At what age does a child need to be....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
At what age does a child need to be....
28
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 9:14pm

At what age does a child need to be held responsible for actions?
My son is 9 and has been having trouble at school for the last few years (long story).. I have thought about this topic and dont really know the right answer. When does it become his responsiblity to make sure he has his homework done? Or brings everything home? Or fails a paper/subject? Or fail

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 9:37pm

Well, here's my opinion, but realize that I am a homeschool mom so I don't really always agree with the weight they put on kids shoulders in school.

9 is very young, IMO, and at that level I expect that the parent and the child work as a team together to get the work done. Clearly in school the teacher is part of this equation and should be helping the child organize his work and clearly outlining his expectations.

As the child moves into Jr. High level (more at the 7th grade than the 6th grade level), age 12ish you will notice a higher level of understanding of abstract events, before that they really just SEE in black and white, the shades of grey are very difficult to understand for them. Until they reach that level of reasoning and ability to see all the shades in between, I don't think it is reasonable to expect full responsibility for their work.

Now, that does NOT mean I don't expect much, in fact, I expect a lot from my kids at all ages. Being a certain age does not mean I give them a free pass to skip out of work, but it does mean that I realize I need to help organize thoughts and work and I need to outline very very clearly what I expect and I realize I need to keep a close eye on what's happening.

Then life becomes even MORE complicated, because you also have to throw in gender, sensory challenges, level of energy, allergies, day/night preferences, etc etc. I have a younger daughter who is MUCH more capable than her brother. Really, she just is, despite being 10 to his 14. She just instinctively organizes her life and her work and gets 'er done, whereas he is always floundering with figuring out what to do next, what he's already done, what someone has JUST told him, where he needs to be next. You just cannot discount individual variations. Sigh. He IS my husband, and I married the guy knowing we'd always be late and we'd always be scrambling to get things done (collective "we", *I* am never late). Some people just cannot gauge time, organize their day, think 2 steps ahead, they just can't.

Bottom line: I don't think you can expect responsablity until Jr. High level, but even with that, some kids just do not have the skills needed and will always need some outside assist to get themselves organized (like, let's say, a WIFE).

How's that for a non answer?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 11:17pm

I am so glad that I am not the only one that thinks this way! I have struggled with this all day and still could find no reason to make my son TOTALLY responsible. I thank you for putting in the fact that there at school the teachers are a part of the equation also. I feel that they are not doing that for him! When

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2003
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 12:52am
Just out of curiousity, I noticed your younger son has multiple allergies. Does your older son as well?

Linda
mom to
Alex (16), Rachel (14), Matthew (12)


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 7:17am

I was told last month that I needed to have his allergies tested but his insurance

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 10:36am

Hi Traci--welcome to the board.


I think you have posed a wonderful question--in fact it was so good it has taken me a couple of days to ponder before responding, LOL!


I think responsibility needs to start early---clearly taking baby steps up until you allow them to be responsible completely for their own actions.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 12:07pm

Hi Traci! Welcome to the board.


I am a mom to three very different children (ages 12, 11 and 10). My youngest needs no reminders or assistance from me whatsoever. I do check his agenda and sign it as that is the rule for his class.


My other 2 on the other hand still need some reminders and help. I am noticing that I remind and assist less but its still needed sometimes.

 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 2:24pm
I believe that we are to have them totally ready for the world when they leave high school.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 3:52pm

My DS is 13 & now in 7th grade. Because of our unusual school system, grades K-4 are in one school and 5-8 are in another much bigger one. I assume your son is around 4th grade? Maybe it was because of the diff. schools, but there was a pretty big change from 4th to 5th grade. In 4th grade, they pretty much were treated like little kids--mostly they had one teacher for all subjects, except art & gym. The parents were sent a lot of notes home by the teacher once a week. There was a lot of communication directly w/ the parents if there was a large assignment, like a report that had several steps. Although my DS is an A student, at that age, he was not able to really organize a large assignment, we would have to break it down into steps and I would be asking him if he completed the reading, when would he make the poster, etc.

Then in 5th & 6th grade, they had more teachers, but even though they changed classes, the teacher would walk w/ them from one room to the next so they wouldn't get lost in the big school. They were given an assignment book by the school to write down their homework, but there were still a lot of notes home from the teachers. This year, he has a diff. teacher for every class and probably less communication, although at the first meeting w/ the teachers, we were given their emails and we can contact them if we need to. The history teacher still sends out weekly emails to the parents w/ the vocab list for the week.

So what I am trying to say, is that you will notice that as the grades progress, the kids are given more responsibility on a gradual basis. I would think that at age 9, he should not be left to be responsible for himself, esp. if it's going to cause him to fail a class--I would wait until high school for that level of responsibility and even then, some kids needs more reminders than others (I have a DD & DSD who are both in college now, so we've gone through the whole school system.)

Just a note for your health ins. problems--there is no health ins. that I know of (and I deal w/ this stuff for work) that will pay 100% of your costs, however, if you get a good policy, maybe you'll only have to pay a co-pay for every doctor's visit of $15-$20, and if you can get it, it's worth it to get one that covers prescription drugs. My DS has asthma & allergies and even w/ that, I have to pay $25 every time he gets an inhaler, but w/o that coverage, it would be over $100 I think. He has to get allergy shots weekly and I don't pay anything for that. But that kind of coverage is expensive too. My DH's employer pays 1/2 I think and we still pay $125 a week for the insurance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 5:13pm

He is in an extremely small school. The school has prek thru 12 in one building.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 8:31pm

I think they need someone to hold their hand right now......my son is going to be 11 years old.


He constantley needs to be reminded of showing me his paper work when he gets home, we help him with his homework whenever he needs it, we check it everyday to make sure its correct and he understands it.


If he dosen't we print out math problems, or try and give him tips on remembering things. We quiz him when he has tests, praise him when he gets good grades, try and do special things for good report cards.


I think they need positive recogonition, even as adults we like positive recognition from our "bosses" or family, so I feel its important to do that for kids.


As far as getting failing grades all year, definately take advantage of tutuoring or counselors to help him get better grades, and focus on hs work.


Ask the tacher what she thinks is the problem........find a teacher that your son likes and ask for him to be in that class next year.


Ask your son what he thinks would help him, maybe you'll find something out you didn't expect.


Non stop kids.......lol! What a job! Good luck!


 

Kristy

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