Was I wrong not to invite her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Was I wrong not to invite her?
12
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 7:32am

OK ladies. Please give it to me straight. Was I wrong not to invite dd's cousin to her halloween party.

Youngest dd (age 9) had halloween party after school yesterday. We live in a small apartment so I said 6 guests max. Because dd usually goes to her dad's on weekends, she doesn't get to invite friends over to play on weekends so this is her one time to have her school friends over to her house. (this is the only party type event she has during the year).

dd invites 6 friends from school (and it was hard for her to decide which 6 because she is such a social kid). Heard back that 1 couldn't come so would be 5 + dd. On Saturday we are at the mall getting supplies when we see dd's cousin. Now the cousin lives next door to dd's dad's house and aunt does some afterschool care for dd 2 days a week so dd and cousin spend a fair amount of time together. I realize, oh no, we didn't invite cousin. But because one guest said no, I thought we would invite cousin (which would stay within limit of 6 guests). (nothing was said to cousin when we saw her at mall as to what we were doing) So we buy supplies for 6 guests + dd. ON Sunday, before we have had a chance to call cousin and invite her, the dad of the guest who said she couldn't come called me to say his kid really wants to come but he had said no because he was working and had no way to get her home but would it be possible that I take her home after party. As they only live 4 minutes down the road I said yes.

So now I am back to 6 guests + dd (and this is all I have supplies for). I had not yet invited cousin and decided not to because #1 -- adding one more kid around my table in my teeny kitchen would have been very difficult #2 -- I didn't have enough supplies and it wasn't something I could stretch (7 pumpkins, 7 treatbags, 7 of each treat going into bag). Stores were closed on Sunday and I worked all day Monday so no time to get extra supplies between work and party. Also, cousin has down syndrome and most time she gets along with other kids very well. But sometimes she can decide that she wants to do things on her own agenda at her own time and there is no changing her mind.

I could tell dd was torn between wanting cousin to come and wanting it to just be her school friends. So we just invited the 6 school friends.

I suppose I could have squeezed one more around table but with paint, glue, glitter, etc. it was really tight and cramped as it was. I probably could have taken one thing from the other treat bags to make up another treat bag but then they all wouldn't be the same (and we know how 9 year olds like to compare to make sure they were all the same) (In each treat bag were 1 pencil, 1 eraser, 1 sucker, 2 hard candies, 1 stamp + stamp pad, 2 stickers).

dd and friends go to elementary school and all came home on the school bus. cousin goes to middle school, comes home on a different bus and is 45 minutes later getting home.

My older dd tells me this morning that she was talking to older cousin on the bus yesterday and Auntie thought it strange that cousin didn't get invited to party.

Was I wrong not to invite her? (All HONEST opinions welcomed). Do I call auntie and explain?

sighhhhh.

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Avatar for bradleyteach
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 8:21am

Are your DD and her cousin best pals?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 8:23am

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 8:24am

Well, you said yourself that it was a school friends party.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 9:43am
I don't think you were in the wrong at all. Maybe it is because we often have to limit numbers of guests and when you *must* invite cousins, etc. you loose all of your real choices. Kwim? I would not call auntie either and would just explain it as a small party for school friends

fence.jpg picture by oct2028

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 10:08am

No, you should not have felt obligated to include her. This is a party for your daughter's school friends.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 10:22am

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Although cousin is 12, because she has Down Syndrome she totally relates to my 9yr dd so would have gotten along with the other guests Cousin and dd do quite a lot together and usually play together on weekends when dd is at her dads. Even though Auntie is from my XH side, she and I have remained friends and often take the kids out together to the beach, park, hikes, etc.(her older dd and my older dd are like sisters).

The only thing cousin does as far as inviting kids over to her house is her birthday party which was last month. There were 24+ people there (kids, adults, cousin's EA's from school, former teacher, lady who works in mall who has befriended her, kids from her new school, kids from her old school). My dds and I were there as well.

My dd's birthday is in July and we didn't have a party with her friends b/c so many were away on vacation, etc. What we did do was go to local RCMP musical ride (big horse display) and invited cousin and cousin's older sister to go as well. So cousin did do a birthday celebration with dd. This halloween party was a friend celebration in liew of birthday party.

Urghhhh .. as I read back over my post I see that I am trying to convince myself that it was ok not to invite cousin but given the girls history she should have been invited. But (stamping feet, being whiny kid) you know, sometimes you just don't want to do what you know you should do. Sometimes you just want to give your kid exactly what they want (like 6 BFF's from school and not cousin) even if that means leaving someone out. Because we only do this once a year, I wanted to give dd what she wanted. (ok, returning to being an adult now). This is one of those experiences where I learn that I really should listen to my gut (was feeling quesy with decision not to invite cousin) as it usually doesn't let me down. Will plan to do something with cousin and older cousin before halloween - maybe have them over to carve pumpkins or something. And will have to explain to Auntie.

man, some days I hate being a parent.

Thanks.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 10:34am

We had sort of the same type of thing happen for Jordyn's birthday.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 12:27pm

Sometimes I feel like I'm from a different planet, my answers are always the contrary ones!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 12:37pm

You seem to believe she should have been invited. You know your family dynamics better than anyone here. But I

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 1:21pm

I don't believe every person needs to be invited to every thing either.

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