Stepdad and Punishments
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| Mon, 01-01-2007 - 7:09pm |
I have three kids, a son age 12 and 2 daughters ages 6 and 8. I have been married to Jason, their stepdad, for 3 years now. I have 2 problems:
1) When my son starts acting up, i.e., wont do (or stop doing) what we tell him, my husband and I usually start by saying "Bobby, if you don't stop acting up, you will be punished in X way" (giving him warning of what the consequences will be if he continues). At this point, he usually starts being really disrespectful to his stepdad. He doesn't talk back to me, I think I am the "boss" in his mind, but he'll say certain things like "Mom, make Jason go away!" or he'll say to my husband "You're just making things worse/you're not making anything any better by being here" (during the argument, not in general). Keep in mind, he's yelling/talking rudely when he says these things. Sometimes he'll tell his stepdad to shut up, go away, he'll say "FINE, I *heard* you, I GET it!" or he'll say "I'm not even talking to you, I'm talking to mom". He just has no respect for his stepdad as a parent/authority figure. I have talked to him about how much Jason has done/sacrificed to raise he and his sisters (because their bio dad is a total deadbeat absent father) and I've told him that Jason's word has just as much 'clout' as mine, that he has to treat Jason with the same respect he treats me, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.
2) Jason is so personally angered and insulted by Bobby that (I believe) he punishes out of anger and his feelings being injured. He wants to take *everything* away from my son when he's grounded: not only the video games, gameboy and seeing friends, but TV, toys, going up the street to grandma's, spending the night at grandma's (the kids take turns, one sleeps over at her house on every non school night), everything and he wants it to be indefinite, like until Bobby stops saying those things to him. Only problem is, the only time we can see if Bobby will or wont say these things is when there is a big "family argument", i.e., both Jason and I are trying to tell him to do/stop doing something. I told my husband I can't just make Bobby sit and stare at the wall for weeks on end but he wants him to have harsh punishments. I know that in the past I have been too lenient on the kids, for example, letting them do chores in exchange for time off grounding (time off for good behavior), or renegging/compromising on punishments that I've handed down... but if I'm too flexible, I think my husband is too inflexible. For example, my son did this all last night, being rude to Jason and for punishment, I suggested that for 3 days he have no video games/gameboy, no friends over and no sleeping over at grandma's. Jason thought that was too soft on him and said 5 days and then he can be off grounding if he's been behaving all week. I agreed to that. Today, Bobby's best friend came back from out of town (Bobby hadn't seen him in 2+ weeks) and I went to Jason and said please, let's just let Bobby see him for like an hour, then he can go back on punishment... my husband got really mad and we had a big argument about it.
I don't know who's right! What punishment would you give for what happened last night:
My son wasn't feeling good so he went to lie down in bed, but my daughters were in the room watching TV (they all share a room) so I very nicely told my son, come lie down in my room, you wont be disturbed and they can watch TV. He refused to move, he wanted to basically stay in his room where he could fight with them over the TV volume, lights being on, etc. I asked him multiple times, come on Bobby, just go in my room and that will solve everyone's problems, but he wouldn't go. He wanted to fight with his sisters. Finally we ordered him to get up and get into my room - I just wanted him to have somewhere to lie down and rest and them to be able to be in their room without them all disturbing each other - and Bobby would not budge. Jason and I told him he was going to get grounded, he still wouldn't move and then he started the rude mouthing off to Jason, telling him to shut up, go away etc...
How would you punish him? Am I too lenient? I just hate seeing my son cry because he can't see his best friend who just got back into town, but my husband says it doesn't bother him that Bobby is upset because he shouldn't have acted up if didn't want to lose the right to see his friend. Ugh :(
Thanks for any advice you can give,
Maria

I haven't had to deal with this situation, but here is something that I found on another site from a so-called teen "expert" so maybe it will apply. I thought his logic was very good and sometimes our kids get so literal at this age you really have to battle it with logic. (In this case it was a 13 year old girl.)
Your husband and you are the leaders of your household. That is a responsibility you share. True,
Hi Maria,
Really I see a vicious circle you have here!
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Maria - Hugs to you!
Hello Maria.
<CENTER><A href="http://www.youngsurvival.org/"><IMG src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y23/jennt1111/mindy2.jpg"></A>
Ramona Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!
