~Tuesday Hot Topic Talk~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
~Tuesday Hot Topic Talk~
19
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:07am


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What are your opinions regarding living with someone versus getting married, and why?


This seems to be the new trend.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:36am

ARRGGH. Stupid computer ate my post. Sigh. Starting over.


I don't have a problem with people living together in a committed relationship. I do have a problem with people who hop from relationship to relationship with no thought. My parents lived together before and so did ex and I. We both got married eventually but it didn't help maintain my marriage. My professor has lived with his "wife" for 22 years. They are only now considering getting married for financial reasons. If he were to die his wife would lose half of his pension savings to the government because of their marital status (or lack thereof). If they are married she gets 100%. Dumb.


I think what is important for kids to see in their parents relationship is love and respect and caring. That doesn't come with a marriage certificate. There are so many marriages that are disasters for the kids and the adults. That can NOT set a good example for their kids. I think people need to do what works for them. For some people that means marriage, either for religious reasons for for legal/civil ones. For others it is entirely possible to be in a committed, monogamous relationship without the paper. To me, not being married did not offer me any more freedoms relationship wise than being married. It wasn't a license to see other people, or that kind of thing.


To be honest, Kristen thinks we are divorced. We're not but its nothing I've ever discussed with her and never will. We live as divorced and piece of paper somewhere that says we are still married means nothing. Just as if we were living as married a piece of paper that says we're not would not make our relationship any less valid.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:04am

I would not advise any woman that plans to be married to do it. My granny always said 'Why buy the cow, when the milk is free'? I know TOO many women that settle for "shacking up" and when and if they make it down the aisle, it's after YEARS AND YEARS of living together.


As with anything, there are exceptions but statistically speaking- its highly unlikely that shack ups turn into marriages.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:15am
I think it is up to the individual people. How do they feel about it? Some might have old fashioned values but it just depends. My brother is living with someone. I have no problem with it. This girl is nice, she treats him well. I supose if you choose to do this you do not have a messy, costly, circus to go through if it does not work out. To each his own.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:40am

I agree with everything Tam said in her post. Hopping from one relationship to another is where the bad example comes in for the children. Ther rest is personal choice. What works well for one person doesn't necessecarily work for another.

No marriage is perfect. I did not live with my first husband and it didn't work out. We also didn't have any children. I did live with my current husband before we married and there are times I'm not sure this one will work out either. We have two children together and he had two when we married and one of them lives with us. We do the best we can and always put the interest of the children before anything else.

Tonya

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:41am

Hmmm. I find it the opposite here. All of my family who lived with their boyfriends married them with 1-2 years, as I did. I also find the phrase "shacking up" rather derogatory. For people who are in a committed monogamous relationship it can be more "real" than people who run to Vegas and marry for fun or who don't take it seriously thinking "I can always get a divorce". In Canada you are considered in a common-law marriage after one year of living together. That pretty much gives you most of the rights of a regular married person. You are covered under insurance, inherit and if the relationship breaks up are entitled to half of all the assets exactly as if you were married.


I never "shacked up" with my ex. We lived together before we got married but it was not done on a whim nor did I get the short end of the stick. It was a joint decision by two adults.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:20pm

That was my opinion and what I have observed.


I did say that there are exceptions....."shack up" is term. No offense....








iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:25pm
Growing up I was taught that this was a big no-no. However when I was in university I lived with a guy I had known three years and was engaged to. About halfway through the year he turned out to be

Linda
mom to
Alex (16), Rachel (14), Matthew (12)


Avatar for ang2gals
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 1:38pm

Same here about my parental upbringing & thus my parents' view on unmarrieds living together. However, my brother & SIL lived together for a yr before getting married & my parents wisely didn't say anything realizing that he was old enough to make his own decisions since he was no longer living w/them. Thus, I think they were more nonchalant when DH & I lived together for about 3 months before we married. Let's face it I was over at his place so much I might as well have lived there, LOL.

I don't think DH nor I would be upset if the girls lived w/someone they were engaged to or in a serious committed relationship with. DH lived w/a girl before I knew him so I think he's more laid back as far as not being married & living together.

-- Ang

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 2:45pm

I guess I'll weigh in without reading the other responses. Because my "dh" and I have been together since 1992 without entering a legal contract of marriage.

I, for one, support a separation of church and state in the question of "marriage." I think there are two different entities involved here. One is legal, and that is the one my dh and I do not want to agree to. We don't want to enter into a contract that makes each of us legally responsible for the whims of another adult. I'll be legally responsible for a minor (or two) but I shouldn't have to pay for my husband's bad judgment (if any) and he shouldn't have to pay for mine (if any). The other side of a marriage is a moral/spiritual type commitment. Obviously, dh and I take that part of it very seriously, or else we wouldn't have weathered all the storms of having two children together, building a business together, building/remodeling houses together, etc., etc., etc.

My dd is nearly 12 and we've lived in the same town her whole life. In those years she's seen several of her friends' "intact" families turn into divorce statistics. Not ours. We are a rock solid unit and that is what counts, not the marriage certificate, rings or wedding album.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 3:32pm

LOL-- I think everyone put Nanhart has missed my question!


I am not asking what you think about living together but not being married...


I am asking what your thoughts are on two people living together, having and raising kids but never legally marrying.


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