QOTW:"friends---good or bad"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
QOTW:"friends---good or bad"
11
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 8:01am
QOTW: Friendships
(Thank you to the boardmember who submitted this as a topic)


What about your teen/tween's choice in friends?


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Avatar for cathiann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 9:10am

Luke has a friend that i don't like.

Surviving Middle & High School
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:01am
I have no qualms about steering my kids away from bad influences of all sorts. We wouldn't forbid them from any friendship in a way that would cause major conflict, but dh and I do let our kids know what behaviors we approve and disapprove. I have been known to tell both dd11 and ds8 that certain activities of certain friends are not welcomed by us. When these kids come to my house, they must follow my rules or leave. And if my kids go to the others' houses, I tell them that if they start engaging in behaviors we don't approve, they will be restricted from going to those kids' houses. So the onus is on our kids to do the right thing, no matter what crowd they are in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:05am
I don't forbid them from the friends that I dislike. I just limit the time they spend with them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:45am

Having moved 13 times in 16 years, I'm lucky that my kids are very particular about who they choose as friends. My husband and I both have siblings who've 'taken a bad turn' and we've been very open with our kids about the bad choices these siblings have made and the resulting consequences. They know their aunt spent a year in jail and all of her hair fell out due to Meth use. I think seeing her like that probably did more than any lecture or talk could have! :) They know their uncle's bad choices led to his arrest several times for various things have really contributed to his 'messed up mentality'. My kids have really had some shocking lessons about reality and it seems to have made an impact on them. We're very open about this and as a result they tend to NOT want to be around people who's value's they question. I actually had a neighbor tell me once that my daughter gave a neighbor's girl a yelling at so 'adult' sounding they thought it was ME! Guess this girl wanted my daughter to sneak out and go somewhere with her and she was read the riot act by my daughter! If you read my previous post about drinking already, you can see that my daughter so far is very true to herself and what she feels is wrong and NOT afraid to act on it. Fortunately my son is the same way, just not as loud and vocal as she is.

So far so good around here, but I'm sure we'll all be tested throughout their teen years!

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 12:57pm

I could have written your post. DH and I have empowered the kids with the tools to be able to choose the right friends. We first teach them, they must be friendly and display good character of a friend. If they do that, they'll in turn attract good like minded

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 1:13pm

Thankfully we are still at the point where I have some control over her social life. She can't just take off and visit whomever. There is on girl I would rather she stear clear of and she seems to be now. The child just has no interest in school, her parents don't encourage her and she seems far too caught up in a world that just doesn't mesh with ours. So while I would NEVER say she can't be friends with someone, she would suddenly find herself very busy when asked to come over. Thankfully DD is not really that interested in spending alot of time at someone else's house. She does a lot of IMing which I prefer actually. But I think its talking about why the friends make bad choices, stearing them in another direction, keeping them busy so they don't have time to "hang out", etc. Outright forbidding I think leads to the forbidden fruit problem.


Also, my DD knows that I expect her to behave in a certain manner and I don't CARE if "everyone" else is doing it, if I find out YOU were doing it, there will be a price to pay. Its her choice then whether she wishes to suffer the consequences of her choices.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 1:39pm

I hear you! My DS (not my tween) has a friend who is so rude and disrespectful that I really cannot stand having him over. When he is here, I try to send the kids outside as much as possible so that I don't have to deal with this mouthy kid. But I don't interfere in my kids' friendships. That only backfires.

It's important to have even the not-so-nice kids over once in a while so that you can see what's going on. The only exceptions are for physically out of control kids. For a while, DS was not allowed to have a particular kid over because he was very rough and broke stuff, and it was just too stressful to have him in my space. But he has matured, as all kids eventually do, so he is once again welcome here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:16pm

We have faced this exact issue just recently - DS made friends with some that seem to have questionable motives - ie. one friend is a SENIOR at his high school, he is admittedly gay and took a VERY aggressive stance on forming a relationship with DS who is a freshman - He was OVERLY suck up friendly to Hubs and I -and left a weird I-can't-exactly-put-a-finger-on-it-but-it-feels-wrong feeling with us.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:27pm

Okay, I have a confession to make here. My son has a friend who we really don't like at all. He's not bad or wild. He is a total geek to the point of being anti-social. I don't like his parents either. He came here in 5th grade and my son instantly hit it off with him. They were each others friends to the exclusion of all other kids in school. I think he brings the worst out in my son. My son then got the well deserved reputation of being a geek. If you ask this kid a question he literally won't answer you. He doesn't do anything outside of school and I hate to say this but I can't believe how his parents let him go out the door wearing tube socks, sandals, tight shorts, ill fitting t-shirts... in winter.

In middle school I asked for the boys to be separated so my son could have an opportunity to maintain other friendships. The mom went in and asked for them to be put together and now they are together all day, every day. It's a small school and there are only 30 7th graders.

DS expanded their circle in 6th grade and got them into a new group. Now my son in 7th still likes him, but gets aggravated because this boy follows him around everywhere. My son now has become a 'free agent' and sits with different kids in lunch. At the last movie night I saw this boy literally following my son around about 5 feet behind him.

My son likes to be friends with everyone now and plays sports in school and this poor kid is just a total social misfit. I am proud that my son still plays with him and hangs out with him some, and even formed a group so this kid would have other friends.

I don't encourage a lot of time with them. We're pretty busy anyway, but they do have the occasional sleepover. I've heard the kids say maybe 10 words tops when he spends the night.

Avatar for 2boyz4us
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 3:01pm
I am so lucky in the respect so far. I really like all my Ds's friends (well, one is a bit bossy but he is pretty good). Especially my middle schoolers friends that come over more-nice kids both in and out of school with good families. Most of my youger Ds friends are friends from church and neighborhood.
 

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