Too much for a 10 year old?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Too much for a 10 year old?
18
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 8:05am
(I already posted this question on "Kids and Sports", but this seems to be a much more active board, so please help me out!) My youngest daughter (10) has been taking gymnastics for almost three years. She moved up incredibly rapidly to competition, where she has excelled for the last two years, and has LOVED it. A couple of weeks ago they moved her up to the next level (She is working with the Level 8-9-10 gymnasts, many of whom are high school age, but they are fantastic). She is expected to work out 31 (yes, thirty-one) hours a week, and be a level 8 next year. The main problem is she has all of a sudden decided that she wants to quit. Partially it is the number of hours, she is just overwhelmed, and partially it is her new coaches. They are the owner of the gym and another high level coach and their approach is quite different (much harsher) than she has had before. We did talk with them, and they told her to skip one day of practice a week, and ease into the harder schedule. She was happy with the decision, until it came time to put her leotard on Thursday and Friday, when she had another breakdown. I did not make her go those days, but now she has missed 4 out of 5 days last week. My problem is that I want my child to be happy, but I am also afraid that if she gives up this easily at something that she has such AMAZING talent at, that she will be sorry later. Do I "force" her to push through the adjustment period, or do I let her walk away from it all? I think 10 is way too young to even begin to comprehend the ramifications of leaving OR of staying. Her coaches are somewhat flexible, but they will not stand this back and forth business for long (I agree that it is not fair to them or the other gymnasts). She loves her friends at the gym (who have all encouraged her to stay, and told her that everyone goes through this)...but it does not seem to be helping. This is totally stressing me out. I am frustrated with her, because I think she is making the wrong choice, and I'm frustrated with myself because I feel like a bad mother that I am upset about HER decision. My husband is deployed to the Middle East and I cannot contact him until next week. I do not want to make the decision for her, but I don't think she realizes how good she is and where this could (all things being perfect)take her. It may take her nowhere, she may decide down the road it's not for her, but I can see that right now she is upset about the changes, and the fact that one of the coaches embarrassed her last Monday and made a couple of snotty remarks. (He does this to everyone, but she doesn't have the maturity to overlook it like most of the girls). Now she is scared to go back, and says she "isn't good enough" even though both of her coaches have assured her how phenomenal she is. Do I need to make her go and get over her fear, or do I let her walk away? If I make her go, will she hate me and gymnastics forever? If I let her walk away will she regret her decision five or ten years from now and always wonder what MIGHT have happened? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! Opinions?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-1999
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:14pm

I'm all for learning self-discipline but 30 hours a week is are really huge commitment for a 10-year-old. My DD is involved in youth and professional theatre and while she would put in 30 hours during tech week, the rest of the weeks are limited to 10 hours and only 12 weeks at a time. We only allow her to be in a maximum of 2 shows a year and one has to be during summer. Giving 30 hours a week to theatre year round she would have to give up playing the violin (and her spot in the advanced orchestra.) She'd have to give up Girl Scouts which she's devoted 4 years to. She doesn't struggle in her accelerated classes at school now but she might if she lost an average of 4+ hours a night of homework time.

I grew up with child actors and actresses. At 15 I was working as a professional theatre technician. I lasted because not doing it was just not phathomable to me. It physically hurt. I only gave it up at 28 when I realized that I couldn't be in that profession and be the kind of mother I wanted my children to have (basically, a mother that wasn't gone 13 hours a day for months and then gone most nights and all weekends for years.) Believe me, I understand sacrifice for ones passion. Personally, I never said I wanted to quit.... I couldn't have. Now, my DD is very different. She loves theatre and she's extremely talented but it's not her passion. If I told her she couldn't do it again, she'd be sad but it wouldn't break her... now, if I took away her writing journals....

If your DD signed up for a gym class once a week and then wanted to quit halfway through I would absolutely say she needs to finish the class. Your DD's situation couldn't be more different from that though. This is a serious lifestyle choice and it's her life.

