", or would pressure her into risky behavior. I couldn't care less if she was popular, but I hope she has a core group of friends she can count on.

Do you have any strong feelings one way or another as to what social group is the "best" & "worse"
A few years ago I read an article about "gamma girls". These were girls that had a lot of interests and activities, and drew her friends from various circles. The article went on to talk about how these girls were the most confident, happy and successful.

I wouldn't want her to be the queen bee, the stoner, or the outcast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 4:40pm

What social group, at this time, would you place your 10-14 yr old in?
What are the pros & cons that you can see, for being in this social group?

We live in a small town, so it's been interesting to see how a group of "just kids" has divided itself into a bunch of cliques. My dd has always had lots of friends, so she has been "accepted" by several groups. Problem is, not all of these groups are willing to accept each other! She's had to bow out of the "cheerleader" group because she tried cheerleading and it didn't catch her interest. Now they don't want to have much to do with her. She seems to be in a group that's best characterized by the relative wealth of the parents. Both the cheerleader/jock group and the wealthy parents group vie for control of "popularity." Actually, we aren't very wealthy, for that matter. So it all makes me nervous. Kids identifying themselves and segregating themselves as "haves" (have - good looks, money, style, athletic ability, etc) and "have nots" (have not - some or all of the above) really bugs me. The pro that I see to her being in any group is that kids do well to associate with kids who have similar interests.

What social group, at this age, were you in?
Here's the reason all this makes me nervous (and why I find it interesting). I moved around a lot as an Army brat. I generally got lumped into the "nerd" group when I was young because no one knew me. The m.o. of any clique seems to be admitting those who are like you and keeping out those who are unlike you. So a newbie doesn't seem to be "like" any particular group. And I generally found all the game-playing sophomoric and useless. By the time I was in high school, I simply defined myself rather than allow myself to be defined by my friends or my foes. Admittedly, though, junior high was extremely difficult socially!!

As for "best" and "worst," I just hope both my dc learn to define themselves rather than letting others define them. So far, dd holds her own and doesn't let herself get intimidated into behaviors that are contrived simply to fit in. But she's had to endure a bit of snubbing from former friends as everyone gets "sorted" into their groups.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:31pm
NIKKI--what a great way to define the "popular" group!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:35pm

Your comment....."But, girls weren't mean back then like they are today. Sure, there was some of it going on, but not like Queen Bees or Mean Girls."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:39pm

I totally agree Lolly with your comment that every group has it's ups and downs!


I think that it is a misconception that....popular kids are the ones havign sex, doing drugs and drinking-----the nerds are doing nothign bad, the stoners/loners are doing drugs,etc...


I think those things go for each group---there are positives and negatives, ups and downd to every social circle!






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