To be honest its never really been a big problem for us. The odd time that she does get the attitude (its more tone of voice and the way she says things than what she says), I have waited until she's in bed, everything is calm and quiet and then had a serious but calm discussion about how I will not respond to that tone of voice, that I expect respect from her and I will give it back and usually that does the trick. I know if she is tired and hungry she can get more snippy but if I know that's why I tend to let things slide as I know its the hunger talking and not her being snotty. We all tend to get a bit snippy when in those situations. I am by no means perfect and I don't expect her to be perfect but to at least try. But so far (knock on wood) it been rare, once every 3 months or more that we have to have our little "talks" to straighten things out.
Occassionally we will get a bit of arguing back talk. Nothing nasty, in fact I don't think he realises he's doing it half the time.
I usually stay very calm and in a matter of fact tone say something to the effect of: "I know you didn't mean to talk back to me just now..." or "I know you didn't mean to question my authority..." or I know you didn't mean to disrespect me just now..." These statements are always followed by "would you like to try again?". Usually that is enough to get him to realize that he's crossed a line and he will appologize and rephrase things.
Occasionally he'll shout and get angry and I usually just walk away from him. I tell him that I don't respect or listen to people who yell at me and that when he's ready to actually talk calmly, I'll be in the... kitchen, out on the porch... where ever I may be headed to. That again is usually enough to get him to take the time to calm down. Though it may be an hour before he actually comes and talks to me.
My biggest issue was learning to recognise the difference between a heated discussion and back talk. We love to argue in our house, and as long as it's respectful in both directions that's fine with me. When it comes to actual smart mouth (luckily it's not too bad) I immediately shut down and keep my emotions to myself. I DO get the "attitude" look on my face and I'll come back with things like: "You wanna try that again?", "Oh no, you can do better than that!", "Um, lets try that again.". It's an immediate response that what they said isn't working the WAY it was said, but it still gives importance to WHAT they're trying to convey. I think they've learned that I really DO care about what they're trying to say and unless they're really heated up about something they really DO try to express themselves correctly! But hey...we're all human and they're teens! LOL!
jackie does not talk back too much. She knows when to stop, i guess she always has. She stalls more than she talks back. I know it is coming though. I did to my parents. But Jackie knows all she has to do is allow me to listen and express what she is trying to say. We both go back and forth sometimes but I do not see that as talk back. When it does start, I will just start counting again. That makes her stop and listen so I guess that is what I might start with and see if it works other than that I will wait until she calms down and then say something to her.
This is a HUGE problem in our house. Evan is extremely bright and words are his weapon of choice and favorite defense mechanism with us and peers. I do my best not to get sucked into his emotions and arguments but it's really hard. If it's not too bad, I correct him verbally. If it's bad I send him to his room.
People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That's not just useful knowledge in dealing with teens/tweens, but in all aspects of life.
I do not tolerate rudeness in any way, shape, or form. Not from my kids, not from their friends. Whenever they cross the line into rudeness, they get the 1-2-3. 1st warning: polite; "You're getting out of line with your attitude and your tone of voice." 2nd warning: quite firm; "I've already warned you about your rude tone and you'd better change it now before this goes any further." 3rd warning: "You've crossed the line; I will not allow you to speak to me with that tone of voice." Then they get to cool their heels in their room, if it's my own child, or go home, if it's my child's friend.
Occassionally we will get a bit of arguing back talk. Nothing nasty, in fact I don't think he realises he's doing it half the time.
I usually stay very calm and in a matter of fact tone say something to the effect of: "I know you didn't mean to talk back to me just now..." or "I know you didn't mean to question my authority..." or I know you didn't mean to disrespect me just now..." These statements are always followed by "would you like to try again?". Usually that is enough to get him to realize that he's crossed a line and he will appologize and rephrase things.
Occasionally he'll shout and get angry and I usually just walk away from him. I tell him that I don't respect or listen to people who yell at me and that when he's ready to actually talk calmly, I'll be in the... kitchen, out on the porch... where ever I may be headed to. That again is usually enough to get him to take the time to calm down. Though it may be an hour before he actually comes and talks to me.
Always remember that it "Takes Two to Tango".
stacy
I'm too tired to retype this - so I'm borrowing it from my other post
There had to be a set punishment for backtalk, or smart talk - for us words are words and so we made him write them.
My biggest issue was learning to recognise the difference between a heated discussion and back talk. We love to argue in our house, and as long as it's respectful in both directions that's fine with me. When it comes to actual smart mouth (luckily it's not too bad) I immediately shut down and keep my emotions to myself. I DO get the "attitude" look on my face and I'll come back with things like: "You wanna try that again?", "Oh no, you can do better than that!", "Um, lets try that again.". It's an immediate response that what they said isn't working the WAY it was said, but it still gives importance to WHAT they're trying to convey. I think they've learned that I really DO care about what they're trying to say and unless they're really heated up about something they really DO try to express themselves correctly! But hey...we're all human and they're teens! LOL!
Denise
I'm going to save myself some typing and agree with Denise!
People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That's not just useful knowledge in dealing with teens/tweens, but in all aspects of life.
I do not tolerate rudeness in any way, shape, or form. Not from my kids, not from their friends. Whenever they cross the line into rudeness, they get the 1-2-3. 1st warning: polite; "You're getting out of line with your attitude and your tone of voice." 2nd warning: quite firm; "I've already warned you about your rude tone and you'd better change it now before this goes any further." 3rd warning: "You've crossed the line; I will not allow you to speak to me with that tone of voice." Then they get to cool their heels in their room, if it's my own child, or go home, if it's my child's friend.
I have to say that I don't really seem to get that at this point.
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