My point is, there are MANY ways to grow into a self-disciplined individual. There are many opportunities to overcome obstacles. We don't need to give our children 50 hour work weeks for them to become productive members of society (and with school and gym, 50 hours is about right.) Let your DD make this decision. Who knows, she may want to go back to it. She may also go in a different direction that leads her to the remarkable life of her choosing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:38pm
Well, she shocked the heck out of my family when (after refusing with tears on Thursday and Friday to go to gym-I did not respond at all other than to say "if you don't want to go, you don't have to)Sophie got out her beam on Saturday and started demonstrating moves for her grandmother. On Sunday night she announced that she had to go to bed early because she had early gym on Monday, and Monday she went back like she had never been gone. When I asked her if she was going to stick with it (because I am supposed to shell out $200 for the new competition leotard by Friday), she looked at me like I was nuts and said "yes, why?" Okay, maybe it's me and I've been hallucinating all of this...but Sophie seems to be the only one who has no recollection of the drama she exhibited last week...stay tuned for the next edition of our soap opera! (She did spend a lot of the last week sleeping, I think she just needed a break from life in general)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:53pm
See, that's the thing. We never would have chosen this for her, she chose it for herself. That's one reason we were reluctant to let her quit so suddenly and completely. We felt that if she had been wavering for a while, or wanted to cut back, that it would have been understandable. When she mentioned other sports in the past, she has always wanted to stick with gym. Twice before, we told her that we would tell her coaches she needed to cut back in order to do another activity, and both times her response was "You mean skip a day of gym? No." We also always make sure homework is done, that is a huge priority. On days she feels behind in schoolwork she either skips gym or comes home early. The coaches are okay with that, and if they weren't, that would be too bad. The 31 hours a week is only the summer schedule, they do less than that during the school year, I'm not sure how many as this is the first time she has been in this group. Summer is intense because they use the time to learn all the new skills, once school starts back up it's just practicing the new stuff. Anyway, she is now acting like she never had a meltdown and is as happy with gymnastics as she has been for the last several years...maybe it's just a pre-teen mood thing? We'll see....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 11:41pm
It's been really interesting to read all of this dialogue.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-1999
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:24am

She may have needed to know she could quit if she wanted. That is an important aspect to any activity. A person needs to know that they are doing something for themselves and that the world won't fall apart if they choose to go a different direction. DD did that with violin. She's been playing from 5-years-old and she's really good. Then suddenly she stopped practicing. We eventually stopped lessons because I wasn't going to pay for her to show up unprepared week after week and I didn't want to play the practice nag role. She didn't play much for about 6 months and we didn't bring it up. This January she was offered private lessons during school from the middle school orchestra teacher and then offered a position in their advanced orchestra when she started 6th grade. Now she is back with a vengence on her own and has grown tremendously.

I come from a family of tremendous musical ability. As a child, the pressure to play music was staggering and I eventually quit at the "top of my game." The pressure was unintentional but certainly too much for a child. I make sure to keep an open dialogue with my kids on the topic because it's so easy for them to feel like they HAVE to be the best to be loved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 10:55am
Thanks, that's something that I never thought of. I really like the thought that she needed to know she could quit and the world would not stop. We do try to be realistic and let her know how proud we are of her, no matter what her grades, gymnastic scores or even her closet looks like! But, it is a lot of pressure and we understand that. Maybe this was her way of making sure that it was her choice and not anyone else's. A new perspective!
Avatar for snowbabies97_98
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 8:58am

I'm chiming in very late, since it seems like her decision's been made, but just had to add in my two cents anyway.

Rebecca

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 8:56am
Well, it can't really be done without giving up just about everything else! But, gymnastics is kind of weird. First of all, it is pretty dangerous, so it does require heavy supervision. Which means that as your child gets better, they have to move up to groups that are practicing the same skills. You can't have a coach who doesn't know EXACTLY what they are doing. Secondly, it is something that has to be practiced a lot, it's not something you can learn and then move on...it all builds. So they practice cartwheels and round-offs just like the beginners, and plus add all the other stuff on. Lastly, the competition is fierce. Unfortunately, where we live there is not a lot of choice for gyms that are training at the level Sophie is, and those couple of others that are around are even "harsher" than where we are. I agree 100% that the attitude of the coach is counter-productive, and so does everybody else. Most of the other girls just deal with it, and Sophie is going to have to do the same, or quit. We have let her know that it's okay if she can't take it, that we think it's unfair, but also that sometimes life is that way. She does know that he is the same with everyone, he certainly doesn't pick on her, in fact it's often the opposite as she is really good at bars and that's his "thing." The 31 hours is about right for summer training at her level, we have called several gyms and that's pretty standard. Rough, but standard. So, if she wants to keep doing it (and right now she does), she needs to know that. Anyway, thanks for the input. I know it seems excessive, and we were really shocked at first, but if this is what she chooses, she needs to know what the requirements are. We try pretty hard to make sure that she is a normal kid, going to birthday parties, doing chores, etc. She's just a normal kid with a job! (That SHE picked!)

Pages