My first thought, on reading your post, was that this poor kid is being set up to fail. Not intentionally, of course--you wouldn't be posting here if you didn't want things to get better--but your questions were mostly about how to punish your son, as if you expected an infraction of the rules. Why not turn this around and ask what you as a family need to do to help him become more respectful? Don't wait for him to screw up, set him up to succeed.
I agree that counseling would be a big help, not just for him, but for the whole family. Even your daughters are part of this dynamic and they need the counseling just as much as your son does.
In the meantime, I'd have a family meeting. Both you and your DH should talk and announce that from now on, every member of the family needs to be treated with respect. Your son has a right to respect from his SF, too, and from his sisters. For example, if he really was feeling ill and needed to lie down in his room, it would have been kind and respectful for his sisters to get up and go elsewhere to watch TV, or forgo watching it for that evening. If they didn't do this on their own, you should have asked them to leave. A sick or tired person's need to lie in his own bed takes precedence over a healthy person's right to watch TV.
Honestly, I think your son feels powerless, as if he's the family scapegoat, and that's why he's acting out.
I realize these things are way more complex than you can show in a single post, but this is just how it seemed to me. You need to create a climate of empathy for every member of the family. Taking away every single one of your son's privileges isn't going to do that. It's just going to make him feel as if his feelings don't matter. People don't act out because they are jerks (usually!), but because they feel like they can't be heard any other way.
When he's not being rude, take him aside and ask him what he thinks would help him be more respectful. If he gives you a flip reply, like "have Jason move out," then tell him you are looking for a serious, respectful reply. If he can't give you one, end the conversation, but tell him that if he does want to talk about this in a dignified way, you will listen. Above all, he needs to know that you want him to succeed, not that you are expecting him to fail. Give him something to live up to.
Good luck,
Ashley
That is a great point Ashely and you said it way better than I did!
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I comepletely agree with the previous poster's comments about the whole family working on showing respect, but in addtion I see a couple of ugly cycles here. First of all you're upset that your son doesn't show respect to his step dad. Why should he? He gets rude and mouthy which upsets your husband, which in turn upsets you. Stepdad tries to punish out of anger. You step in and reduce the punishment. Son gets negative attention (which is more fun that postitive attention) AND the icing on the cake is you are upset at his stepdad...which sounds like what he really wants to begin with! Topping it off is stepdad once again looks like the bad guy and the cycle continues on from there.
The punishments you are saying your husband wants to do are NOT too strict. He's not getting physical with the boy, he simply wants to take enough away from your son that it 'means something'. I'm the more lenient one and my husband is the stricter one here. There have been times that I felt his punishments were too strict but I also saw the big picture. Sometimes having the hammer drop down on your life is the shake up a kid needs to be reminded that the parent is in control. I'm GLAD I have someone to be the hard nose when it's needed.
I suggest you discuss this ahead of time with your husband and tell him you've decided to let him try his method. Decide ahead of time to go with his grounding rules for a week the next time your son pops his mouth off. Use the same routine, let hubby tell him he'll be grounded for a week if he doesn't stop. When he does it again..sit back and let hubby enforce the grounding. Let him take away everything and help him by supporting him in front of the kids. A child won't die of sorrow by having everything taken away for a week but he will probably realize that stepdad means what he says and that you won't be divided over it. Don't let up, or let him work it off with chores. Stick to it no matter how bad he cries and whines. His behaviors' only purpose have been to divide you and hubby up and to make ya'll fight. Showing that you're united no matter what he say is taking a huge step towards fixing his behavior. He did't get this way overnight and it won't disapear as fast either. When is IS whining, angry...whatever, over his punishment, you should simply shrug your shoulders and remind him that his life will be much improved when he learns to speak respectfully to his step dad. Remind him that this man is your chosen partner and that he is equally a member of the family. You might also throw in a few ideas about how to show respect, appreciation, how to show thanks.
I also agree that family counseling of ANY KIND would be very helpful...starting with you and hubby and then bringing in the kids! Does hubby do anything with just the son? Maybe it would be a good idea to work on that relationship as well...
Hope this helps!
Denise
Edited 1/3/2007 4:47 pm ET by woodbabe