Off topic: Do you ever feel conflicted...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Off topic: Do you ever feel conflicted...
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 10:26am
Or resent having to be the person you HAVE to be vs.the person you WANT to be? I find myself having to be the "responsible" one and the disciplinarian as well as the one who gives up their time for the rest of the family. I have to say no to things from a financial standpoint all the time because dh won't. I want to be the one who says "let's go to the movies" or "yes, you can stay up a little later tonight" sometimes. I want him to make the kids clean up and put their things away. The entire family thinks I'm a witch (though they would start the word differently) because I'm the only one that says no and makes them do things they don't want to do. I also end up being the "good" kid in my generation in my extended family. I'm the one who visits, writes my grandfather. I'm the one who does the right thing in the family's eyes all the time. Is all of this simply what people (real adults not just chronological adults) do? Is it okay for me to be who I want to be sometimes and not always who I HAVE to be because someone has to and I'm the only one who will? Just looking for a reality check...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2010
Sat, 11-26-2011 - 11:15am

Yes and no.

Avatar for bradleyteach
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Fri, 11-25-2011 - 11:57am

Yes, I do feel that way.

<CENTER><A href=""><IMG src=""></A>


Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 11:47pm
I hear you, sigh. It feels at times everyone gets to enjoy the party and I am here to wash dishes, refresh drinks and take out the trash.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-23-2011 - 2:13pm

I think this happens a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-1999
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 8:32pm

DH feels a lot of guilt because his job is very demanding and he is not always there for the kids, hence he is the fun parent.

Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 3:53pm

I have felt like that at times but I have learned that while my DH doesn't naturally take on that role, he absolutely will if I'm upfront with how I'm feeling.... and not at heat of the moment angry moments. Once I told DH how painful it was to always be the root of dissapointment and frustration, he totally stepped up. I'm still the heavier hand in the family but DH actually takes on the big stuff now.

I admit though, I sort of set myself up for it. I've have ALWAYS been that person. I was the one girls went to when they started their periods in elementary and middle school and were afraid to go to the nurse alone. I was the practical organizer in high school focusing the wild and crazy ideas into ones we could afford and actually follow through on. I was that girl in college that stayed sober at parties dumping out abandoned drinks, keeping friends from drunken strip teases and making sure everyone had a safe ride home. When I started a family, I naturally continued that role. I very often found myself sending the kids to "ask your father" when I knew *I* couldn't say yes but I *wanted* to. You see, I sort of of need permission from another adult to be reckless too and so I am grateful for DH in that way too.

As silly as it sounds, I have found it helps to actually "plan" when I get to be the good guy. For example, "dessert for dinner" is a tremendous and rare treat but of course, MOM in me says it's a bad idea. Every once in awhile though, I plan it without telling the kids. We'll eat extra healthy. We'll have a much later lunch. Then I'll say "ugh, I'm too tired to cook... lets go to our favorite ice cream place for sundaes." I get to be the good/fun guy without feeling too badly about it. I know, sort of pathetic to plan spontanaity but hey, it makes me happy!

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 11:12am
Sigh, unfortunately, yes, and I complain about it all the time. Not really complain, because there is a certain amount of it that i like to do, but being the responsible one all the time, the one that always says no to the "fun" stuff, being too darn tired or thoughtful about the consequences of things to be too spontaneous, yes, all the time...